[ETC2014]

My boyfriend and I had a baby about 10 months ago. Everything is really good between us, we love each other very much, but there's one problem..he hardly wants sex!

At first I thought it was because of the stress of a new baby but it has escalated now to where i have stopped initiating sex altogether as Im sick of being rejected. I have lost all the baby weight and am in the best shape of my life. I don't know what it is.

When baby was about 3 months old my laptop broke and my boyfriend suggested I use his computer. One day I had to find a link that I had visited the previous day and went into the history.BIG MISTAKE! I am completely anti-snooping and always have been. His history was full of porn. What shocked me the most was he was watching it at work nearly every day (he drives around for work so I assume in his car..oh and his computer is linked to his phone and tablet for work reasons). It really upset me.

I talked to him about it and he said he wasnt feeling like himself sexualy so was using porn to get into it again, which im pretty sure is ********. Surely if hes watching porn hes horny. It just seems he wasnt interested in me.

Since then our sex life is getting kind of better. Maybe once a fortnight, but I want more but hes always to tired. Most of time hes wants a bj and doesnt seem interested in getting me off. The problem is that in the back of my mind I know hes probably watching porn everyday. Im usually a very confident person but this has got me feeling the most insecure I have ever felt.

My question is...
Should I stay or go? He has told me porn isnt a problem (addiction) for him, but surely if hes watching it at work it is?
How do I get him to be honest with me?
Is it wrong of me to want to end things because of this?..especially because of our baby.

Please help!!

[BobbyDavis]

It depends. If you were my Wife I would have been kicked to the curb a long time ago because she despises porn which was never a problem for me because I never particularly liked porn and just the thought of watching two other people I don't even know having sex makes me want to vomit but only you can make this decision.

[hvert]

I am with you that watching porn at work (in the car?) seems bizarre -- but from my experience working in corporate IT, it's way more common than you'd think.

I would keep his porn habit completely separate from the main problem that he isn't demonstrating enough interest in you sexually. I think it's a problem that affects a lot/most long term relationships. I don't know how to fix it. Will he talk with you about it? Is he worried about having another child?

[Travelinglady]

Hello, ETC2014, and welcome to Psych Central! Yes, I would try having an honest talk with him and maybe even say you are thinking about leaving?

[MissBelle00]

"I talked to him about it and he said he wasnt feeling like himself sexualy so was using porn to get into it again"

Funny, that's the exact same thing my boyfriend told me when I caught him watching porn.
I also think it's BS.

My boyfriend is now going to therapy for his porn addiction. He's only been once, and I don't know how it's going to turn out. I definitely feel your pain, though, this is horrible to deal with, and definitely a blow to the ego.

If he can't even admit to having a problem, though, I'm not sure you can do much to help him.
Try sitting down and having an honest talk, that's what I did with mines, and I told him exactly how it made me feel. And that there's no way I want to stay in a sexless relationship. I wasn't harsh about it - unfortunately sometimes you just gotta be honest. If it gets to that point, what are you going to do? Be miserable for the rest of your life?

So you guys either find a way to work this out, or it simply won't last. It's the reality of relationships.

[SnakeCharmer]

There's been research done in Italy that shows watching excessive amounts of porn can trigger what the researchers called "sexual anorexia." In other words, loss of the desire to have normal sexual relations. It can even become much more difficult for people to reach climax during masturbation.

The porn addict needs more and more stimulation to feel aroused and they begin to believe the way people behave in pornography represents or should represent daily reality. Anything less than the increasing stimulation that one can get by watching more and more explicit porn is no longer arousing.

This has nothing to do with you being undesirable or not good in the bedroom. Your partner's behavior is an increasingly common symptom of porn addiction in young men. There's even quite a black market in Viagra and Cialis sales to healthy young men in their 20s to early 40s because after watching hours and hours of porn daily, they can no longer get it up with a real woman or real man.

This is not just a problem between men and women. It can impact any relationship. There's research that shows heavy porn use changes the reactions in the arousal and pleasure parts of the brain.

All this research is fairly recent, it needs to be replicated by other researches and it needs (in my opinion) to stay out of the hands of moralists and the kinds of groups who have a stake in proving that all things other than marital intercourse are evil and wrong. Porn exists, it'll always exist, whether it's outlawed or legal. The reasons why some people get hooked on it are unknown, but the problem is in the addict and only he can do something about it.

