[DeepThoughts]

Hello. Im going to keep this as short as possible.
I've been dating my girlfriend for almost a year now and things have been going great as far as our relationship goes. I found somebody who thinks the way I do, who believes in maintaining open communication like I do, we are on the same page as far as a serious relationship goes. I love her. I'm 21 n she's 24.

The problem comes in with her child. Don't get me wrong I don't have an issue with children. I like kids but it doesn't go any further than a forced like for kids. I want to have kids of my own someday but at this point in my life, at my age, I would never subject an innocent child to the circus that is my day to day life. Between college full time, working a full time job, homework ect there is no room for the full responsibility of another small human. Not to mention I don't even have my own place yet, nor does she have her own place. I've never lived with anyone outside of family, I wanna have my own spot before I bring in a partner and a child.

When we first started dating I made it very clear my stance on kids. She made it clear that she was taking care of her child just fine on her own and was in no hurry or need to co-parent. We were both on the same page, great! Fast forward into the future, I've seen her kid a couple times, spent a little time but nothing significant. I mostly come around when he's in bed or with his grandparents. Lately she's been dropping hints when we talk, usually about getting our 'own' place and living together and being a big happy family, which would be an exciting thought if she didn't have a child. I am fully aware of the tremendous responsibility of raising a child, not to mention the extra bull that comes with being a step parent. She was a teen parent and has stated that she doesn't regret her kid, she just regrets having a child so soon. Which I commend her for, she made a mistake and used that mistake as a way to mature herself and better herself. She wouldn't be the strong beautiful woman I love today if it wasn't for her child. I just don't want to alter my future for her mistake. My mother was also a woman who had children before she was ready and we struggled a LOT. She instilled in me the knowledge of sex and the reality of having kids. I practiced safe sex in my teenage years and got excellent grades so that I could have this time in my life to party, stay out late,do what I want or sit in complete silence if I choose to do so. You can't do that when taking care of a child.

I feel like she's subtly trying to accelerate an aspect of my life I wanna put brakes on. I don't know how to approach her about this without hurting her feelings. I'd never tell her her child is the reason, because its not fully. Its the whole structured family life with the shared responsibilities I'm not ready for. I'm young and learning, I just don't wanna put too much on myself before I'm ready.

[Puglife]

Unfortunately, it sounds like you two have met at the wrong time in your life. First off please don't refer to her child as a mistake. I'm sure she would say it was a surprise but not a mistake. You need to be honest with her. It sounds like you love her but you feel you are too young to take on the responsibility of parenthood or step-parenthood. Which is totally fine and valid. However, if she is planning a future with you and you aren't on the same right now you need to let her know. It may hurt her feelings at first, but in the long run it's what is fair for all three of you.

I am almost twice your age with young children and it is hard and a big responsibility. I would not have made a good parent or step-parent at your age and I'm happy I didn't take that on until my thirties.

Good luck!

[Little Lulu]

Taking care of yourself, being true to yourself, and being honest are never selfish. Those traits are what constitute a good life and ultimately relationships.

How could taking responsibility for where you are in your life and re-communicating this to your girlfriend 'hurt her feelings'? It has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you and where you are in your life. She may be disappointed but that is not your 'stuff'.

You sound like someone who knows where they are in life. Be fully there and be honest about it and only good will come.

[~Christina]

I think your concerns are valid. You do need to have this conversation with her sooner rather than later.. Shes a package deal and your not ready to step into that roll and accept the child at this point in your life. Be honest and let her move on with her life and you can live yours.

Good luck

[ChipperMonkey]

I'd say that you should move on and let her move on as well. Hindsight is always 20/20, right? Of course you two were on the same page a year ago, but I think that if someone is going to date another who has kids, they've gotta be looking into the future because that kid will be a part of the equation at some point. I'm in my 30's and don't prefer to date a guy with kids (yet here I am again...) I know the mistakes I made with the last guy I dated who had kids, and I won't make those mistakes again (ie putting up with being told that I won't be important because the child always takes priority. Eh, no....)

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by DeepThoughts

I like kids but it doesn't go any further than a forced like for kids. When we first started dating I made it very clear my stance on kids.

I don't give advise or lecturers but, if this was my situation, I'd consider the needs and future of the child involved and then let that guide my behavior and decisions. IMO, the well being of any child is way more important than my personal desires so, if I were you, I'd bow out NOW and let that child and his mom move on to greener pastures where they might meet a man who really WANTS both of them just as they are.

I don't know how to approach her about this without hurting her feelings.

I'd just tell her the TRUTH and then let her and her child go ! For me, that would be the honorable thing to do FOR THAT CHILD!
Good luck,
jim

[A Red Panda]

Be honest with her.

