[ThisWayOut]

What's the best way to get a person to realize how angry and rude they present to the rest of the world? My mom yells all the time. She's condescending and angry and mean a lot of the time. When I tried to tell her that her raised voice and emotion behind her statements is very triggering to me, she said it was all my perception that is wrong, and that I need to change the way I view the world. She also yelled at me and told me that she has every right to be angry, and I should stop telling her she can't be. At a later time, I tried to rephrase what I said and maybe say it in a less threatening or invalidating way. Again she said it's my perception that needs to change, not anything she may or may not be doing, because my perception is wrong.
She's constantly yelling. I'm not the only person who has noted this. The dogs are developing ptsd-like startle responses to any louder noise or sudden movement. She's breaking things and cursing at the slightest annoyance. No one wants to come to our house because of how uncomfortable she makes everyone feel. She's behaving just like my dad did growing up. I'm very careful not tp say this to her because that's a huge hair-trigger for her... It's really difficult living here with her. I'm slated to move as soon as my wife and I can save for a place, but it's not happening fast enough. It's there a way to get her to tone things down? I'm not trying to tell her she can't ever be angry, but maybe she can lighten up a bit?
I know I can't change anyone else's behavior, but is there a way to get her to see how she presents? Just a few minutes ago, she gave the dogs peanut butter in bones. One of them dropped it on the floor and the peanut butter stuck tp the floor. The dog ended up licking it up, but she yelled at him, told him what a stupid idiot he was, how she's never going to give him peanut butter bones again because he's a messy pig, and that he was disgusting. I know he's a dog and can't understand the words, but he understood the tone. And it's not like he dropped the bone on carpet, it's on the tile... she has similar reactions to everyone and everything. She takes everything as a personal affront. Even if someone is sick, she acts like they are sick just to disgust her. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells trying to keep her happy, but I shouldn't have to...
I would leave the house more, but then I get yelled at for not being around (I also don't have enough gas to get me places, nor do I have places to hang out for the day)...
I wish I could get her to see how mean, angry, and abusive she sounds. Even if I could get her just to lower her voice when she's angry, it would make life easier... (I tried recording her for several minutes, but she refuses to listen to the recording). :/

[Soul Quake]

She sounds like she needs anger management. Stage an intervention. If multiple people are involved, then maybe she'll understand it has nothing to do with you and everything to with her anger.

[healingme4me]

Can you walk away, when her voice goes shrill?

[ThisWayOut]

Sadly, there's no one to stage am intervention with, at last not anyone she knows and would care about. I almost, almost got her to agree to see a therapist, but she hasn't made the call yet.
Unfortunately there is no way to walk away from her. While the house would be big enough, the living room is right near my bedroom. Even with the door closed and the tv or music on, I can still hear her. I do take the dogs into the bedroom with me though. We get away as best we can.
Is there a good way to do an intervention with just one person? Is there a way to keep her from getting defensive?

[Soul Quake]

This is a genuine suggestion. When she starts yelling, start to sing and don't stop until she does. Heck, encourage her to jump in.

[healingme4me]

Could try another angle.

Go for the physical health angle. Find everything and anything you can about stress, heart health, etc etc. Voice your concern about wanting her to be around when and if you and your wife decide to have children, and is she ok? You love her and worry about her. Clearly her stress is eating her up inside.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I tried recording her for several minutes,

I was going to suggest that.
Since I have done a lot of self esteem and self respect work in therapy, there is no way that I would allow ANYONE to do what she does to me OR my animals. I would overwhelm such a person and stuff a sock in their mouth before I'd put up with being abused that way or let her abuse my animals.
It's just my current policy and attitude but I'd take such a person on in any way there is rather than allow them to do this to me anymore like it was in my miserable childhood with two very troubled parents!
I suppose an intervention would help but I wouldn't wait for that. I'd do something about her NOW if it were my problem. I'm reluctant to say what, other than it wouldn't be pretty!
good luck,
jim