[Yismymindblank12]

I have made rants on here before, but this is a recurring theme in my life. I am stubborn, because I want to be treated as a human. To be expected handle responsibilities not treated as an imbecile or an immature child, because I'm not what they want me to be even when I didn't make any major mistakes.
I'm talking about, I feel like an alien, when I want to be in a committed open relationship. I want to spend love and time with this person and equally share it with others either physically or emotionally without angst or dramatic ********.

It's because I'm fed up being assumed as a cheater, when they don't know me and when I say one thing they expect me to cheat because of other people's behavior and this world I live in of relationship ********.

My reality revolves around closeting my feelings, when I date someone or when someone likes me. I open up emotionally, I am not trying to play games or their emotions, but immediately spontanaity of crap shows up from their end and I'm expected to take it "like a man". I'm expected to be this type of relationship, because everyone else does it and everyone is ignorant and fearful of the unknown. I'm tired, it's an internal issue I've had all my life, of me doing better than most people at certain things in life whether a subject I'm knowledgable in school or something at a job I do, but I'm singled out, because I don't look like this person or I'm not like what they want.

I thought relationships are about exploration of another person in all aspects good and bad, I did it with the past people accepted things as they are, but when it always came to me excluding the open relationships. Since I had a penis, or I didn't look like the guy they admire or I'm not their person they can put in a box for the perfect puzzle piece of their ideal guy. I'm assumed a loser something I cannot be manipulated, I don't like controlling people. I don't choose to control others, but girls I've dated try to control me for fear they will lose me on pretentions of things that haven't happened.

I haven't cheated once, I was open and honest, I see everywhere women be more understanding if you're open and honest, complete lie. I'm tired of this society I can't be myself, I have to be this person or that of a monogamous person they can spend their pleasure and can leave and exclude mine all together. Not saying it's all women, but it's what I've experienced all the time.

I realized I loved open relationships as an idea, because I can breathe and spend less time thinking about sex.. hold on let me finish. In the sense, that the other person has the same ability and rights to do what she pleases to meet common ground. I am easy to compromise with, but on this it's apart of me. I found this out a year ago. I felt like **** every time I dated someone. I never felt like I was in love felt more caged. It's not fair, that when I have the trust I got with someone. I didn't go out and hit on someone else, didn't talk to any other girls in any sexual way or pursue for an affair while dating, which is good for me, but did nothing, because when they find out me truly I have my own sexual kinks and quirks about me. I'm always sexually incompatible, but after that, they go out and have sex with someone or cheat on me and don't talk to me I mean after dating them for many many months or over a year or so.

It feels so scary, I never felt so vulnerable, I don't want to feel isolated. I don't want to date a million women even in an open relationship. I felt safe in a small group, when it came to emotional friendships. If I had it translate over to a romantic relationship and still have the love and friendship combined. I can commit settle easily. I'm not saying this on a false confidence it was deep in my heart I want it to be that way, because I'm scared of this cycle of before being cheated on because I'm different. I hated feeling like I can't walk the walk, because they assume I can't because others can't. I'm different for a reason and they knew it and they are afraid of losing me. I never wanted to lose them and I find it so infuriating not on being single, but being treated like a second class citizen in a relationship. I choose to be dominant now in my self confidence, and it's helped the quality somewhat with my friendships, but damn I hate being who I am. I know if I was a female, I can have what I want already with two boyfriends mutually, but even though it might be harder to find what I wanted in love like that emotionally committed, but I sure would get the hook ups which is not close to the real thing. I wouldn't care what people think of me, but I'm tired being the short end of the stick. I need to be in the middle and it's like girls in this generation are date me, marry me for me, or you get nothing.

I don't know and I'm tired of making this post and people on here take it out of context. I feel like I don't belong on this planet. I wish I could be a girl and appreciate myself. I'd love to take time on my appearance and look good for myself. I'm just not happy and very lonely not because I'm single, but the hope for having any kind of relationship that is any way mutually beneficial and not a settling for less is getting very very slim to almost impossible.