You can't have a real relationship with her while trying to exclude her child. They are a combination, and it isn't fair to her or her child to have to try and have a separate life for your convenience. It's been a year and you still barely even spend time hanging out with the child? You should have some sort of connection and relationship with the child now.

It's totally understandable that you're not ready to take on the role of a parent. But you really shouldn't keep stringing her along, because you can't have her be two people at once. She deserves the chance to find happiness without having someone who resents her child.

[brainhi]

I loved my stepmothers very much.....but also there was tremendous pain when the marriages did not work for my father (my father had custody). You are being smart and keeping your distance in this child's life. You are being honest. If she can handle the relationship that way it has been going fine...if not she should let go and you too.

[lilypup]

Be honest right now with her. She's wasting her time with you. She's probably exhausted and would love to meet a man, perhaps with a child of his own, to see.
If you KNOW there are certain things you won't go for, I would suggest not getting together in the first place. Why risk broken hearts? There's enough of that in this world.

[Trippin2.0]

Firstly, I don't think you're selfish, not at all.

Secondly, I'm a single mother, and I would not want any man building a relationship with my daughter until marriage was on the table.

I have a steady bf, but since our future together is so uncertain at the moment due to career unknowns (he may need to relocate and move abroad) we have not encouraged a relationship between himself and my daughter. She knows he exists, they spend some time talking and whatnot, and even though there's a fondness on both sides, they don't spend any one on one time together.
We don't do "family" type activities together and neither of these things will happen until further notice.

I keep them as seperate as possible as I don't want her having to go through losing another father figure at such a young age.

My point? I think you've been smart about it so far. I know its not how things are commonly done in this world full of us single mothers, but I think its the safer way to proceed when a young child is involved.

I can only imagine what it must be like for those kids who's mom encourages them to get used to the man she dates, forming a bond with these guys and then having to adjust to them leaving as well.
Rinse and repeat.

I couldn't do that to my daughter.

I also think its very good that you're so self-aware, at such a young age. To know you're not ready to settle down into family life at this point. Many a folk jump in head first, drunk on love and go "wtf did I get myself into" down the road when they realize they're missing out on things they would've otherwise chosen to experience in life.

So my suggestion?

Talk to your GF, ask her what her goals are with regards to your relationship timeline.
If for instance she says "I want to be married in the next year and have another baby by the time I'm x years old..." then you in turn communicate your timeline.

If neither of you can agree on a compromised timeline that suites both of you, then its time to move on.

Because eventually either she will feel like you're dragging your feet and become resentful toward you, or you will feel forced into rushing along and resent her and her child.

Communication, it saves relationships, or on the other hand saves people from prolonging future agony.

[brainhi]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Firstly, I don't think you're selfish, not at all.

Secondly, I'm a single mother, and I would not want any man building a relationship with my daughter until marriage was on the table.

I have a steady bf, but since our future together is so uncertain at the moment due to career unknowns (he may need to relocate and move abroad) we have not encouraged a relationship between himself and my daughter. She knows he exists, they spend some time talking and whatnot, and even though there's a fondness on both sides, they don't spend any one on one time together.
We don't do "family" type activities together and neither of these things will happen until further notice.

I keep them as seperate as possible as I don't want her having to go through losing another father figure at such a young age.

My point? I think you've been smart about it so far. I know its not how things are commonly done in this world full of us single mothers, but I think its the safer way to proceed when a young child is involved.

I can only imagine what it must be like for those kids who's mom encourages them to get used to the man she dates, forming a bond with these guys and then having to adjust to them leaving as well.
Rinse and repeat.

I couldn't do that to my daughter.

I also think its very good that you're so self-aware, at such a young age. To know you're not ready to settle down into family life at this point. Many a folk jump in head first, drunk on love and go "wtf did I get myself into" down the road when they realize they're missing out on things they would've otherwise chosen to experience in life.

So my suggestion?

Talk to your GF, ask her what her goals are with regards to your relationship timeline.
If for instance she says "I want to be married in the next year and have another baby by the time I'm x years old..." then you in turn communicate your timeline.

If neither of you can agree on a compromised timeline that suites both of you, then its time to move on.

Because eventually either she will feel like you're dragging your feet and become resentful toward you, or you will feel forced into rushing along and resent her and her child.

Communication, it saves relationships, or on the other hand saves people from prolonging future agony.

[ifst5]

A little. Sounds like you're not crazy about the kid full stop - which is fine, they're not your kid, but she will always put her family first and rightly so. If you don't want to factor into that then you need to be honest. You're hurting her feelings more by withholding the truth. Focus on your own life and the direction you want to take - that takes courage but it's better for everyone in the end. We can't always have what we want but this situation is what it is, she has a kid, you're both not on the same page. You either push past it or part ways. But the kid will still be there regardless.