[Tazmeena]

My boyfriend & I met 3 mths ago & became exclusive last week. He's 27. I'm 20. When I asked if he was seeing anyone before me, he said an older woman he knew for some time. But nothing serious. The other night, things got strange after he got a text. He ignored it. Red flag? It was that girl he told me about. She was mad after seeing on FB that he was in a relationship. Was she delusional? If they were casual, she'd have no reason to be upset. He told me he liked her except for the age difference. She is 38. There was no future. But after investigating his friends list, she looks more like 28. I told him she had to deal with it. End of story? NO. He felt bad and wanted to explain. Why did he care if they weren't serious? I let it go. But still felt uneasy. Later, I checked his texts while he was in the shower. Initially I thought she insisted for an explanation. But it was him pleading her forgiveness & offering to explain bc he cared for her. She said,"You treated me like a ***** and lied. Never contact me again. I want nothing to do with you." He pleaded more, asking to see her to explain. I grew sick. Aside from the age difference, she was everything he wanted. Again he said he cared. Again she didn't need an explanation. She was done and seeing other guys. He insisted to meet if only to see her & talk. I grew sicker! Am I overreacting? He wouldn't be with me if he cared that much for her. Right? Maybe he doesn't want her to hate him. Idk what to think. Please help.

[ChipperMonkey]

Kick him to the curb?

Sounds like he played her and now she is pissed. Why would he want to see her again if it was really casual and nothing serious? Why does he need to see her to explain? Why does he need her forgiveness? Seems pretty shady to me.

He's treating you like you're an option. Why make him a priority?

[~Christina]

Just walk away . You have been together only 3 months .. way to soon for a serious relationship especially when trust is broken.

You deserve better and I think you know that deep down

[Tazmeena]

Thank you both for another perspective. Christina, we met 3 mths ago, were friends and only started dating last week. So I suppose it's even worse.

[guilloche]

Oh yikes. Yeah, way too soon for so much drama - it's a big red flag. Personally, I'd get out of the relationship (before you get more attached and it gets harder!). Good luck!

[kostas19]

I think you should never value the person infront of you more then he/ she values you.

[hvert]

He wouldn't be begging to arrange a meeting with another woman if he were exclusive with you. This guy apparently lied to his other girlfriend, lied to you, and then lied again when you caught him trying to double-time.

If he hadn't lied about what he said to her, it might be possible to buy his story, but you read his texts and caught him in the act.

Better to find out now rather than later, I guess. I'm sorry

[Odee]

Honestly, I'd be willing to give the guy the benefit of the doubt based on what information you have provided here. It sounds like he was involved with her before he found a more suitable partner in you and he's aware of the emotional damage he just committed. This may show that he is actually a compassionate man that cares about how his actions impact others. He may believe that explaining in person would help her cope, even though it may not and she may only need time to move on.

I think you should just keep your eye on the situation. Your BF may simply need time to break the emotional connection that was there. If he doesn't cut ties with the woman after another month or so, then worry.

IMHO

[healingme4me]

I find it's difficult getting involved when the emotional ties, from a previous relationship weren't completely severed. Therein lies your concerns. I like the idea, of give him time, to finish the severing of that emotional connection.
Better to know now, than having a bombshell dropped on you, several months from now.
Ideally, partners entering new relationships free and clear, pasts resolved is ideal. Yet, we don't seem to live in an ideal world.

Keep us posted.

[blur]

your bf thought it was casual with this other woman and she didn't agree. that doesn't mean he lied. he may have lied, but it's quite possible she was hoping for more with him and convinced herself it was more. it happens all the time. the fact that he put on FB that he is in a relationship would lead me to give him a chance about it all because it appears he is being open and straightforward. i think you would do well to talk to him again about it all and tell him you read his texts. he probably won't be happy about that unless he's told you it is okay to read his texts.