I have plenty of time, but I want to be around people who know me in that way and not be judgmental. It's hard to love yourself even though I do my best to accept me as me, when everyone else assumes something you're not.

You didn't give exact details to what happened but if it helps you bring up some true points.

[Iamboredborddbored]

Originally Posted by Yismymindblank12

I have made rants on here before, but this is a recurring theme in my life. I am stubborn, because I want to be treated as a human. To be expected handle responsibilities not treated as an imbecile or an immature child, because I'm not what they want me to be even when I didn't make any major mistakes.

I'm talking about, I feel like an alien, when I want to be in a committed open relationship. I want to spend love and time with this person and equally share it with others either physically or emotionally without angst or dramatic ********.


It's because I'm fed up being assumed as a cheater, when they don't know me and when I say one thing they expect me to cheat because of other people's behavior and this world I live in of relationship ********.


My reality revolves around closeting my feelings, when I date someone or when someone likes me. I open up emotionally, I am not trying to play games or their emotions, but immediately spontanaity of crap shows up from their end and I'm expected to take it "like a man". I'm expected to be this type of relationship, because everyone else does it and everyone is ignorant and fearful of the unknown. I'm tired, it's an internal issue I've had all my life, of me doing better than most people at certain things in life whether a subject I'm knowledgable in school or something at a job I do, but I'm singled out, because I don't look like this person or I'm not like what they want.


I thought relationships are about exploration of another person in all aspects good and bad, I did it with the past people accepted things as they are, but when it always came to me excluding the open relationships. Since I had a penis, or I didn't look like the guy they admire or I'm not their person they can put in a box for the perfect puzzle piece of their ideal guy. I'm assumed a loser something I cannot be manipulated, I don't like controlling people. I don't choose to control others, but girls I've dated try to control me for fear they will lose me on pretentions of things that haven't happened.


I haven't cheated once, I was open and honest, I see everywhere women be more understanding if you're open and honest, complete lie. I'm tired of this society I can't be myself, I have to be this person or that of a monogamous person they can spend their pleasure and can leave and exclude mine all together. Not saying it's all women, but it's what I've experienced all the time.


I realized I loved open relationships as an idea, because I can breathe and spend less time thinking about sex.. hold on let me finish. In the sense, that the other person has the same ability and rights to do what she pleases to meet common ground. I am easy to compromise with, but on this it's apart of me. I found this out a year ago. I felt like **** every time I dated someone. I never felt like I was in love felt more caged. It's not fair, that when I have the trust I got with someone. I didn't go out and hit on someone else, didn't talk to any other girls in any sexual way or pursue for an affair while dating, which is good for me, but did nothing, because when they find out me truly I have my own sexual kinks and quirks about me. I'm always sexually incompatible, but after that, they go out and have sex with someone or cheat on me and don't talk to me I mean after dating them for many many months or over a year or so.


It feels so scary, I never felt so vulnerable, I don't want to feel isolated. I don't want to date a million women even in an open relationship. I felt safe in a small group, when it came to emotional friendships. If I had it translate over to a romantic relationship and still have the love and friendship combined. I can commit settle easily. I'm not saying this on a false confidence it was deep in my heart I want it to be that way, because I'm scared of this cycle of before being cheated on because I'm different. I hated feeling like I can't walk the walk, because they assume I can't because others can't. I'm different for a reason and they knew it and they are afraid of losing me. I never wanted to lose them and I find it so infuriating not on being single, but being treated like a second class citizen in a relationship. I choose to be dominant now in my self confidence, and it's helped the quality somewhat with my friendships, but damn I hate being who I am. I know if I was a female, I can have what I want already with two boyfriends mutually, but even though it might be harder to find what I wanted in love like that emotionally committed, but I sure would get the hook ups which is not close to the real thing. I wouldn't care what people think of me, but I'm tired being the short end of the stick. I need to be in the middle and it's like girls in this generation are date me, marry me for me, or you get nothing.


