I am terrified at idea of a relationship. Pure and simple. My last relationship went sour and left more damage than I care to admit.

The problem is making other people understand this.

Apparently a man came into work today and started quizzing one of my co-workers on my relationship status. He is apparently quite interested in me but is shy and so approached my co-worker who said she would find out if I were interested.

I physically gagged when being told this. This horrible weight has settled at the bottom of my stomach because I know what they're gonna say.

I know they're gonna want to set me up with this guy. They've been talking about how I need a boyfriend for some time now.

They can't/refuse to understand how I feel and keep giving me the get over it, get back on the horse spiel or the what's the worst that can happen talk.

I can't do it.

I need to do a lot of work on myself before I can ever consider a relationship. I know I could never give anyone what they deserve.

How do I make people understand I can't do it? Understand the absolute terror I feel at even the idea of being intimate with someone?

I'm really worried that they will encourage him and I don't want to hurt him but I can't say yes.

[healingme4me]

I feel for you. It's perfectly acceptable to spend time, single, and focusing on yourself, your struggles before branching back out into the fray. It's too bad they seem to believe that it's ok to pressure others into relationships for the sake of relationships. Almost forces you to settle for less than what you want. They aren't respecting your space.

Wish I had a clearcut solution.



P.S. never mind he was confrontion avoidant and couldn't ask you himself. ..

P.P.S. he's looking for a rescue, red flag indicator of possible control pattern...gut (sinking feeling)..could mean dread

[~Christina]

Im sorry that your co workers feel they can have an opinion on your relationship or lack of relationship status.

If it were me I would be stern but polite and tell then you are not interested in being set up and would like them to stop being concerned about your personal business. End of discussion.

Take care of you

[waiting4]

^ Ditto. In fact, knowing your situation, and as I can clearly identify, I'll tell you what I said to my 'helpful' coworkers/friends:

"When I'm ready for a relationship, I'll let you know"
Them: "But how will you know you're ready if you don't try?"
"When I'm ready I'll let you know."
Them: "But--"
"When I'm ready I'll let you know."

and I kept repeating rather like a parrot until they got the point. I smiled at the first, then every time after, no smile--stone faced. Pretty effective. Especially, when you 'reward' them after they back off ...with the previously held back smile.

Not for nothing, did I learn the tricks of my ex bf. lol

[lilypup]

Yes, take the time to work on yourself. I wish more people had the attitude of "getting healthy" before jumping into a relationship.

Thank you.

I was beginning to think maybe they were right. That I should just suck it up and get it over with.

I tried explaining once again that I was not ready. Their reaction is to start telling me that I should essentially use the poor guy for sex.

It's hard. For the most part these are really nice people but for some reason they just find it necessary to 'fix' my relationship status.

I don't know how to get it through to them.

I can't enter into a relationship knowing I can't give the other person what they need.

I do not want to sleep around. Been there. Done that. I'm not interested in sex right now anyway- I have some serious body issues as well.

Part of me wants to find the nastiest articles on BPD I can find and then ask them if they really want to inflict that on someone.

Mostly I just hope that despite all their nagging they will not encourage him and save me having to hurt him.

I know it won't really be my fault if he gets hurt but I'm still going to feel horrible for it.

[badjuju89]

I was in your same exact situation for the longest. My friends and coworkers didnt get why I wouldnt just get out there and just date again. Some saying if nothing else its a free dinner. But for me it just still puts this huge pit in my stomach I had been hurt too bad. I still dont date but thats because in my search to getting better ive learned my diagnosis was completely different from what id thought in the beginning so it is just taking longer than expected. But it is just better to for all and any parties involved that you be okay with it whenever you are ready. And one thing ive learned people arent hurt so badly when you are just truthful with them. In my process in becoming well ive just had to be more blunt with my friends family and even others (such as men who make advances). Its your life your body your choice and it is to be respected as it should be. No explanation should be needed other than that. Its what you deserve as a person. Nothing less.