[Da2014]

Lost Trust in Boyfriend’s Best Female Friend.

This will be long and I apologize in advance, I feel I must flush out some of the history first.

I have been living with my boyfriend for one year. Prior to that we were friends for 10 years but from afar. When I moved here to be with him, I had to deal with some pretty heavy issues concerning his baggage and past.

My boyfriend had an ex that wanted to try and rekindle the relationship, he got rid of her. Anther ex, who was his first love seemed upset he never mentioned me to her…and then she insisted on meeting me. I have become used to his first love and do not feel threatened by her any longer. He also had a good female friend from another country who stalked me online and became insistent that she, he and I chat on skype. After I broke off contact with her and asked her not to contact me due to making me feel uncomfortable, she did anyway some moths later and not in a kind way - My boyfriend does not deal with her any longer. My boyfriend also has a male friend who has been causing issues by speaking out of line to me privately and implying certain things to my boyfriend regarding my character. My boyfriend has confronted him, with his male friend stating that he will not apologize to me because of something that happened between my boyfriend and him years ago before my boyfriend and I were even a couple. My boyfriend will be ending that tie soon.

I feel very bad about all this and it has made me question if I should be in this relationship because I feel he has bad luck in the sort of people he surrounds himself with and that he has issues letting go of past relationships, even if they are bad. My boyfriend had never noticed that his pals were kind of crummy before but does now and also feels bad.

Last night something else happened. My boyfriend has a best female friend who is 20 years younger than him. He has known her ten years. I have always trusted her, always felt okay with her until last night. She became drunk and started to get emotional. He started a conversation in which her birthday came up, which he did not remember and she became hurt. It has been a long-standing joke between them that he always forgets. He told her that he put her birthday in his phone to which she replied, “My heart is not in your phone.” – she would not let it go for ten minutes, pouting and playing the victim, basically reacting with extreme emotion. So I cut a joke, said “At least your birthday is not the same day as his first love, who he still talks to.” While I admit it was knd of an odd statement from me, it was also a joke. His best friend tells me she wants to talk to me outside and pulls me aside to tell me I have nothing to worry about with my boyfriend. I was a tad offended. I replied it was a joke.

Before that though, there was a discussion about the intimacy of shaving eyebrows with her and me observing. The topic of allowing people to shave your face, and the question of would you allow it. She complimented him on his eyebrows, but it seemed as if she was flirting – not as if it were merely a compliment. It seemed almost personal for her – even my boyfriend thought it was off.

Another thing is during this time the topic of his mother came up again, as it did last time and he explained that she died in a casino. His best friend apparently did not know. His best friend went on to say how wonderful she is. (I have never met her) and my boyfriend replied something silly to which she said, “Hey, do not downplay my relationship with your mother.” She had only met my boyfriend’s mother once.

The whole thing seemed odd. Even my boyfriend thought so as well.

I feel I have lost trust in her, that she has feelings for him underneath the surface and I am angry. I no longer want to be in any uncomfortable situations because I have had a lot of bad things happen since coming here and enough is enough in my eyes. I do not feel his best female friend is honest in how she feels about him. I also know that in the future I will most likely feel uncomfortable at any gatherings that happen at her house. As it is when there, shared experiences come up often, almost too often and I feel very left out. I have explained this to my boyfriend but he tells me to just jump in. Kind of hard when I have not been there.

My boyfriend has made is clear a few times that even if I were not here and she professed feelings for him, it wouldn’t happen, that there are too many things about her he dislikes. That while he cares, she is not for him. It still bothers me though.

Any advice? Any thoughts? I am curious how anyone else would deal with it or how others feel about this, or they have had similar and if so how they dealt with it, positive and negative feedback from anybody welcome.

Thank you in advance.

[hvert]

Are there any friends he has that you like? I would be very hesitant about being in a relationship with someone who only had friends I couldn't stand. The incident you described didn't seem that bad to me, but you were there and I wasn't, so maybe you saw something else that made you feel that way.

I think it's okay to sort of separate yourself from those situations. If you don't like hanging around with him and one of his friends, go do something else and let him be with his friends on his own. It *is* awkward to be around two people that are talking about something they did in the past without you. I know that I like to have time alone with my friends, when my boyfriend isn't around.

I wonder if another part of this is that you moved to be with him. He stayed in place, with all his baggage and old friends, but you left your friends behind. That would feel sort of alienating to me.

Do you have your own friends to be with? When two people come together in a relationship they each have their own friends from their single life. I would not try to come between my bf and his old friends regardless of their sex. If he loves you there is nothing to worry about. I would encourage my bf to go on his own with his friends and I prefer to be with mine alone as well.

