I just don't understand him!

I'm in a relationship that is confusing for me or I just don't understand. I just need clarification on how to deal with this. My boyfriend and I have known each other since we were about 7 yrs old. We grew up together on the same block only about 4 houses from each other.Throughout the years we hung out alot(no sex, but I was in love with him). He started making really good money & girls wanted him. They started using him for his money. Time passed on and I went off to college, got married, had 3 children. He stayed back home and had 4 children with his girlfriend(children grown now). Things didn't work out for him or myself in these relationships. I was in an extremely abusive marriage and had to move away from my ex husband to keep my life. I decided to move back to my home town.

He immediately wanted to date. I was very skeptical as I had only been out of a bad marriage for a little over 2 yrs. But because I never stop loving him, I said yes. Things moved pretty quickly. After a few months, I was living with him after he begged me and promised that he wouldn't hurt me. A couple months went by and I started to see that he had damn near slept with all these women in our town. I started hearing rumors about him still in his old ways. When I would try to talk to him about it, he assured me these were lies. I felt very uncomfortable, so I checked his Facebook acct and cell and saw him on there messaging a woman we both knew but lived in another state for her phone number and pics. I confronted him. He was upset because I went thru his phone & tablet which he keeps locked. I have run into 2 other incidents but never anything showing where he has cheated. Just last night, I found out that he has been talking about me behind my back to his daughter (grown & lives with us) and his friends. I am so broken by the things that he has said about me.

He knew my situation before and during us being together. I am on disability because I have had mental breakdowns but I'm moving forward now. I tried to work but the job was so stressful that I couldn't do it. He has told me that he was OK with this. I do cook, clean and I don't ask for much at all. I receive a decent amount of ssd because I had a wonderful job that paid quite a bit over the years. Now to find out that he is telling people that he's tired of me being at home all the time and not working when he's telling me the total opposite of what he's saying to them. I know I'm just rambling but I'm trying to get it all in so that it can truly be understood. Because of all of this, i am feeling very insecure about this relationship now. Please help?

I may sound like Captain Obvious over here, but have you actually tried addressing his 2 contrasting opinions of you with him directly?

That's the first thing I would do...
Ask why he says one thing to my face and the opposite behind my back.

Communication is key...

We can only speculate alongside you, we can't say why he's being 2 faced, only he can answer that.

Maybe he was fine with the the setup initially, and is too much of a coward to tell you that's no longer the case so he vents to friends or his daughter. Maybe he has no backbone and is just agreeing with their views of you to be accepted. Maybe he's just an insincere 2 faced prick...

The list of maybes go on and on.

I suggest you speak to him, and yes, snooping is never a good thing, but maybe if you can reconcile what he says to you with what he says about you, then you'll stop looking for truths in his private communication with others.

I'm sorry you're in this predicament, I would be confused and hurt too.

Evidently, confronting him, about your fears, concerns, and anything remotely 'weak' in appearance, takes a sharp blow to his ego and now because you aren't high up on his pedestal, you are worthy of him talking negatively of, since for him, you are bruising his ego and self image of perfect or want to be perfect, when you bring up anything. Then, bam, uses your words against you, contradicts himself, and clearly he needs to stop talk about you with others, and start talking about you, with you or a trained therapist. (who of which would then try to divert and bring the focus back onto self--if he'd stay long enough, His types never stay long enough and by never I mean never not some black or white irrational, emotional moment).

Your insecurity mirrors his mind, hun, is how I see it. He doesn't sound like the type that would have stopped and considered for himself what makes him tick and tock?

Are you able to get through conversations with him, without getting a 'mind spin'? (that's when you bring up one thing, and then fifteen items later and he's still rambling, you, yourself, forgot what was the point?) Are you able to positively assert yourself, without shedding tears? What are your options, for where you'll live? All options?((well, not spelled out here, but to yourself))

Survivors tend to fluctuate between two types of individuals in their lives. Are you versed in all things DV related? And what was to be expected in the aftermath of removing yourself from abuse? into safety??

Sorry that things are that bad.
After doing a lot of self esteem and self respect work in therapy, I just could NOT stay with such person so all I can say it that I would be out of there in a HEARTBEAT!
good luck,
jim

Luvmetru29, I suppose you already had made a list of proven positive and negative aspects about your relationship with him, I think you are now ready to weigh these matters. If you find more negative than positive, I think it's time to pack and hit the road. Confrontation or further discussion might confuse you. Hence, just tell him that the relationship doesn't seem to have a good future that dealing with each other is just a waste of time, energy and sanity. Hope you will have peace of mind soon, may God bless and abide you.