The internet has made porn available and free-to-cheap in cost and easy to access in ways that were never possible in the past. So this problem is becoming more and more common in people of all ages and backgrounds.

If your partner is watching porn practically all day at work, which could risk his employment depending on his employer's policies, if he is still uninterested in sex despite the fact that you're in the best shape of your life and if his idea of romance is having you service him with oral sex, well ... it sure does sound like he has the symptoms of the researchers discovered in young men who viewed a lot of on-line porn.

In the Good Old Days (said sarcastically) the woman was always blamed for her partner's addiction, be it alcohol, drugs, gambling, whatever. If she was just a better woman and better partner etc etc, the man wouldn't turn to substances or compulsions for comfort. That's just plain untrue, wrong and hurtful.

Maybe he turned to porn for comfort when you were far advanced in your pregnancy and just after you delivered because most women don't feel totally sexy at that time. Fathers have to show some patience and consideration during that time. That's just the way it is for most couples.

Maybe he had no ill intentions at all , just wanted a little stimulation and entertainment, but he got hooked. It can happen to the best of people.

I can't tell you whether it's a good idea to stay or go, but I can tell you it would be wise to learn everything you can about addiction. It would also be wise to look into resources in your community for partners of addicts. Some groups may not be an exact fit, but could help nonetheless because every addict lies, blames, denies, promises, breaks promise, causes bogus fights and almost all addicts end up feeling almost unbearable guilt and shame and anger.

Self-help groups like Alanon and Codependents Anonymous can give hints on how to deal with another person's addictions and compulsions without driving yourself into a breakdown in the process. I'm so sorry you're going through this and please remember that it's not your fault. Self-help groups or therapy aimed at partners of addicts can help your not fall into the trap of enabling and unhelpful anger and blame. Take care of yourself and your baby. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this.

[ETC2014]

Originally Posted by hvert

I am with you that watching porn at work (in the car?) seems bizarre -- but from my experience working in corporate IT, it's way more common than you'd think.

I would keep his porn habit completely separate from the main problem that he isn't demonstrating enough interest in you sexually. I think it's a problem that affects a lot/most long term relationships. I don't know how to fix it. Will he talk with you about it? Is he worried about having another child?

Thanks for your reply!
Yes he has talked to me about it but says it isnt a probem for him and when i ask him about using it everyday at work, he blows it off and says "i dont watch it that much". Im afraid to talk again because he'll just say the same thing.
Im on birth control and in no way looking to have another baby and we have discussed this.

[ETC2014]

MissBelle00

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Did he take a while to admit he had a problem? Im wondering whether I should bring it up again.
Thanks for your reply!

[ETC2014]

Snake Charmer:

Thank you so much for your reply!! Was a lot of help!

[MissBelle00]

Originally Posted by ETC2014

MissBelle00

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Did he take a while to admit he had a problem? Im wondering whether I should bring it up again.
Thanks for your reply!

He actually never denied it.

When we were just starting dating, he confided in me that he used to have sex with his previous girlfriend and immediately after he'd feel the need to watch porn. Later on in the relationship, when I brought that up, he said he doesn't remember ever telling me that. I don't know what's up with that, but now I know it was a huge red flag - because he ended up doing the same thing with me.

The first time I caught him he promised me he would never do it again. He promised to stop cold turkey.

But then we stopped having sex altogether, and I caught him again, and he told me himself he thinks he has a problem, and that the only reason he hadn't been to a therapist was because of money.

So I found him a cheap therapist and he hasn't had any problem with it. He's had two sessions so far and he says he's liking it.
But then again it's only been two sessions, so it might be too early to tell.

Unfortunately we have plenty of other problems aside from the porn thing.

The one thing I'm happy about is that he doesn't deny he has a problem, and he let me help him find help, and he hasn't shown aversion to any of it.

I'd be seriously worried if he denied he had a problem and refused to seek help - that would tell me I'm stuck in a relationship I will never be happy in or have my needs met.

I am also sorry that you're dealing with this!
My ex watched porn compulsively. It made me feel disgusting, and I felt much better leaving the relationship.

I hope everything works out well for you - whether that includes your boyfriend or not.

Hugs.

[Silent Void]

I'd dump him. He has a problem. He's not functioning in the real world.

[Hobbit House]

Originally Posted by Silent Void

I'd dump him. He has a problem. He's not functioning in the real world.

I agree run Forest run...