[mattbear]

This is my first time posting on a forum like this and it is a last ditch attempt to sort out the way I act. I' am 19 years old and I have only been in 2 relationships my entire life.

In my previous relationship I was incredibly insecure, and added to multiple things it eventually led to the relationships downfall. I was not exactly treated right by the girl, she'd lie and talk to other guys without me knowing, and I think this is what caused my insecurity to flare up. A while later I went into a relationship with a much nicer girl, she is loyal, kind, and loves me, which I should be certain of because deep down I know its true.. except there's a part of me that keeps nagging at me, telling me it isn't.

She has never done anything to betray my trust, she has never done anything to hurt me and I'am incredibly lucky to have her, but sometimes I get my mind wrapped around the smallest things and its almost as if I make them into a much larger deal than they should be. For example, I keep telling myself that if I don't interest her constantly, she will be interested elsewhere and leave me, just like that. I convince myself I have to be perfect to make sure she'll be with me, I compare myself to everyone, thinking of how I can improve.

There is times I see sense and realize, if I wasn't what she wanted she wouldn't be with me, but for some reason I always become insecure again at some point. It usually builds up inside of me, I talk to her about it and it ends in an argument. Its like a blowout for all my insecurity and afterwards I'am okay for a while. I can tell it hurts her a lot, she says she has done nothing to make me think like this, and it hurts me in turn because I know its true and I know i'm insecure... yet I cannot stop my insecurity creeping back.
As I said its my first time posting here, I'm upset by my actions and my state of mind, I don't want to drive her away because I love her an incredible amount. If any of you have any tips or personal experience I would be grateful.

Thanks

[glok]

s a last ditch attempt to sort out the way I act.

Welcome to the Community, mattbear. You are adding to the stress you feel by believing you must fix this now or not at all.

You may benefit from professional help to sort this out. Another option:

Ask the Therapist

I wish you well.

[hvert]

I'm sorry, I don't have a lot of good tips for this. I would try even harder to avoid sharing these insecurities with your girlfriend. You know that they are not rational and not really about her.

The only caveat is when you are worried that if you do X, she will think Y. Like if you decide not to go to the game and instead sit around the house with her doing nothing because you think she wants quality time... but if you ask her about it, it might turn out that she wouldn't be bothered at all if you went out.

Do you have a close friend you could talk about this stuff with, as an outlet? It can also be helpful (I find) to find out how other people think about certain situations-- like what do your friends think is 'enough' interest as opposed to 'constant' interest.

Some CBT techniques may be useful as well.

[healingme4me]

Being on the receiving end of a jealous rage, is no fun.

The fact you are reaching out, for help, is an action that is commendable.

Anger management is another treatment strategy, when willfully enrolled can be beneficial. My understanding of it, is, it's covered by insurance.

There's the fear that creeps in, when feeling vulnerable, like everything is going good, but too good, playing into fight or flight.

Something to address, as it will only become a repeated behavior pattern, in relationships. Could lead to ulcers, down the road. And, gosh knows what else...

[CaptainChaos79]

I am 35 years old and female and have been the receiver of male insecurity in more relationships than I care to remember. I disagree with the idea that you try harder to supress your need to discuss your insecurities. I think that instead u should talk about things when you have questions rather than stew about them that way you know right then and your mind doesn't make up it's own scenarios in the meantime while your insecurity builds up, eventually creating the aforementioned argument. Trust me, as a woman these argments will get old and at some point become too petty in nature and she will stop them by leaving...maybe in a month...maybe a year or more but eventually. ..by talking them out when the issue arises you will become more confident in hour relationship and communication skills as well so its win-win.

[waiting4]

I agree that talking to someone ELSE might be helpful when you realize you're gonna blow up. Trying not to let it get to that point is the optimum solution...talking to her when you start to feel tense might be helpful....but mostly, don't second guess what you should be doing based on her. Communication is all important here, not only to reasure you but to reasure her, you're not going to relentlessly distrust her for something she'd never done.

Take care...

