[palemoss]

Hello,
I recently got into a nasty text msg argument with a guy I've been seeing for the last 6 months. He is very hot/cold toward me and playing the field with some very lame girls, probably to protect his emotions. He is way below my league in terms of looks and profession - but what can I say, I liked him!

That being said, I know he finds me extremely attractive and respects how accomplished I am.

I finally couldn't deal with it anymore and lashed out via text during one of his "cold" periods (i.e., when he pulls away from me - weeks at a time). I told him he "used me" and called him a "piece of sh**" "motherf*cker that deserves to be punched" "d*ck"

He said this is all "coming out of nowhere" and "he doesn't appreciate my aggression" and that "name calling is ******"

He's forgiven me once before for arguing about why he pulls away. I am unsure if he will forgive me again. I feel guilty but I realize that he is not the right guy for me.

Has anyone else ever done this to a guy they've been seeing or boyfriend? Is there any way to broach this? I feel so guilty and ashamed.

[healingme4me]

I've probably said a few choice words, at the ending of things, but not in hopes of rekindling.

I don't know that I'd stay, probably not even date, a man playing the field. At a certain point, for me, mutual exclusivity is of utmost importance to take that giant leap into physical intimacy. How to even make it to the notorious date three, if he's on dates one, four, and five with other women?

Knowing a lot more about depression at this point in life, if I believed my man was withdrawn, I'd mention it with the conversation starter of, you seem quiet and withdrawn, I haven't heard from you, in a while, is everything ok?
Seeing what he says from there, matters. Depression can do that, often, and it's common to be oblivious.

To expect forgiveness after lashing out, turns the relationship into a cat and mouse trap. If he isn't meeting your standards, letting go may in turn be easier. Doesn't seem like he's the right guy for you.

Feeling used, implies that he hasn't been attending to you. He's not meeting basic needs, apparently. Maybe time to just move on. He probably never will.

[palemoss]

ty for this

Hi Pale,

i'm sorry this must be emotionally draining,
from a lot of previous experience cussing out exes as a defense mechanism, the only way I know so far to get rid of the internal feeling is to just cut them off to help both sides heal.

I know it's harsh and you probably don't want to do this but it really really helps.

I have currently let my ex back into my life within boundaries, and already finding it hard to control feelings of anger and rage towards him as he hurt me greatly.

Emotional triggers and how to regulate emotions can be treated and worked on through therapy called CAT apparently.

Chance are if you have done this before, then you are likely to react like this against and eventually it might make you intolerable towards relationships xxxxx hugs

[palemoss]

ty for this

[Silent Void]

I think you should call it quits with this guy. He ran hot and cold. That's a red flag right there. From my perspective, he's not all that interested except for what he can get out of you.

[palemoss]

appreciate it. yeah it's strange how one can fall for the wrong guy over and over again

[~Christina]

I agree with the others just end this.. You deserve someone that will treat you with love , kindness and respect not out there with others playing.

I understand your outburst at him... But realize that being pushed to do so should make it clear this is a dead end with him.

Falling for the same guy over and over ? Do you mean him or has this happened to you with other guys? If you have been in this situation before then you need to look into yourself and find out why you allow this type of relationships to occur..

Good luck

Sorry to add to this Pale but you are in the right here,
I've decided that we DO NOT need these people, they are clearly triggers, and there are nicer people out there.

[palemoss]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I agree with the others just end this.. You deserve someone that will treat you with love , kindness and respect not out there with others playing.

I understand your outburst at him... But realize that being pushed to do so should make it clear this is a dead end with him.

Falling for the same guy over and over ? Do you mean him or has this happened to you with other guys? If you have been in this situation before then you need to look into yourself and find out why you allow this type of relationships to occur..

Good luck

no just falling for emotionally unavailable men. but thank you for this - it is clear. thanks

[lilypup]

Yes, I would move on. Maybe (if you think you need to), text him and tell him you are sorry for your poor behavior. Then just cut off all contact with him and keep looking.

