[LimbicPastry]

I am in an awkward situation. My partner of 5 years made a friend at work and wanted us to meet because I am pretty much an introvert with little to no friends and my partner was certain her co-worker/friend and I would make good friends.

After the three of us all went out for some drinks a handful of times we all were becoming very good friends and having a great time. The co-worker and I even began to talk through facebook messaging a couple times pretty in depth and it seemed like we were pretty cool with each other. Always goofing around and having a laugh. It was nice I figured this was what a friend is supposed to be like.

Since I am very new at this whole making friends thing and I am not super good at it, either, I thought I was noticing some weird behaviors from the co-worker. It seemed to me like she was pretty needy of my attention one night in particular and was rather flirtatious with me as well.

While all three of us were out at a bar, we had run into a couple that my partner and I hang out with and they had even pointed out to me the oddly flirtatious behavior that was taking place.

The next day I decided to ask the co-worker if she was catching feelings for me and I also wanted to make it clear to her that I was only interested in being friends and that I liked it the way it was just friends.

Now things are very awkward and the co-worker has gone from talking to me daily as a friend to zero communication and when I try to talk to my partner about it she gets frustrated and mad at me.

Was I in the wrong here? Why would this co-worker stop talking to me just because I laid out where I stand in terms of feelings? I do not understand how to have friends at all and this is really confusing and awkward for me.

I really appreciate your help.

[waiting4]

I don't know how much help I can be, but not knowing what the 'flirtatious' behaviour is, I am a little concerned that when you talked to your partner, she got mad at YOU.

I think I would try to talk to my partner again, this time, starting with asking for advise as you aren't sure what you were told by the third party was true etc. At this point, you need more information to make a better determination of what actually happened and if you should be feeling awkward at all. Once you know that, it will hopfully be easier to know how to proceed (or not) with this co-worker.

Take care *hugs*

[Harmacy]

It could be that the co worker did have some romantic designs on you and was angling for an affair and is now embarrassed that you've called her out on it. Or it might be that she was offended at the idea and has now backed off completely out of fear of being misconstrued any further.

It's impossible to tell exactly what the co worker was thinking and what her intentions were and she may never tell you truthfully but I don't think you've done anything wrong at all based on what you've written. I'd have thought most partners would take your actions as a sign of a healthy strong relationship built on trust and honesty. If it's discussed again I'd perhaps use the feedback you got from the other couple as a reason why you felt the need to say something. Perhaps your partner can talk to them and get their angle on things?

It's tough when new friendships don't work out but try not to feel like you're to blame. You merely reacted to circumstances and did your best to keep the friendship going while protecting your relationship.

[ChipperMonkey]

Your partner is female, and I am gathering that you are female, as well as the co-worker. Sorry, if I am wrong, but the sexes of all parties involved is somewhat ambiguous.

Are you sure that the co-worker is out? Are you sure that the co-worker is gay? (This is where knowing the sexes and orientations of everyone involved would help, because yes, in this case, it could make a difference in the advice given.)

[LimbicPastry]

Yes we are all females. And to my knowledge the co worker is straight which is why I am so confused. I don't get why she was flirting with me she even pop kissed my cheek that night.

[scorpiosis37]

What did she do that you perceived as flirting? It would help to know what she actually did. Is it possible that you thought she was flirting when she was only trying to be friendly? Often, a kiss on the cheek is a friendly gesture, not a romantic one. Did she do anything overtly romantic/flirtatious? Of course, it is also possible that she is in the closet or confused about her sexuality, and you brought that out in her. But, if she is straight, maybe there was a misinterpretation?

[Fuzzybear]

I am completely socially naive so am unable to help

Try not to blame yourself

I send you

[hvert]

I agree with Harmancy -- once you brought up the subject of romantic feelings directly, the coworker was probably either embarrassed or irritated, depending on whether or not you were reading her signals right. There's not really any good way to bring that up directly without having the same thing happen.

As a straight woman, she may have felt comfortable flirting with you because she knew nothing would happen/thought that you wouldn't take it seriously.

[MacabreMagpie]

Perhaps this friend of your coworker is frustrated that her attempts at being friendly were taken as flirtation, which I'm sure is a problem that most women with male friends will face at some point in their lives. That might explain why she's cut off communication, if she's annoyed at this kind of thing happening all the while (which it probably does if she's a naturally flirtatious person, assuming she wasn't actually interested in you).

It does sound like you had just cause to enquire, though, if other people were picking up on her flirting with you, but it makes me wonder why your partner was so eager to have you meet her in the first place. At least, in your defence, you sought to find out if she had feelings for you by stating your un availability so, in terms of your relationship, you did nothing wrong.

I guess in the future, if you suspect someone is flirting with you but you're not sure then the best thing to do would be to wait for them to actually make a move for you to decline rather than trying to make a preemptive move. Best of luck with your partner.

[MissBelle00]

I'm not sure what exactly to say in this situation, but I want to share an experience I've had:

I came to the US from Brazil, and it was a huge culture shock. One of the worst things that happened was that I made a lot of enemies because everybody assumed I was overly flirty.
I wasn't, it was just my culture that was different, and I had different behaviors that were seen as perfectly normal in my country. This one girl flipped a ***** once because I said hi to her boyfriend and gave him a hug.
It irritated me to no end - how could these people be so thick??, I thought.

If it had been the me of back then, I would've also been very irritated if someone felt they needed to "turn me down" because they assumed I was flirting with them when I was just being friendly. I would've thought to myself, "Could they be any more full of themselves?! You're not that special!!"

I learned it's best to be cautious with trying to read people's signals instead of jumping the gun and assuming something that might be wrong.

I don't know if this girl is of a different nationality than you, but if she is, I would greatly consider a difference in culture as being the "culprit".

I also agree with MacabreMagpie. It's best to wait for an actual move rather than trying to make a preemptive move.