[Tazmeena]

Thank you all for taking the time to help. He actually ended up telling me that he had been seeing her. They were friends first and he didn't expect anything to come of it bc of the age difference. But the more time he spent with her, he realized that she didn't look or even act her age. She was young acting and full if life. They had a lot in common and viewed life similarly. He basically told me what he told her in the text. I asked why he needed to see her to explain, though. He laughed and said that she wasn't the only one angry with him about changing his status on FB. He blew off all the others reactions except hers. This sort of bothered me. But I let him talk. He felt very bad for not telling her bc she was an amazing person. He never would want to do anything to hurt her bc he felt safe that she would have never hurt him. His feelings grew for her, yet things came out of nowhere between us. He had feelings for me as well. He was torn and asked his friends for advice. They told him that he wasn't thinking about how things would be in the future for them. I mean, when he's close to his 40's, she'd be close to 60. That was really the deciding factor. Him and I make more sense. But he apparently did have strong feelings for her despite the age difference. So, this evening he met up with her. I told him I was ok with it. But truthfully it wasn't easy knowing he was with her even if it was for just explaining. He apparently bought her dinner and they talked. He was a little surprised bc she really didn't want to know what had happened. But he told her anyway. According to him, she was really understanding and sweet about it. I guess she was happy for him and me. The problem was that he disclosed more about us than I would have wanted her or anyone to know. The fact that my mom doesn't like him bc he's a correction officer. He told her about my mom emailing him about how he'd never be good enough for me bc I'm going into medicine. She doesn't approve bc he won't be able to provide for me like she thinks I need. And bc he has two very young kids by two different mothers. One of which doesn't like me bc I'm not white. But maybe I'm again overreacting. He did tell me himself though .

[jimmy rich]

I grew sicker!

I hope sick enough to see that this guy is a DISHONEST player who you need to CUT LOOSE - ASAP!

[ChildlikeEmpress]

Originally Posted by Tazmeena

He laughed and said that she wasn't the only one angry with him about changing his status on FB. He blew off all the others reactions except hers. This sort of bothered me.

That would bother me, too. "All the others"?? Like he routinely sees multiple women at once? I'm definitely not a fan of that. If it were me in your shoes I would seriously consider moving on from this guy... if he has had a pattern of seeing multiple women at once before you, that usually doesn't change from my experience. And the damage gets very much worse the longer you stay in the relationship. Red flag.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Tazmeena

Thank you all for taking the time to help. He actually ended up telling me that he had been seeing her. They were friends first and he didn't expect anything to come of it bc of the age difference. But the more time he spent with her, he realized that she didn't look or even act her age. She was young acting and full if life. They had a lot in common and viewed life similarly. He basically told me what he told her in the text. I asked why he needed to see her to explain, though. He laughed and said that she wasn't the only one angry with him about changing his status on FB. He blew off all the others reactions except hers. This sort of bothered me. But I let him talk. He felt very bad for not telling her bc she was an amazing person. He never would want to do anything to hurt her bc he felt safe that she would have never hurt him. His feelings grew for her, yet things came out of nowhere between us. He had feelings for me as well. He was torn and asked his friends for advice. They told him that he wasn't thinking about how things would be in the future for them. I mean, when he's close to his 40's, she'd be close to 60. That was really the deciding factor. Him and I make more sense. But he apparently did have strong feelings for her despite the age difference. So, this evening he met up with her. I told him I was ok with it. But truthfully it wasn't easy knowing he was with her even if it was for just explaining. He apparently bought her dinner and they talked. He was a little surprised bc she really didn't want to know what had happened. But he told her anyway. According to him, she was really understanding and sweet about it. I guess she was happy for him and me. The problem was that he disclosed more about us than I would have wanted her or anyone to know. The fact that my mom doesn't like him bc he's a correction officer. He told her about my mom emailing him about how he'd never be good enough for me bc I'm going into medicine. She doesn't approve bc he won't be able to provide for me like she thinks I need. And bc he has two very young kids by two different mothers. One of which doesn't like me bc I'm not white. But maybe I'm again overreacting. He did tell me himself though .

