[Regina Flume]

I have recently noticed my boyfriend of almost 8 years not being "himself." When I look over his shoulder to glance at his phone, he turns away. He puts his phone on airplane mode and whenever he uses the bathroom, he always takes his phone. I confronted him and looked through his texts, emails and calls and saw he had written to an old female co-worker that he has two other girlfriends who also have boyfriends. He told me he was doing this to spite the coworker and tell her husband once he got enough information because in the past she has cheated. I have seen and heard this first hand during company parties but it is still hard for me to believe. They are still in contact due to him working on the website.

Also, he has not been talking about work lately and one instance, I recall him talking about a group of girls whom he works with at this new job who laugh and giggle every time the boss announces an achievement. I grew suspicious due to the fact he hasn't told me anything and noticed that one of the girls he hardly talks about is pretty. I confronted him about it and he told me that, "If he should look away with every cute girl he sees?"

I have buckled and cried to him regarding this. He says he will stop contact with the one girl once he finishes the website which is in a month. I don't know if I am just paranoid, getting jealous all of a sudden or in denile. I've never been the snoopy girlfriend til we moved in together and his mannerisms changed, which was about 4 months ago (which is also when he started the new job). Lastly, he's been deleting his texts from that one girl and only her. And when we went to lunch one time he asked if it would be okay to see old friends that are girls whom he never had a relationship before with.

I know I just laid a whole lot out there but just wasn't sure if these are signs that he is actually cheating or I am just paranoid or he is just "settling." Since confrontation, he has stopped these prior actions and has opened up more but I just feel lied to to even look at the overall quality of the relationship. HELP!

[Travelinglady]

Hi, Regina Flume, and welcome to Psych Central! I would be a bit suspicious myself. His not opening up and hiding things would make me worry, too.

[SnakeCharmer]

He told me he was doing this to spite the coworker and tell her husband once he got enough information because in the past she has cheated.

The above excuse, in and of itself, speaks so badly of his character that my every instinct is to tell you to run away from this very bad man as fast as you can.

If it's true, he's an awful person who could very well do vengeful things to you if you displease him in some way. You would never be able to trust him to act with any degree of human decency.

If it's just an excuse, then you're not being paranoid and he's the one who's acting in a very suspicious and strange manner. He's acting like a cheater. How could you trust him?

But then you say this:

I grew suspicious due to the fact he hasn't told me anything and noticed that one of the girls he hardly talks about is pretty. I confronted him about it and he told me that, "If he should look away with every cute girl he sees?"

That does make you sound overly jealous. So maybe it's not quite as simple as whether or not you're paranoid. It's very possible that he's acting very badly and that you're also too jealous and suspicious for your own good. Is that possible?

If this is a serious relationship, one that you hope might lead to a future together, the two of you might consider some form of couples counseling before you make any decisions about making a life together with combined finances, children and all of that. The relationship sounds very dramatic and traumatic at the moment. If he won't go to couples counseling, you might consider seeing a therapist on your own to help you figure how to negotiate life's more difficult problems. I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time.