I don't know and I'm tired of making this post and people on here take it out of context. I feel like I don't belong on this planet. I wish I could be a girl and appreciate myself. I'd love to take time on my appearance and look good for myself. I'm just not happy and very lonely not because I'm single, but the hope for having any kind of relationship that is any way mutually beneficial and not a settling for less is getting very very slim to almost impossible.


I have plenty of time, but I want to be around people who know me in that way and not be judgmental. It's hard to love yourself even though I do my best to accept me as me, when everyone else assumes something you're not.

How old are you?

[Yismymindblank12]

What happened is exhausting and be too long why I didn't do it in my first posting, but what did happen was that when I was in love I found out from my first relationship. I wasn't infatuated I was in love, I was 14, at that moment I knew I was different and I am a nice guy, and I found out I know what I want emotionally and won't settle for less. We broke up because of a long distance relationship and mutually parted, but we met once it was real it was nice for both of us. Later I thought it happen again, with this girl who be my second ex, but the result was she was psychotic and abusive and blamed her responsibilities and her problems on me. I made one mistake to help a friend to lead this girl on to tell her the truth which I did because I didn't want her liking me nor him. I lead her on because he was crazy, she ended up liking me and I made sure I have no interest in her, that was the one thing I regret and made a true mistake while dating my 2nd ex, but she used that as an excuse to harm me emotionally more. I understand she was distressed about that, but doesn't excuse her behavior or her irrational behavior of committing suicide on the phone at school almost getting me expelled and telling me to kill myself after being on my death bed from a brain infection that almost killed me. After that traumatic experience and that one failure I did, I didn't let that go, because I felt like that was the only time I cheated, but unintentionally, because I didn't like the other girl what so ever. My next ex was a rebound and we became friends, but we are still close good friends she cares about me and I'm grateful we've become friends. My 4th ex after her I wasn't too crazy about, but she took me by storm with how we clicked as friend's became the only relationship that was too quick and rushed young love, you're a typical highschool break up back together drama I wanted nothing apart of neither did she, but in this case, I didn't do anything wrong like with zoe, she had Dissociation Identity disorder and switched personalities and was the worst relationship, because she was very abusive and histrionic. She always told me everyday how useless and a piece of **** I was, I'm weak and that if I don't have sex with her I'm nothing. We were actually a couple for two weeks, I lost my virginity to her, and even though she had a minor physical disability. I loved her despite her flaws she took my compassion as weakness and my interest or any attraction to her advantage to abuse me. She hit me in front of my family and friends for very tiny things, if someone else said those things she'd laugh and enjoy it. She had sex with every guy in her area and assumed she'd never did those things. She was a pathological liar known by her former bff who hooked me up with her who is now my bff. She saw that she fooled me at my last innocence that she'd wants a kid and purposely use my sexual attraction as a way to get her pregnant. I was mindless then, because my hormones are difficult at the time to control as a teen, she took advantage of that it wasn't just me who said that, but lots of her former friends, my friends, and my family. She got pregnant, but wasn't physically capable to bear a child, her father loved me and thought I was her best bf, but she always found reasons to humiliate me and he was angry with her because of her abuse. The child was aborted, and I was devastated and I still wish I could be pregnant and the mother not her, everyday, because she knew she would use her to do her bidding and she wouldn't get the love she deserved from her mother and she wouldn't have a father, because my ex.
After her, my final ex, was a very sweet girl, but hurting a lot, her parents were both dead, and she took her problems on drugs and alcohol almost put me down that path. I avoided that and took a high road, I got her life back together she became a model for pin up and I helped her on her application and made the phone calls for her. She was happy because I made her dreams come true, she really appreciated, but that last year when I dated her, I found out an ugly feeling that pops up that I should of faced on for once. I realized I couldn't fall in love the way I'm doing it, I knew I was different and found out happily I am different and I should stop hating myself from open relationship type stuff. I only brought it up once, at first with a threesome, see how it goes, she was open, but she didn't tell me she didn't want that. I told her explicitly if you don't want to you don't have to and I can be happy with you, she was in a lot of pain and didn't care she wanted to live young and free, but filled with so much pain from her grief. I am afraid of hearing she died now or something, because we were best friends.

