Reconnecting w/an old flame

I met a very sweet Midwestern man when I was 18 (he was 23) 9 years ago. I was very young & naive and till maturing & finding myself as a person. We went on two dates after we met each other and then he moved to work in NY. We kept in touch pretty regularly by phone and text messages and all of our exchanges were positive & happy and we tried to visit each other but things always got in the way (he was in a car accident, I got chicken pox, broke my phone, etc) or he was super busy w/wrk traveling 3 wks out of every month.

I thought the absolute world of him, but was very skeptical of how genuine his intentions & emotions were bc I had very low self-esteem & could not understand why he wanted me or liked me. He thought the world of me and encouraged me to be a strong & smart woman he knew me to be. He never dated anyone seriously after we met or during the 4 years we had an undefined long distance “relationship”, but did see a few women causally while we were not speaking (we would butt heads on occasion about my employment or silly things & not speak for weeks or months).

One day during an afternoon chat, 4 years & some mths into our relationship, he told me that it was time, that he wanted me to move & live with him, he wanted to take care of me & I could pursue whatever made me happy, and that he wanted to make love to me (we never had sex or anything beyond kissing) and although hesitant (bc I was afraid of being so intimate & having someone so genuinely good), I agreed.

A few weeks followed & my ex best friend hacked my social media account with a vengeance (we had a fight over her anger issues & mistreatment of me-verbal abuse & yelling that went south- so I moved out) and started posting all these public obsessive things about him & friending all his friends so they’d see all these statues (she had been privy to many of the intimate details about our relationship & my hopes/feelings) and he was very upset about his/our privacy being violated & all these very personal things being made known before he/he & I were ready or before we’d even talked/thought about them. …After clearing up that fiasco with reporting my account & regaining control, he very kindly told me that he had to let me go. I was very sad at the time, accepted it even though it was not my doing, and said I’d wait if he ever came back. I assumed he was mortified & scared by what he saw and/or communicated back to him by his friends as they were pretty crazy & serious and thought once things settled & he’d had time to think, he’d come back to me like he always had.

…My phone was silent for months & we didn’t talk for another almost 5 years. During that time, I had a serious relationship with another man my age & we had two young children, but ended our relationship, bc he was/is a very unhealthy person.

Well, 3 months ago, I decided I would once & for all reach out to the midwestern man in an attempt to have a friendship, bc he was/is my mentor & still very special to me. I sent a casual text to his phone number I still knew by heart knowing this may not turn out positive or he may not respond. Well, 20 mins after it sent, my phone went off & my heart went jumping with it; I read his txt (in his voice as I remembered it) saying absolutely to being friends & starting anew. We spend the remaining of that day sending each other texts back and forth chatting, joking, explaining, flirting, and asking questions…

He told me he was very glad I reached out to him, bc I was always a very special girl to him and immediately asked me if I was married or dating anyone and when I replied no, he asked if I’d like to spend time with him and suggested we go to South Beach and have a weekend together that he’d pick up the tab for (which didn’t happen bc my son’s birthday wknd was the only option I couldn’t miss that and Mr. Midwest only had that available). Also, he let slip that he knew things about me he could not have, like having two kids, two boys in fact since we haven’t talked long before I was pregnant with my first child and we have no friends in common for that type of info to pass in social circles. While I did not ask or confront him about it, I’m almost certain that he’s been Facebook stalking me since I noticed he unblocked me a few weeks before I first contacted him and that would be the only way he could know about my children or could have assumed I was married…

We talk about every other week during these last couple of months (he’s still very much busy with work) and he’s making a trip to see me in my city during September for a weekend and is considering investing of his own accord in a company I want to start once I submit him a business plan & it looks good…

I’m elated, but I’m not really sure what to expect. A huge part of me wants to believe he’s coming back for me & we’ll make up for all that lost time between us since we’ve resumed where we left off in a sense and we are much older & more mature to make this time successful. However, the rational part of me knows it’s been 9 years since we’ve physically have seen each other and 5 years since we parted ways and I’m sure we’ve each changed. Regardless, I still feel very connected to him & I do have very intense feelings for him, that mimic or could be love despite all these years gone by.

Is there any advice you might have for me or any opinions on how to proceed forward or insights?

Hi, bellezza11, and welcome to Psych Central! I honestly think you need to tread very lightly. Maybe meet with him, but more as a friend without benefits. Get to know him. As you say, a lot of time has passed. Who knows what has been going on with him. It sounds like he knows more about you than you know about him.

And for goodness sake, be careful what you tell others about your relationships and be careful what you post on Facebook.

My two cents' worth anyway....

I think Travelinglady is so right. Sure meet with him go for lunch, or meet him for coffee. Get to know him again!!! That is the only way you will truly know if you want to start a more meaningful relationship. Enjoy each others company, spend time!!!
Even best friends do not need to or should not want to know the intimate details of any of your relationships. I would never ask about that kind of thing it is private!!!! So if you don't share, no one can tell!!!!
I also agree about Facebook, or any other social site. Geeeeezzee I see the most personal information on there. Personal info, arguments, personal feelings about others, should be no no's! Period.
Good luck to you!

i would take it really slowly and just get to know each other again. one thing i absolutely would not do is have him invest in your business. you need to know you can trust him after he cut you out of his life, and i don't think a financial entanglement is a good idea at all. keep your relationship and your finances separate because if the relationship goes south then you won't be tied to him financially. if he wants to give you a financial gift (not a loan) that is fine but no strings.

Welcome to Psych Central.

I'm also reconnecting with an "old flame", as you put it, although, not romantically... not even as a friend, at least initially, although, I think we're getting there... she's pretty unorthodox, to say the very least. I'm just trying to keep myself distanced, both physically and literally - the last thing I need is old "feelings" for her to return. It was easier when I hated her. She's married, and has a kid, too.

Anywho, I pretty much agree with everything TL said.

I hate FB.

Please be careful with this. People change and only over time will you be able to determine if you want anything to do with him at this point in your life.