[Da2014]

Thank you. To answer both your questions, yes, I like two of his male friends. I did like his best female friend until very recently when she got 'weird' on him. Part of me takes into consideration alcohol consumption...

I did leave my life behind. My job, parents, friends and other family. But I have been open to his friends and excited to meet and spend time with them. The problem is they have not been very accommodating. I feel it rude to reiterate the past in front of someone at their exclusion...I find it rude to flirt and be needy - he knows I feel badly I never met his mother, yet his best female friend always brings it up.

Basically though, many of his friends have been horrible, without goals or any real etiquette or respect toward me or Jon...sadly. I have been questioning my relationship and giving serious consideration to leaving, which is sad. I love him, but maybe not enough to handle this.

I do encourage him to spend time alone with his friends. In fact today he will be picking up the male friend from the airport that I dislike. This male friend has been very unkind about me for no reason, as I even offered to let him sleep on our couch when things got bad for him.

I have no issue with that.

I have even told him it is okay for him to do things with him without me but he doesn't like that. When he does do things its generally work related (His best female friend is also his assistant) as he tells me he doesnt want to hang out with them alone too often, finds it draining etc etc.

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate it.

[hvert]

I think this would be less of a problem for you if you made some friends that were just yours, not his-- as well as some friends that you meet together at the same time. The friends that he knew before he met you will always talk about things you don't really understand.

It doesn't change the fact that you don't like most of his friends, but it evens out the playing field a bit.

[lilypup]

I think it is too bad that you have left your old life behind. If i were you, I would try to build a relationship with new people or some of your old friends. If you are just dating this guy, I don't see any big problem, but if you eventually want to marry someone, I don't think he's a good bet. I have been married 28 years and my husband does not see any of his ex girlfriends and never has. That would make me feel odd. My husband did have some friends that didn't like me (I think two) and they drifted off. My husband and I now both have many individual friends and couple friends. My own friends like my husband, if they didn't i probably would stop spending time with them.
Bottom line, I would not want to be in a relationship where i felt like people didn't like me.

[Da2014]

I feel the way you do. Exactly. I've been struggling with the fact I no longer think this is a good situation for me emotionally. I love him, just that this seems to be too much. I feel as if am asking him t make too many changes for me. On the other hand, I also think he should want to - afterall, I would do the same for him.

It's a no win situation. For him and me.

Thank you for your comment, it lets me know I am not alone.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by Da2014

On the other hand, I also think he should want to - afterall, I would do the same for him.
It's a no win situation. For him and me.

Hello:
When my now wife and I first got together, we noticed some issues with each others friends. We were studying relationship skills and trying to use them in our relationship because our 1st marriages had failed due to a lack of good relationship knowledge. Because I had done such a bad job with my 1st marriage and I was extremely committed to my new partner, I WANTED to do whatever would work for both of us even if it meant DUMPING so-called friends that offended her or that she did not LIKE and she WANTED to do the same for me so we both happily agreed that our relationship to and with each other was way more important than these not-so-wonderful "friends" so we DUMPED ALL OF THEM! That was a WIN WIN situation for us!
We have never missed any of them and do not regret sticking by each other instead of our so-called friends.
good luck,
jim

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Da2014

I have no issue with that.

I have even told him it is okay for him to do things with him without me but he doesn't like that. When he does do things its generally work related (His best female friend is also his assistant) as he tells me he doesnt want to hang out with them alone too often, finds it draining etc etc.

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate it.

I had this ex boyfriend, who's need to create friends was his greatest priority. I could probably rattle off a list of twenty or so female friends he had over the course of the six year relationship. (Following Questions are directly to make point of my ex bf) Did he have a mom, that walked out. Sort of? Yeahhhh. Was there early childhood abuses that even affected a certain aspect of life? Yeahhhh. Did I get to meet everyone of these girls? Yeahhhhh. Were the girls really the threat, in a direct manner? nooooooo. Were the friendships themselves indirectly harmful to his and my relationship? Yeahhhhh. Was it a seemingly catch 22 to broach, at that time? Yeahhhhh. Did I see clearly why it indirectly affected things, back then? nnnooooooo.
Did failure to properly maintain a functional means of communication, all baggage addressed and resolved to get there, end things? kkiiinnndddaaa...
Did he email me, after disappearing for a vacation week, to tell me he'd met someone while visiting an ivy league school, and did her parents after they married pay for his out of country grad degree??? Hhmmmmhmmmmm. Did he continue his ways in being friends with as many women as possible? Hmmmmhmmmmm

Hopeful yours isn't that bad, but gotta ask why the need ? Where's it coming from, and is it from a healthy place, and if committed to the relationship, why the friction?