So my partner is challenging me to talk to her about what I think about her. Normally I do this with touch and also occasionally with gifts. I don't like talking about anything deep, it makes me want to leave the room and spend time by myself.

I think she wants to hear the 'L' word.

It's hard to say that I love her because I don't know what that is, and I don't know that anybody does.

I think the best I can say is that she is important to me and that I enjoy being with her. Is this enough?

[A Red Panda]

It's between the two of you if it is enough. It may or may not be enough for her - she's been with you for quite a while now right?

It might serve you best to be honest with her about not really understanding what love is. It's fairly reasonable of her to want to know, because verbal communication is really important for some people. She's expressing her need to you.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Illegal, possibly not enough
Not necessarily in terms of your feelings, if you don't think you love her absolutely don't feel drawn into saying that for both your sakes, but in terms of content.
Do you think you can relate to her some reasons why she's important to you or why you enjoy being with her??
But if you have real problems talking about things like that, and I'm assuming she's really understanding generally about that, maybe she'd be OK with you writing/giving her a letter saying how you feel do you think??
Afterall it's going to be a lot more than you've been able to say to her and it might give her some reassurance??
And maybe you could work with her in expressing your feelings (in other areas as well??) verbally a bit more, it might take time, but something to work on???
And you might find different things help with this e.g. different settings, different circumstances, timing, things she/you can say before/during that could help................???
Alison

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi Illegal, possibly not enough

Are you being sarcastic, or are you saying that I am close?

Do you think you can relate to her some reasons why she's important to you or why you enjoy being with her??
But if you have real problems talking about things like that, and I'm assuming she's really understanding generally about that, maybe she'd be OK with you writing/giving her a letter
Alison

Yes the letter would be easier. I might post it here.

Something like 'you are important to me because you are part of my life and i want to see you happy and successful, etc'.

Thoughts?

[Mikeyboy]

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

Are you being sarcastic, or are you saying that I am close?


Yes the letter would be easier. I might post it here.

Something like 'you are important to me because you are part of my life and i want to see you happy and successful, etc'.

Thoughts?

In regards to the letter, I obviously can't say with any certainty whether it's a good idea or not, as I do not know you or your significant other, but I can relay to you my own experience. I do not enjoy talking about feelings, I do not understand them and I'm not sure I experience them the same way others do. I don't just dislike talking about them, I do not know how. When I try to verbally communicate what I'm feeling, face to face, everything becomes muddled and I get frustrated. One of the ways over the course of my relationship with my wife, going back to the first few weeks we were dating that I've relayed what she means to me and why I want her in my life, is through sitting down and writing out carefully considered letters explaining what it is I enjoy about her, how I feel around her, how I envision our future together, et cetera and then giving them to her. These letters mean a great deal to her, and she understands I can best express my innermost feelings in this manner rather than trying to sit down and discuss them with her.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Illegal, no honestly no sarcasm
I think she probably does want to know (want's to be told?) that she is important to you. I really don't know if you're right about the "L word" but knowing she's important to you I'd say might matter/make a difference to her if she's feeling insecure/wanting to know.
And if you haven't been directly letting her know then maybe there's some insecurities/uncertainties (?) there. IMO I could "get that".
But about letting her know she's important............I was thinking more about what she does for you as opposed to what you want/want to do for her. You know why do you want those things for her, why do you want to do those things for her............
I'm sorry I'm probably being confusing now, am I???
But for instance..............is she someone who makes you into a better you?? Is she someone who is special to you, who makes your world better or "brighter"?? Is she someone you feel you can be the "most yourself with"?? Is she someone you feel you are closer to than anyone else (right now)??.............you know that kind, or something like that kind of thing
And without her...........(and use your discretion on whether you want to do this bit!!!) could you say that if you didn't have her your life would be "emptier"/"so much duller"??
Anyway those are just some suggestions/queries..........if you put things into your own words/how you feel, clearly you already have something that matters with/for her so if you can build on that???

Alison

[Frankbtl]

P.S. Illegal, I might have implied this anyway but.............perhaps put in some of the qualities you like about her e.g. is she caring? is she considerate of you, and others? does she understand you? that sort of thing............

Alison

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

P.S. Illegal, I might have implied this anyway but.............perhaps put in some of the qualities you like about her e.g. is she caring? is she considerate of you, and others? does she understand you? that sort of thing............

Alison

If you add the qualities about her, that you find pleasing, that may be enough, considering if the L word isn't where you stand, or you are still resolving what it means to you.

I tried some verbal meaningful talk once but she said it sounded like I was talking about my cat rather than my partner.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Illegal, well real kudos to you for trying it!! But if you have difficulties expressing your feelings, weren't used to doing it, weren't feeling at ease......feeling uncomfortable.....there is a chance you "sounded like you were talking to your cat" or didn't come across like you thought you were.
But try not to let that put you off, it was a big step for you to do that in itself!!
Just let her know how hard it is for you, that you want to try...........and maybe the more you're trying/doing it the more "natural" it's going to be feeling/the easier it'll become to do.
And ask her for her support/help in that as well, because it may not have helped you to get that sort of feedback when you did try, do you think???

Alison