[ChipperMonkey]

Uhm, maybe he's so hot/cold because he knows that she looks down on him because he doesn't look as good as her or have as good of a job! (Curious why nobody called the OP on her judgment and condescending remarks about this guy!) If some guy thought I was beneath him, YOU BETTER BELIEVE I'D RUN HOT AND COLD!

Examine your own behavior before throwing all blame at the other party!

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Uhm, maybe he's so hot/cold because he knows that she looks down on him because he doesn't look as good as her or have as good of a job! (Curious why nobody called the OP on her judgment and condescending remarks about this guy!) If some guy thought I was beneath him, YOU BETTER BELIEVE I'D RUN HOT AND COLD!

Examine your own behavior before throwing all blame at the other party!

I think excessive emotion can get in the way of rational thinking but there is no smoke without fire...

It isn't always fuelled by someone's immediate outburst, there could have been other ways she may have felt trapped or emotionally manipulated, sometimes people don't realise they are doing it to others. But I can see what you're saying.

[palemoss]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Uhm, maybe he's so hot/cold because he knows that she looks down on him because he doesn't look as good as her or have as good of a job! (Curious why nobody called the OP on her judgment and condescending remarks about this guy!) If some guy thought I was beneath him, YOU BETTER BELIEVE I'D RUN HOT AND COLD!

Examine your own behavior before throwing all blame at the other party!

thank you for the insight. me being out of his league and a professional with a graduate degree were traits that were obvious but did not matter bc i made my desire for him well known. i mean, he has a good job and went to college too and does cool stuff on the side as well. i never thought he was "beneath" me.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by palemoss

He's forgiven me once before for arguing about why he pulls away. I am unsure if he will forgive me again. I feel guilty but I realize that he is not the right guy for me. Has anyone else ever done this to a guy they've been seeing or boyfriend? Is there any way to broach this? I feel so guilty and ashamed.

Hello:
Your situation is familiar to me because I attended a lot of Codependency meetings and groups where these patterns of behavior are discussed and examined.
At CODA, I learned how and why I was attracted to ON/OFF type individuals (there's a clinical term for this) and then HOW to deal with both my impulses to go for them and their impulses to be attracted to me. All I can offer in a little forum like this is a few hints about how I dealt with situations somewhat like yours and allow you or anyone to take it from here.
IMO, therapy and support groups was the way to go to BREAK my early childhood conditioning and programming to get caught up with an ON/OFF type of USERS. The best teaching I found was to build up and strengthen my Self Esteem and respect which made it nearly impossible to get caught up with an ON/OFF USER. It also helped to come to see how inadequate parenting had set me up to be so vulnerable to such a USER.
In the end fixing myself was the ultimate solution and, in Recovery groups, finding the solutions is the main thing.
Wishing you well,
Jim

[palemoss]

Originally Posted by jimmy rich

Hello:
Your situation is familiar to me because I attended a lot of Codependency meetings and groups where these patterns of behavior are discussed and examined.
At CODA, I learned how and why I was attracted to ON/OFF type individuals (there's a clinical term for this) and then HOW to deal with both my impulses to go for them and their impulses to be attracted to me. All I can offer in a little forum like this is a few hints about how I dealt with situations somewhat like yours and allow you or anyone to take it from here.
IMO, therapy and support groups was the way to go to BREAK my early childhood conditioning and programming to get caught up with an ON/OFF type of USERS. The best teaching I found was to build up and strengthen my Self Esteem and respect which made it nearly impossible to get caught up with an ON/OFF USER. It also helped to come to see how inadequate parenting had set me up to be so vulnerable to such a USER.
In the end fixing myself was the ultimate solution and, in Recovery groups, finding the solutions is the main thing.
Wishing you well,
Jim

wow can you provide more insight about what you learned at these meetings? specifically what they said about on/off types? my childhood was pretty okay - my dad worked alot and i was physically disciplined if i stepped out of line, but nothing too crazy i think.