What happened from all of them with the common theme, I didn't express my needs, I learned that now. When I did and it's not their way it's no way at all in general. If I open up to accept the love and give it back, it's always like sending a signal to a voicemail and hoping they'll call you back. When my emotions were shown I was made weak. If I open up, I'm not lovable.

I ended up hating myself, because not that I'm single, it's that I'm not what girls want I'm different and that I don't belong here I feel. I kept quiet I wanted to be in an open relationship, because I've felt I was a woman as I identified myself for all my life. I only wanted the physical relationship of a romantic committed relationship, but the freedom of a small close friendship knit group like girls do when they go out with their girlfriend's to have fun.

All my life, I knew I couldn't be something they want. I had to love and accept myself, but it's so hard. I've been very closed, and I choose not to take the risk anymore when I see the first signs they won't accept. I'm not afraid of stupid crap people worry about in relationships. I also wanted that now, because I have been diagnosed with stiff person syndrome in march and if it gets worst. I don't want to be on the ground unable to move and take care of myself. I'm very intellectual and I never had the mutual understanding on my end not just their end, I always got oh I understand you. It's this ignorance that guys can open up, I play very hard to get I make people chase me now, not because I want to, but I don't have a choice. I have a lot more to offer, but I'm not appreciated and I feel so scared when someone finds serious interest and they won't agree on me or accept with this and make it a fault that I'm a problem, not a solution or a friend.
I felt used, I want nothing to do with games. I don't play them, I don't lead people on. I say the truth openly puts em off, because I'm not like the others. I'm very straight forward, I see things online from girls on fb everywhere that they want open honest guys. In reality no, I've experienced otherwise and the girls that are cool and are what I need and like. The don't care for me, because I'm not the image they want.
This is combined with childhood experiences, of being completely different from everyone and not wanting to be like others. I never felt safe, because I'm different. I didn't choose the feeling safer in open relationships, it just came to me from a long time ago and I had to accept it now. When I dated those girls, yeah they looked gorgeous and beautiful inside and out, but I hated myself, because I felt like I can't throw myself on one person with love. Not throw my crap on someone, I mean felt my love had to confined jailed and feeling like I am a prisoner in my own emotions.

It was a journey to figure it out, but now I feel still used and empty, because it hasn't changed I'm still me, alone in what I feel in this world, condemned to want things out of norm. I can't help it and all I want is to be alone, because I haven't found anything anyone who knows me as a friend. I felt subconsciously happy when a person I fell in love with who didn't exist always came to me and knew me, but I never knew her name died. I lived with this grief she might not exist she may never find me again. This person I had sex with more than one person with her at times, but we were about us as friends and experiencing new things going on vacations trips, spending every moment doing little things that we both liked. She died, and I died with her, I wanted to withhold saying this, because it's difficult to understand, I've lived with it since I was born. I experience grief from past life stuff. I felt that she will find me now somehow may not remember me, but she wants to know me because she might remember me.

I hope this makes sense. I just can't stop crying, because I feel like she's so close I can't remember her name, but I know she's real. I just don't want her to be gone.
I hope this makes sense, because I feel like ****, because I don't want new love not because it's different, because it hasn't worked in the past. I do my best to make it work, but it hasn't. I don't know what to do.

I just get an overwhelming feeling of grief and disparity of a loved one I lost or a feeling I knew I felt, but it's now gone and I can't get it back how I did before. So I have to rebuild it in different ways. I was more open to be intimate emotionally with someone, but now I can't be intimate, because this society condones behavior to leave anyone inconvenient. So in that case, it's not all or nothing for me, it's me choosing and accepting dying alone, and hoping I find this person along the way.