I personally think, you've not much to worry about, with their special friendship. What's more concerning is your mom e-mailing him what she did. It's a decent wage living, and it comes with a pension.
If you feel ok, then it's probably ok.

[blur]

he has 2 young children with 2 different mothers and a bunch of women are mad he's now in a relationship? now those both are big red flags that you neglected to mention earlier. this is where you walk away from this guy rather quickly, imo.

[scorpiosis37]

There are so many red flags here.

Two young children from two different moms

Dating multiple women at once

Not ending things with his other girlfriends BEFORE committing to you and posting the relationship on FB

He couldn't decide between you and the other woman so he asked his friends to help him make a decision?! And the deciding factor was not that he had stronger feelings for you, but that you "made more sense" because you were closer in age. It sounds like he may have had stronger feelings for the other woman, but only turned her down for practical reasons. Personally, I would never date someone who was unsure if they liked me or someone else more, and needed their friends to help them decide. It seems like he still has feelings for the other woman, even if he's decided not to date her.

You guys only met three months ago and have only been dating one week, and there is this much drama already...

It sounds like he has a long history of moving through relationships pretty quickly...

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

There are so many red flags here.

Two young children from two different moms

Dating multiple women at once

Not ending things with his other girlfriends BEFORE committing to you and posting the relationship on FB

He couldn't decide between you and the other woman so he asked his friends to help him make a decision?! And the deciding factor was not that he had stronger feelings for you, but that you "made more sense" because you were closer in age. It sounds like he may have had stronger feelings for the other woman, but only turned her down for practical reasons. Personally, I would never date someone who was unsure if they liked me or someone else more, and needed their friends to help them decide. It seems like he still has feelings for the other woman, even if he's decided not to date her.

You guys only met three months ago and have only been dating one week, and there is this much drama already...

It sounds like he has a long history of moving through relationships pretty quickly...

[lilypup]

Run. I have never once checked my husband's phone or anything else. If you have to do that, you are in the wrong relationship.

[Tazmeena]

I didn't mention the two young kids bc I hadn't thought much of it. But I can see what you mean, Blur.
I realized I mistakenly put that we met 3 mths ago when I meant 3 yrs ago. We were friends and remained so after I left town. I returned at the beginning of this year. Our romance really hit us out of nowhere. A few months back I had been dating a guy 40 years old. So I knew that their relationship was probably just an fwb situation when he told me about the age difference. There was no chance for them to amount to anything.
He told me he needed to confide in his friends was bc he didn't know how to approach the situation. At first I thought he needed their advice not to make a decision. But bc he didn't want to hurt her. Yet I wonder what questions he had for his friends that would involve their age difference. Were they giving him suggestions to let her down easy? She could better handle that the age was the main factor versus him just choosing me over her.
I don't know. I always thought a man would be with whom he wants to be. Period. But I'm hearing that he still has feelings for her.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by Tazmeena

He told me he needed to confide in his friends was bc he didn't know how to approach the situation. At first I thought he needed their advice not to make a decision. But bc he didn't want to hurt her. Yet I wonder what questions he had for his friends that would involve their age difference. Were they giving him suggestions to let her down easy?

You are changing his tune now... Either he's been mixing up his explanations, you've been drastically misunderstanding him or you're making excuses for him. Idk which.

Because that ^ is not what you initially posted, this is what you said...

Originally Posted by Tazmeena

His feelings grew for her, yet things came out of nowhere between us. He had feelings for me as well. He was torn and asked his friends for advice. They told him that he wasn't thinking about how things would be in the future for them. I mean, when he's close to his 40's, she'd be close to 60. That was really the deciding factor. Him and I make more sense. But he apparently did have strong feelings for her despite the age difference.

Idk what's really going on in your relationship, since the facts keep changing, but if the relationship starts off with so much drama and red flags, I would cut my losses and run, because its starting off on such an ominous tone.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by blur

your bf thought it was casual with this other woman and she didn't agree. that doesn't mean he lied. he may have lied, but it's quite possible she was hoping for more with him and convinced herself it was more.