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by mattbear

This is my first time posting on a forum like this and it is a last ditch attempt to sort out the way I act. I' am 19 years old and I have only been in 2 relationships my entire life.

In my previous relationship I was incredibly insecure, and added to multiple things it eventually led to the relationships downfall. I was not exactly treated right by the girl, she'd lie and talk to other guys without me knowing, and I think this is what caused my insecurity to flare up. A while later I went into a relationship with a much nicer girl, she is loyal, kind, and loves me, which I should be certain of because deep down I know its true.. except there's a part of me that keeps nagging at me, telling me it isn't.

She has never done anything to betray my trust, she has never done anything to hurt me and I'am incredibly lucky to have her, but sometimes I get my mind wrapped around the smallest things and its almost as if I make them into a much larger deal than they should be. For example, I keep telling myself that if I don't interest her constantly, she will be interested elsewhere and leave me, just like that. I convince myself I have to be perfect to make sure she'll be with me, I compare myself to everyone, thinking of how I can improve.

There is times I see sense and realize, if I wasn't what she wanted she wouldn't be with me, but for some reason I always become insecure again at some point. It usually builds up inside of me, I talk to her about it and it ends in an argument. Its like a blowout for all my insecurity and afterwards I'am okay for a while. I can tell it hurts her a lot, she says she has done nothing to make me think like this, and it hurts me in turn because I know its true and I know i'm insecure... yet I cannot stop my insecurity creeping back.
As I said its my first time posting here, I'm upset by my actions and my state of mind, I don't want to drive her away because I love her an incredible amount. If any of you have any tips or personal experience I would be grateful.

Thanks

OMG!! I'm going through that exact same thing with my boyfriend! I can neither prove nor disprove my suspicions, even though I can't find any real reasons to have them! And yet, there are times when I am whole heartedly convinced that I'm RIGHT not to trust/believe in him. I don't understand why! I find myself wanting to check his phone, Facebook and such, just to prove to myself once & for all that's it's all in my head & not true, but at the same time I'm always expecting to catch him in a lie. I don't know what's wrong with me! I think part of my problem (aside from being lied to & hurt in the past ) is that I've gone against my "gut instinct" before and lived to regret not listening to it. And that has me wondering if this is one of
those situations. But I have also been 100% sure of something & been wrong too. So now I don't know what to believe! I know this isn't helpful to you, but I do know how you feel! Hopefully we'll both find an answer!

[Confusedinomicon]

I think attempting to repress insecurity often has the side effect of making insecurity worse! I think this is something that talk therapy could help because the way you perceive the world has a lasting effect on more then your partner. I also think talk-therapy is helpful in general because you may not be learning the skills necessary through talking w/your girlfriend to help you ease your insecurity.

Remember that she is not your therapist and she will not always be in the frame of mind where she can help you help yourself.

Originally Posted by mattbear

In my previous relationship I was incredibly insecure, and added to multiple things it eventually led to the relationships downfall.

Looks like that will be the same here , because of you " Clinging " to her , making her your passion = Needy and the False self.

Find your " Passion " in life like surfing , martial arts etc This will make yourself attractive to her, as she does not want to be your passion.

1. Passion
2. Relationship

[RobG]

Er, you should be able to talk to your gf about your insecurities without it ending in an argument? How does that even happen?
You should be able to open up to her and tell her whatever is ailing you, and she should comfort you and reassure you and then the insecurity should go away.

Thats what should happen. At what point does this not happen?

[CaptainChaos79]

Originally Posted by RobG

Er, you should be able to talk to your gf about your insecurities without it ending in an argument? How does that even happen?
You should be able to open up to her and tell her whatever is ailing you, and she should comfort you and reassure you and then the insecurity should go away.

Thats what should happen. At what point does this not happen?

It happens because people bottle things up until they are out of control and then they come out sideways and altogether wrong...stop the bottling and talk about it when the issue is happening...don't stew on it for days or weeks at a time...and I think the arguments will cease almost entirely regarding the insecurity issue...just be sure to discuss this new approach with your girl prior to putting into practice so she knows what to expect and isn't armed for argument...