[MikeNessMonster]

Hi all,

I really am in major need of some constructive support (as well as a good rant to get these feelings off my chest). This may be a bit long winded but I genuinely am grateful for any support and suggestions you all might have.

A year and a half ago I met my current boyfriend - he is significantly older than I, but I was attracted to his maturity and good sense of self. We immediately hit it off as we had bonded over our common interests, sense of humor, values, and likeness in personality. We became very close very quickly, and we fell into sync with each other. He was upbeat, funny, extremely loving, confident, and passionate. He was everything I needed and wanted in a relationship, and we fell in love very quickly. I was spending the night at his place almost every night of the week, and within a few months we started talking about having me move into his apartment once my lease was up... we had decided we were meant to be together, and wanted to be married.

Within the first month of our relationship, I began to notice strange patterns where his mood would suddenly change (a sort of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde) - certain incidents would trigger him to become mean, irrational, and seem to not even recognize me - he would say things to me as if I was a culmination of all his past hurts, and not his lover. These incidents would happen (seemingly) at random times, but usually at night after he had had a few drinks. Usually, the next morning he would not even remember the incident.

I was determined to look past this strange anxiety attack incidents, and be supportive of him since I have also suffered from depression and anxiety in the past. I was able to look past these strange blow ups, because when he was in his true self, he was the most adorable, fun loving, sweet person. I've never felt so connected to another human being, and he has said the same. I wanted to be the one that understood his strange behavior, and stick with him through it because I felt that he truly deserved it.

Months went by, and his anxiety incidents would happen every so often - I usually noticed them more when he was under stress and worried about money. They stopped happening at night and started happening during the day - he would become triggered by a small occurrence and then have a full blown tantrum type episode. He would accuse me of things that were untrue, call me names, yell, and say generally awful things. If I was able to remain calm, he would eventually diffuse and become incredibly sad and cry and tell me how awful he felt, and that he did not mean anything he said - just that his anxiety was so overwhelming he would just blow and not know what he was saying.

So our relationship carried on this way - sometimes with long periods in between the episodes. Through working with a counselor, I had grown to understand why these episodes happen (he was verbally abused by his stepfather as a child) and learned to diffuse them. I believe they are a form of anxiety attack, and even though many may tell me I'm foolish to stay with someone who would say mean things to me - you need to understand that I accepted these anxiety attacks and wanted to support my partner through them. I did however, always make it clear that name calling was not appropriate, and would calmly leave if he began to do so.

So came the time to move in with my partner. Our relationship had been building, and we were getting stronger. We were as close as ever, despite the anxiety and strange episodes. Then something changed, about a month after I moved in (I was basically living there months before that - we just moved my things over). It seemed as though both of our lives began falling apart simultaneously. We both fell into money troubles, and I watched him slowly sink into a dark place. He began smoking more cigarettes, drinking nightly, and gaining weight (he was previously pretty fit). I had also been feeling sick, exhausted, and stressed myself.

Over the past month or so, my boyfriend has become completely withdrawn. All of the passion and excitement we had maintained for over a year suddenly seemed to fade. We used to be so passionate, we used to joke and laugh and laugh. We were very physical, and by that I mean not only sexually, but we would touch each other and play, and we would feel special.

Now he seems to avoid eye contact much of the time, especially when I'm talking to him. When we snuggle, he pushes a blanket in between us and sometimes barely touches my skin. If I try to face him and snuggle (we used to lay face to face and just talk) or even snuggle on his chest he tells me to roll over and "watch the movie". When he wants sex, he just waits for me to come onto him, and does very little to initiate sex or to get me "in the mood". When I try to play with him, he sometimes seems annoyed as though I am bothering him, so I usually roll over and leave him alone (somehow that annoys him too). When he touches me it doesn't feel the same, it is lacking that special feeling you get when you're really crazy about someone.

This withdrawal comes in waves, and sometimes he is less withdrawn and will "come out" of it and I will see him again - the person that I fell in love with. Sometimes he will tell me he feels self conscious now because of the weight he gained, or that he has been feeling super anxious lately. We will have good weeks and bad weeks, but somehow something feels as though it has changed. I try to give him his space and not push when he is withdrawn, but I am still building up this awful feeling of "Do you just not like me anymore?" The last time he had an anxiety attack and said awful things, he didn't apologize like before... he was just defeated, and told me to "leave him if I felt he was dragging me down".

I am trying to stay upbeat and cheerful to try to counter this awful cycle. I have been working on myself a lot, and trying to see if it will rub off on him a bit and get him motivated to make the big changes in his life he needs. I try not to act weird, even though I am secretly scared to death that our relationship is slowly fading. I try to play as we used to, be affectionate and loving - but its difficult to pretend that it doesn't hurt my feelings when he does not respond to my affection like he used to. I can't shake this awful feeling of sadness. I've been so down the last couple weeks just thinking about it. I am so hyper sensitive to how he is acting that when he does ignore me or act uninterested I feel as though the world is ending.

I know he is suffering from some sort of awful anxiety, but he doesn't talk to me to tell me what it is. I am doing everything I know how to do to support him and make him feel safe, but inside I am so sad. I wake up some mornings and think about the night before and just cry. I am terrified to talk to him about it, because he may blow up or be so anxious he can't/won't even talk about it.

I know we both love each other very much, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to support my boyfriend, even if I have to talk to him and run the risk of having a huge fight. I just have no idea where to start ... I literally feel like the man I fell in love with his being suffocated under his anxiety, and I miss him so much. I don't want to break up because I will regret it for the rest of my life.

Why is he acting like this, and how can I support him/help him overcome whatever is happening to him?

Thanks to all who read this entire thing,

Mikenessmonster <3

[Travelinglady]

Hi, MikeNessMonster, and welcome to Psych Central! Honestly, your boyfriend's problems sound like much more than anxiety attacks to me. I am not sure that you can really help him. I think he needs an official diagnosis and treatment by a professional. Do you think he would be willing to do that?

I agree.

His drinking sounds like an issue...

And what you're describing seems to be an anger problem.

I'm not qualified to say though.

Again, I agree; if he's able to see a professional and is willing to do so it may benefit him greatly.

[ChipperMonkey]

There is nothing you can do to fix him. Your job is to support him. There is a HUGE difference between fixing and supporting. He needs to be the one who initiates getting help. The alcohol may be an issue as well. So many people are completely blind to the alcohol issue, thinking "oh, its only a few drinks, no big deal". Well, speaking as someone who used to go head to head with my best friend in downing a bottle of vodka, shot for shot, but can't even tolerate half a beer without going into a sheer state of panic, don't ever fall into the "its only a little so it can't be a big deal" sand trap. A little bit can be a HUGE deal for some, whereas others can drink a bit more and be fine.

Urge him to seek out help on his own. You can't fix this, but you can support him in fixing himself.