I disagree. there is more evidence here that he's a liar. the previous woman said "you lied to me" does it not make anyone wonder what she is saying he lied to her about? Sounds to me like he made her think for some reason at some point he was not looking for anyone else, or was exclusive to her based on the fact that she's p*ssed about seeing him in a relationship. She may be delusional but think about this... if she were the type that would be delusional about their relationship, do you not think he would be aware of that, and if he were, why would he speak so highly of her aside from her "age"? NO everything here seems to point to the idea that he mislead the previous lady, and was caught on both sides.

Besides, what does he have to explain? If he's in a relationship, by choice, exclusively, why would he have anything to explain to her at all? He would simply say "yes I'm in a relationship now." And nothing else would matter. Somewhere along the lines the other woman was mislead and he knows this. Having to explain to her says so much about this.

I may be wrong but it seems like if you look at the evidence this is a cheating a-hole.

[Tazmeena]

I'm trying to get to the bottom of this. The facts I'm giving are what they are. He tells me he sought advice bc he was torn and didn't want to hurt her. She was a good person. Then he talks some more and tells me his friend said that he wasn't thinking of the future. She was pretty much all he wanted in a person except the age difference. So he keeps adding things that have my head spinning. Since it's spinning, I am having trouble figuring it all out. It's a puzzle. I needed others opinions outside of my situation. Maybe there is something I'm not able to see. I'm writing down all I know and have heard from him in order to make sure I have given the entire story. I am not a novelist or very good writer at times. I just wanted to know that he didn't choose me bc I was practical.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by Tazmeena

I just wanted to know that he didn't choose me bc I was practical.

But, according to your own posts, that IS why he chose you. You wrote in your previous post that, when talking to his friends about whether he should chose her or you, he picked you because "you make more sense" since you're younger. That is the reason he chose you and that is the definition of practical.

It sounds like he had stronger feelings for the other woman, but did not chose her because his friends told him that she was not practical. If he hadn't talked to his friends, it sounds like he probably would have chosen her.

You've written about all of the wonderful things your boyfriend has said about this other woman, including "she has everything he wants in a woman except her age." But what reasons has your bf given to explain what he likes about you, other than your age? You haven't mentioned any of those.

It sounds like your bf made a practical choice with you, and if that is why he chose you, it isn't going to last. Not to mention that he sounds like a lying cheater.

I'm not trying to sound rude or hurt your feelings. I'm just trying to answer your question and suggest that, perhaps, you're too good for this loser!

[Tazmeena]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

But, according to your own posts, that IS why he chose you. You wrote in your previous post that, when talking to his friends about whether he should chose her or you, he picked you because "you make more sense" since you're younger. That is the reason he chose you and that is the definition of practical.

It sounds like he had stronger feelings for the other woman, but did not chose her because his friends told him that she was not practical. If he hadn't talked to his friends, it sounds like he probably would have chosen her.

You've written about all of the wonderful things your boyfriend has said about this other woman, including "she has everything he wants in a woman except her age." But what reasons has your bf given to explain what he likes about you, other than your age? You haven't mentioned any of those.

It sounds like your bf made a practical choice with you, and if that is why he chose you, it isn't going to last. Not to mention that he sounds like a lying cheater.

I'm not trying to sound rude or hurt your feelings. I'm just trying to answer your question and suggest that, perhaps, you're too good for this loser!

You're not being rude. You're trying to help. I appreciate your honesty.
Of course he's also with me bc I'm understanding, very independent, have goals, and smarter than any woman he's known at my age. Since he showed me through his actions, by making it public we are a couple, and that he's included me in his future plans, I concluded he has strong feelings.
I have a lot to think about. I'm in the military and have to go overseas to finish my schooling. We'll be separated for almost 12 mths. My last bf was abusive. I don't want to repeat another situation like that.

[hvert]

It does sound pretty complicated. Making your head spin is sort of a bad sign, too.

The first couple of years that you knew him, what did you think of his date-ability?