[jndelgado09]

I posted about a week ago about the relationship I was in with my ex for 9 years. How he cheated, lied, and physically hurt me. And how I had finally left him. And this time I feel strong to stay away and not get sucked back in with his BS.

But after I left him about two months ago I started talking to this guy, Eric. And Eric was sweet and nice. And then we met up to go out for the first time. And we talked and hung out and while it wasn't really suppose to be a date it ended up that way when he reached over for my hand during the movie. And we had sooooo much in common. He's the type of guy I would have always imagined myself with and I started to really like him. After the past year(thats how long me and my ex were back together after out last separation) I desperately wanted to feel wanted. With my ex I was constantly begging him to tell me why he didn't act like he wanted to be with me, why he wouldn't sleep with me anymore and so on. Of course he just said I was crazy and starting drama. Well now here was a guy who liked me. Who leaned down and kissed me in the park...and then we went back to his place. And we just hung out and goofed out and then it led to more. And I'm ashamed to admit it but I slept with him. But honestly, it was amazing. There was passion, something my ex never showed for me. He was kind, he was sweet. And then I didn't hear from him for 3 days so I text him. And we talk and agree to continue as friends. Then I don't hear from him for over a week so I text him calling him and telling that it was real asshole move. Never heard from him again. Fast forward a month and I look him up on facebook. He just got engaged this past weekend! This guy who I really thought liked me used me to cheat on his gf and now hes engaged. This guy who I thought was perfect didn't want anything to do with me except to screw me.

And I feel like I've just had my heart ripped out. Leave a man who hurt for 9 years just to go to a guy who did the same thing. If not worse, cause at least my ex was with me. Not to mention this is the second guy I've ever been intimate with, the only guy I've ever gone out with besides my ex.

I feel really hurt.

But I'm also incredibly angry. at everyone. At eric, I wish I could send him a message and just tell him off. I wish I could yell at everyone and tell to just let me be. No one, especially my family, knows whats been happening these past 9 years. No one knows I've finally gotten the strength to leave my ex. No one knows I just got my heart ripped out again. Everyone expects me to be happy and cheery and on my feet. I'm expected to smile and laugh and go like nothing. And I just really want to scream.

[atomicc]

Welcome to PC I am sorry to hear about your current issue, but you are so very brave for leaving your ex. It is hard to see the ones who are going to hurt you, they can act so sweet you'll never know. Perhaps it might be a good idea to open up to someone about what you are going through, if you can't speak to your family maybe a therapist might be the next step.

[jimmy rich]

Dear jndelgado09:
I am sorry about your situation.
I can only share with you what I learned in therapy at CODA, ACOA & Incest Survivors. I learned that folks who were abused or hurt in early childhood will often gravitate to or will attract other, similar ABUSERS as the Victim goes through life for a variety of (theoretical) reasons starting with, the Victim unconsciously looks for similar characteristics in the next Abuser that they meet along the way OR Abusers unconsciously are drawn to victims of early abuse sensing the ideal vulnerabilities in the Victim that attracts Abusers. It was described as a "Meta Message" that both the Victim and the Abuser silently sends out and is picked up by the other character in the Abuser/Victim drama or complex.
When I first learned of this, I was shocked and wondered how the heck I could stop attracting Abusers if I am silently calling out to them. Then, I began to learn how to STOP sending out these unconscious calls by working on my self esteem and other empowering techniques in therapy and began to notice right away that I was gaining some power and confidence and the Abusers soon STOPPED showing up! I attended Codependency and Adult Children of Alcoholics 12 step groups.
good luck finding some peace,
jim

[unaluna]

My previous t has 4 grown daughters, so i guess he had this talk with all of them: he told me that men are ALWAYS going to try on a first date, just to see if they can get it. I yelled at him, i said that was a horrible trick - and he just said, well thats the way it is. I said, then how do we know what they really want? And his answer was, "what do YOU really want?"

Its like we are playing the super bowl and theyre still in little league, for the importance we each attribute to it.

[ChipperMonkey]

I hate to say it, but always make them chase. Men are built for the chase, and if they are truly into you, they'll realize that you're worth it and they'll wait for you. Err, as in wait for a woman who wants to take her time and not jump into something sexual right away. If a guy isn't into you, he won't chase for very long as he'll see other women out there who will give it up easily and then he'll be gone. No sweat, because there ARE decent men out there who will go at your pace and treat you right!

[nicoleflynn]

I totally disagree that we attract abusers.....1 in 3 women will be physically assaulted i their lifetime. It is just that there are so many abusers; it is easy to run into one. Don't blame yourself!

[brainhi]

OUCH! I know this hurts a lot! When we are not feeling the best about ourselves...it's very enticing to fall for someone else that is making us feel wonderful. You need time to feel good about yourself again. Remember - when you first start dating someone -everything feels good - may not be reality. Try to use caution and enjoy the moment if you can or wait until you are feeling better about yourself!

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

I totally disagree that we attract abusers.....1 in 3 women will be physically assaulted i their lifetime. It is just that there are so many abusers; it is easy to run into one. Don't blame yourself!

I agree! Don't blame yourself for your ex's actions. He's a rotten apple and that has nothing to do with you.

Firstly I was self-confident and self-assured when I met my abuser, didn't at all fit the profile described above. My main problem was / is, that I'm a shytti judge of character. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt until I find a dagger in my back or in that case a fist in my face. My current bf is nothing like my ex, they have no common traits except being male.

Secondly, the poster is writing about a user in this thread, not her ex who is an abuser.
So she in actual fact didn't attract the same man twice either... although yes, the 2 aren't mutually exclusive an abuser can be a user too, but not to his victim. The victim is always kept around for as long as possible, not used and discarded instantly...

There are many users out there, sadly the only protection against them really is making them wait. The users will move on fast and the men who are worth your while will stick around and be happy to get to know you before they get to know your anatomy.

I'm sorry this happened to you, and agree that you may want to consider a therapist.

Unfortunately this is a very common thing in today's society the world over, we live and learn I guess.

[lilypup]

So sorry this happened to you. Don't beat yourself up about it. This sort of thing has happened to most of us. Hope you feel better soon.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by jndelgado09

I posted about a week ago about the relationship I was in with my ex for 9 years. How he cheated, lied, and physically hurt me. And how I had finally left him. And this time I feel strong to stay away and not get sucked back in with his BS.

But after I left him about two months ago I started talking to this guy,

He's the type of guy I would have always imagined myself with and I started to really like him.

After the past year I desperately wanted to feel wanted.

There was passion, something my ex never showed for me. He was kind, he was sweet.

This guy who I thought was perfect

I feel really hurt.
.

Have you ever utilized the counseling sources for battered women and or utilized their support groups? Sounds like your first boyfriend left you feeling starved emotionally and physically, as well as mentally. I liken the starvation to world hunger, in a way. Replenishing nutrients cannot happen quickly, needs to be done gradually. Or if there were toxins in your diet, need to take time to cleanse, before getting back to healthy living.
A woman fresh out of a violent relationship, is at her most vulnerable.
The better way, to avoid such a cyclical pattern, is to take time to sort through things.