I just feel hopeless when I feel my butterflies, when someone tries to love me, I feel the feeling first thing what will happen when they will try to leave when things don't go their way and I didn't ever do that. I didn't quit they do.

[Yismymindblank12]

I'm ready for love but is it ready for me?

[Yismymindblank12]

I also watched a video being critical and very enlightening on the fifty shades of grey novel series. I found a quote on the docu on real couples who do bdsm, but the what it relates to me. Saying all these things on statistics that people who have kink male and female both suffer great stigma from family, friends, strangers.

That describes me exactly when I meet a girl, I feel that I struggle with a recent problem of wanting to be intimate recent I mean this year. Also struggling with my sexuality being shamed upon of wanting to be dominant and having sex with my partner with another person. I am always with someone over a long time and meet all these control freaks, who want me to submit, but I'm too stubborn, because I've been so done being told what to do all my life and being assumed less than a human in the manner I've been treated of. I've done a great job with my current single independence, but it's getting much harder, because of this society we live in and I fear of falling in love with people who only care about hurting me because they are more afraid than I am.

[Yismymindblank12]

I am masochistic and people I am surrounded are so sex negative, I feel like every relationship has been the same, because I chose to not open up since I saw they aren't compatible and they want me to be their one and only and I know I can't do that, because they've shown they can't be anywhere what I feel connected to.

I don't feel empowered I feel weak and hurt every time I fall in love, because it lies, inconvenient, and above all satisfying I'm crying and sad and hurting. It's not that I want the abuse, but the pain emotionally from being treated like **** and cheated on and being forced to cry and being submissive. I took it too far in my head where, I wanted some people in my life to actually murder me in a very violent brutal horrific way, because of bdsm type of stuff. I keep things quiet about me in this way, because it's a mix of wanting to die in love and wanting to be free in love. My mind sometimes fools me that being murdered horrifically by a loved one, will set me emotionally free.

The fact is, I wanted to face the trauma's I've faced as a child for being almost murdered horrifically and tortured in a very cruel unusual way to enjoy that pain and die with it in honor. It's false I know rationally and easily, but it's so hard to admit, because I'm not suicidal. I'm beyond damaged, I'm not just some abused child like the stories I hear a lot, because I chose as a child that I used to believe that love was pain, and that true love was to be in a form of punishment that dying was apart of love's climax, and that they will love me forever if I'm dead and out of their life. It's a sick fantasy made by some sick people who've done very violent brutal things to me as a very young boy. Not by my parents, by people I grew up with in my neighborhood. I can't tell you how much I wouldn't wish this on anyone and that no justice was served to the people who harmed me. All I wanted to do is die, because I failed, and that love was the same after that from family friends everyone I meet. I wanted them to beat me as hard as they can I know how to fight well, but I choose all the time to enjoy the pleasure of being beaten senseless and watch people pity me, because of pleasure sake and deep down I just want to die, because I never felt love. I felt only the bigger hands, the lies, the seduction, and the true anguish I endure, because deep down I want freedom, but this is as close I've gotten. It's so hard to tell people even my therapist this, because they don't know my mom never knew she only knew the aftermath of my face, my dad never knew, my sister couldn't understand even if she tried, no one knew, because I seen evil and witnessed it.

