i wonder

visualize this:

after living all your teenage/mid 20's years without the chance of being found sexually interesting for whatever reason, you can finally settle down.

would you really get engaged? (assuming you meant to)

i think i'd not. people cut you out of the dating/ sex scene because you were not enough, but later, with a change of principles, the risk of aging alone, and the new necessities dictated by the adult age, al of a sudden you are a good partner.

that's hypocrisy, i would only accept a person who lived the same problem or had a few partners because she tried to lay the foundation of her future life and jsut had bad luck.

but it's so hard to understand such things in a person that i would trust noone. for the most part.

If I knew someone was 'settling' for me, then No, I would not want to be with them.

But if they found a new interest in dating me because they realized perhaps my traits or personality were now more important to have in a partner rather than what they originally found attractive ... I'd date them.

We're all assholes when we're young.

considering how important a partner is in everyone's life, i find unable to accept to be such a "blessing" for a person that had /would have "cursed" those years of mine.

i don't overly romanticize the idea of a partner, i'm just saying that a partner is usually an awesome person to you since you would think to spend your life with him/her. this is why i said "blessing" take it as an euphemism.

also why should i accept that ex-asshole? people like that potentially caused my fixation/ self -esteem/awkwardness. being "the better person" (and start a relation) in these situations means just that they had their cake (fun, relaxed, joyful teen years) and ate it too (find the partner they meant to find), where you didn't because of them.

ok life is unfair and all, but you can't be lashed and then hug the hangman just because he said he was sorry and he was an asshole back then. i can't accept it.

this also means that i could just resolve to stay alone, since we are all important but not necessary as human beings. noone would suffer if someone they never met disappeared.

so, i'm just digging my own grave with this thinking but it's the only honest thinking, the others are just adorned truths to avoid this thinking and try to get from life what others have for free, just because they were born with the right charateristics to be worshipped in this society.

People can and do change, sometimes for the better, sometimes not. Life is a learning process and some of us as we age find that what we once thought was important is not so much, and vice versa. If someone from my past who had treated me badly wanted to be my friend now, I'd have to see if they had really changed first. And you can only do that by spending time with them. I'd give them a chance tho. Also, you see young people and not so young people jumping in and out of sexual relationships. It's one thing to be sexual with someone you love and quite another to have sex with whoever comes along. I think you'll find the right person one day and you will have a good relationship. There is no shame in not boinking everyone who might be willing.

in a class of 31 young people 20 were the "assholes", 10 either could not afford it or genuinely were not itnerested in being "assholes" and of course the last one was me.

i applied the same frequency to the rest of the world, is it not like that?

I have worked with people who at first I thought were aholes, only as I got to know them better they weren't as bad as I thought they were. Even came to love them as friends. If you want to have friends you need to give them a chance.

no problem with friends, for lovers i have a lot more trouble acceping how hard it has been for me. it feels like i have wasted time.

EDIT: also i'm calming down, i had a peak of stress before since i'm about to travel to NY and am very scared.

I can't say that I would reject someone for having a funfilled youth, no I can't...

Firstly, if said person was not someone who personally treated me badly in the past, then how can I logically blame them for what I experienced. Also blaming what I percieve to be their "type" would be sterotypical, generalizing and judgmental. I'm neither of those things.

Secondly; for arguments sake, say that due to their fun filled youth, I were to box them into a general type of group who's rejection made my younger years hell. How exactly do I know that just because they had fun they would've purposely chosen to not have that fun with me? (Had they known me then)

What if I turn this someone down based on this perception, and it turns out to be untrue? What if they would've had that very same fun with me had I known them, but I turn them down.

Do I still win then?
(Not sure what the achievement is in this practice, but the question remains valid)...

NB. I use "fun" to encompass romantic and social activities in this instance.

Also, does me rejecting them based on something like this not mean I have now stooped to their percieved level? :headtscratch:

So no, personally I couldn't hold a prospective bf responsible for past hurts and reject him just because he didn't experience them too.

And I agree, young people are usually assholes, but what I mean when I say that is this:

They're just looking for a good time, not someone to settle and make babies with, and their choices are largely made based on superficial things that will enhance the amount of fun they hope to have. Be that money, looks, social status etc...

As we grow older and hopefully wiser, we realize what's important in life. We learn that the dude with the nice car who treats us like shyt isn't worthy to lick the boots of the guy who doesn't have much but respects us as an equal.

We learn that you can't have a relationship with a brick no matter how fancy his packaging is. We learn that that dude with the modest or "unattractive" packaging who can have lengthy conversations with us about anything, who challenges us intellectually, who can make us laugh with him, not at him, is much more fun to be around in the long run.

Btw, I put the word unattractive in quotation marks as its such a flawed adjective because people are individuals and are attracted to different everything. I don't think anyone can actually decide someone or something is unattractive, because the entire world population would need to take a vote to back it up.

Anyway, I was off on a bit of a tangent...

We live and learn, and many start out pretty darn stupid. I think it would be a shame to right someone off based on past stupids when they probably honestly just didn't know any better when they were younger.

A group of 30 people doesn't represent society at large.

Not being accepted into one clique needn't be a precursor for not even bothering to get to know people.

You don't have to hang out with the same jerks for the rest of your life. A lot of people who didn't date in their early years have romantic success later on when they escape high school/move out of their crummy town/etc. It's one thing not to date from the limited pool of people who were rude to you in their 20s, but just because someone didn't have the same lack of romantic partners doesn't mean they are a jerk.

I think I could have written your original post myself!

I didn't have anyone interested in my AT ALL in my 20's. Now I'm to the point where there are a number of guys who are interested, but I feel like a sell out to be dating. I wasn't good enough then, but I am now? Yes, my looks have changed, but I oftentimes think what if I get pregnant and gain a ton of weight, am I setting myself up to be dumped? Do I have to look great 24/7 or risk being rejected? Such crap.

I have no plans of settling down anytime soon. I have a number of major life changes planned in the next 4 years and I don't care if I am single the whole time. It just leaves me free to go and do as I please without restraint.