[Big Mama]

I am in a bit of a predicament. My H and I have not gotten along for quite some time. Things go well some days and terrible other days. Some days I think I have got to get away from this. Then we will have a few good days and I think "ya know this is not so bad." This seems to be an endless cycle. It is driving me crazy, literally.

My H and I have been in T for 2 years and things have improved greatly, but things are starting to backslide. There are several things that concern me. I haven't worked in 17 years, I/we have 3 kids, and it has always been our agreement that I would stay at home until our last child no longer was so dependent on me.

The other thing that concern me are superficial. They are just hard to walk away from. We have been married for 20 years, my H is a deacon in the church, our house is paid for, and we finally have the land like we have always dreamed. We stick built our new house 4 years ago. Our house and land are paid for. We have the perfect set up for the future, but there may be no future.

Things just have not been good for a real long time and I am nt so sure I can stay. When things are good I can stay, but when things are like this I just can't stay. I don't know how I am gonna tell my H, I don't know how I will tell the kids, the church, my family. Man this is gonna be difficult. I don't know for sure I am doing the right thing. But I am pretty sure I am doing thr right thing. I struggle every day. He tries to convince me I am the problem, I am difficult to live with, that he gives me the world. I am the bad one. But that is so not true. And of course you have no reason to believe my opinion and how I see things. We all see our own side of the story. He has been so abusive in the past, verbally and emotionally. He belittles me, he power trips me, the kids dread when he comes home, and are happy when he leaves. I do know I am doing the right thing. It is just so hard to believe.

My T is helping me find some decent lawyers. I plan on visiting a few in the coming weeks to find out which ones seem to meet my needs the best. In the mean time, I am just going to be hanging in here silently hoping I do not feel the need to escape before I get to talk t lawyers.

I don't feel like I have the stregnth to live in the same house with him if things take a turn for the worse. I don't think I can stand up for my self against him. All I can do at the moment is hang tight and go off by my self and like an injured dog lick my own wounds.

I don't know what to call this thread. I am seeking no help from you guys I suppose. I guess I mostly need support. Support form folks I have come to know in the past year or so. Thank you for listening and taking the time to read this.

By the way I do accept prayers from others. All I can pray for for myself is that the Lords will be done and that God will grant me the ability to accept his will.

[~Christina]

Stay safe and just make plans to get out of the situation as soon as possible.

[glok]

Hello, Big Mama. Ask your therapist about a safety plan.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Path to Safety

I wish your well.

[Trippin2.0]

I may not have been an active participant in your husband threads, but I have followed them all dilligently BM.

You ARE doing the right thing, and as we know, the right thing is not always the easy thing, infact during times of adversity, its usually thee most difficult thing.

Case in point; The Crucifxion. I'm sure that wasn't easy for Jesus to do.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know I support your decision 100% and will be keeping you in my prayers.

[Big Mama]

Trippin, very true. Thanks so much. That is a good way to look at that.

[Fuzzybear]

[avlady]

You are in my prayers too.

[adam_k]

My advice is you have to do what is best for you. Only then can you be there for your kids. Staying in a marriage that is belittling your self esteem and having someone walk over your self worth isn't a way to live. That does your children no good either to see their mom constantly belittled. Things can be fixed but it takes great effort from both people. You can't fox him as he can't fix you. You both have to work thru you personal issues and then you can work on how to work together.

You have to stand up for youself. And I know that is the hardest thing in the world for some people. If you can't stand up for yourself because of abuse then I would get away and fond safety. Shelter or family/friends. Anyone who can make it safe for you.

If you do leave then you also have to work out what happens with the kids. Who keeps custody, child support. You will most liekly have to work. I doubt he will give you enough even if you get custody and child support to live off of.

Have you tried finding a job now? Putting money away would be adventageous. Does he stop you from working? Possible a work at home job could be good for you.

In a proper relationship people have freedom to do what they need to so they can be happy. I'm.not saying everyone can go party while the spouse takes care of the bills, but you should be able to do things that you find fulfilling and make you happy. A spouse should encourage that within reason. If he is frying to control you and stripping away your freedom and happiness and then it isn't really worth it is it? Your not his servent and he doesn't own you. You have the same rights , feelings and needs as he does. I hope you can remind yourself of that.

My biggest advice is to keep yourself safe. Personal security should be your main concern. The next to to find balance and personal piece. Its so easy to love in our head and have put owj demons tell us we deserve nothing and aren't even people. Find a way to deal with your trauma. Take care of your kids needs once your are met. Make sure they are fed, clothes and have the love every child needs to be happy. Then your marriage should be after that. If those other things are out of whack, having a sucessful marriage is difficult.

Take care of yourself big mama. You are a deserving woman who deserves to feel safe and find happiness. It is out there. Fight for it and don't let people take it away for their own benifiet.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Man, I feel for you. You're definitely doing the right thing, from what I can read! If even your kids dread him coming home, then you know something is clearly wrong. Best of luck and please stay strong! Remember, we're here if you need to get some things off your chest.