I never wanted to fall in love, because it's enabling this. I do need help, but I can't go to a mental hospital it's useless. I ideally want a therapist who understands the nature of bdsm and kink with understanding abuse, and many aspects of relationships that are healthy. It's very hard to talk about it, because people who experienced a lot of trauma or don't never had understood. They like to categorize me as this or that and whatever is normal and that's fine, but it doesn't help me. I don't like falling love without feeling my lover is my murderer literally and I'll die from my stiff person helpless and vulnerable. I get scared of being tied down every night from my condition, because it reminds of being held hostage. I just remembered these suppressed memories and it's so unreal, with everything. I started my life not rough, but like it was like I was kidnapped feeling against my will and forced to do things I didn't want to do. I felt like a slave, a hostage, a low life, a person who is supposed to lick someone else's boots for a false hope of five minutes of fake friendship and emotional love. I never understood love, because it never understood me, I can't describe some of the horrors, because it's too graphic and not appropriate anywhere.
I still can't believe the police let him go free. I can still feel it, and you know it's taken form in people I like. It's so hard to love someone, not knowing if the rejection is going to be someone hanging up on you or their going to have someone hurt you. I had dreams all my life, for people I know who love me and care about me unconditionally can't hear my screams in a window and wave and smile at me gracefully while. I'm crying and screaming in silence, with my lungs bursting not able to give out as much, not knowing they can hear me that, "he's coming to hurt me please help." The fact is, I felt that vulnerability as like a captive in war or someone who has committed the greatest crimes in humanity to be tortured in horrific fashions. That's what it feels like to me, and I can't stop crying, because I want to feel free. I want to believe that I'm not trapped in this idea of God, religion, and the universe, all I wanted after I die is to never come back here. Never ever come back, I don't want to go to heaven nor hell, just far far away somewhere safe. I can't describe to you how painful this is.

[IceCreamKid]

I'll be honest and say I stopped about halfway through your post.

You can be whatever you want to be. There will be consequences and you may not like all of those consequences.

This is true of whatever "way" you choose to be. It is true of everyone and his or her choices.

If I understood what all you wrote before I had to stop reading, you want to do what you want and you want people (or to be more specific, the people you interact with) to respect your choices.

I can tell you that some will respect you, and some will not. You cannot force the ones who do not agree with your choices to agree; however, you can move on.

I've seen men, and women, come onto PC and talk about their -- for lack of a better word -- beingness (specifically their manhood or womanhood) and how they feel forced by society to conform and how they do not want to conform.

Don't conform if you do not want to. By being your authentic self, you will draw others who think as you do.

Now on to harsh realities. The reality is some lifestyle choices can have more unpleasant consequences than others. Choosing a life of crime, for example; or choosing a life of fame; extremes lead to extremes.

If you want to be free to have sex with more than one person, you will find some people do not want that and your best bet is not to pursue such people. You will find others who share your desire.

I don't view this as you being "forced to be something you are not." I view this as the consequence of your choices. By being honest and unapologetic about what you desire for your own life, you will most quickly find yourself among the people who share your desires. I hope this helps.

[Yismymindblank12]

20 soon to be 21

[Yismymindblank12]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

I'll be honest and say I stopped about halfway through your post.

You can be whatever you want to be. There will be consequences and you may not like all of those consequences.

This is true of whatever "way" you choose to be. It is true of everyone and his or her choices.

If I understood what all you wrote before I had to stop reading, you want to do what you want and you want people (or to be more specific, the people you interact with) to respect your choices.

I can tell you that some will respect you, and some will not. You cannot force the ones who do not agree with your choices to agree; however, you can move on.

I've seen men, and women, come onto PC and talk about their -- for lack of a better word -- beingness (specifically their manhood or womanhood) and how they feel forced by society to conform and how they do not want to conform.

Don't conform if you do not want to. By being your authentic self, you will draw others who think as you do.

Now on to harsh realities. The reality is some lifestyle choices can have more unpleasant consequences than others. Choosing a life of crime, for example; or choosing a life of fame; extremes lead to extremes.

If you want to be free to have sex with more than one person, you will find some people do not want that and your best bet is not to pursue such people. You will find others who share your desire.

I don't view this as you being "forced to be something you are not." I view this as the consequence of your choices. By being honest and unapologetic about what you desire for your own life, you will most quickly find yourself among the people who share your desires. I hope this helps.

I don't intend to pursue those people, when I find out they won't fit I shut them out or respectfully tell them this won't work. I'm not forced in the sense, I feel that from my lack of meeting anyone anywhere who is more like me in this regard I feel isolated and forced from my friends from my choice to tell them about it to make me be with someone even if I don't like it.
I know how to handle it, but it's so stressful on the pressure. That's all.