[Jenni855]

When you are friends with someone and they abuse that then sometimes you have to step away. I was friends with someone who constantly made promises they couldn't keep, only spoke to me when nobody betterr was around, often rude and never if ever considered my feelings. It doesn't make me a bad person or 'my issue' to walk away from that.
Sometimes no matter how much you care and how much it hurts, you have to back off for your own sanity.

[Alone & confused]

Yes and amen to that! I've had to do that many times!

[Agentfyre]

Yes! I wish more people could see this and draw strength from this message. Too many feel ashamed from setting personal boundaries, but all that does it place them in a prison.

Thank you!

[Jenni855]

You're welcome. I can't feel guilty anymore, it will drive me insane.

[MadMardigan1]

I have had to write off many friends and while I got along with a lot of people.. I have only a couple of TRUE friends even though we don't see each other a lot due to distance.. but ones I had to chase down to talk to for 5 minutes I let go of. Even ones that I thought were really good friends.. after almost a year of never hearing from them unless I called them or others not meeting when they said they would.. I had to just let go. Sucks but you have to do what's right for you and not try and please everyone else or be the glue that keeps your friendship together.

[Jenni855]

Yes, it can't be one person doing all the work and being the one who takes all the hurt just to stay friends.

[dedicated]

I hope they will realize what they lost.

[Jenni855]

I doubt it but thank you dedicated X

[aprillynn197]

Anyone who has abused a friendship knows what they lost just some dont care but others may be so overwhelmed with guilt it eats away at their heart

[Maria38Divine]

Thanks for this thread, Jenni.

If I were to be honest with myself, I'd realize I have no friends. There are a handful of persons I used to work with, who call me once in a while, and I appreciate that so much. I check on them too. But we're not close. We don't share the same interests and they are from a totally different generation. Those who I've been calling "friends" for the past umpteen years don't ever call to check how I'm doing. I'm usually the one calling. Many months will pass, even a year, and I don't hear from them. They make me feel "forgotten". Maybe I do need to cut them loose.

[Jenni855]

Originally Posted by aprillynn197

Anyone who has abused a friendship knows what they lost just some dont care but others may be so overwhelmed with guilt it eats away at their heart

Do you think they do? I would like to think so...

[aprillynn197]

I know they do. I'm one of those friends who has that guilt

Originally Posted by dedicated

I hope they will realize what they lost.

They never do, they only replace you with another sucker willing to take their BS .

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Amen! Had to do that a good number of times!!! Big thanks to your post - you speak the truuuuth.

[eskielover]

I was friends with someone who constantly made promises they couldn't keep, only spoke to me when nobody betterr was around, often rude and never if ever considered my feelings.

I was married to someone like that (he spoke to me when I forced a conversation & had to pry his nose out of the book he was reading or the TV he was watching).

Living around dysfunctional parents & a dysfunctional H.....I built up a huge amount of ANGER toward them & especially H. I didn't grow up in a family that had any social interfaces but I did have one close friend growing up & we were on the phone all the time every day......but after my marriage was over & basically not having any friends during that time, I wasn't used to calling & having conversations with my new friends & I felt like I was the new kid on the block & didn't want to put pressure on them when they didn't have time for me in what seemed like their busy life......so I would usually wait for them to call (trying to take care of a farm by myself & all the work involved was & is a bit overwhelming)......but my friend was wonderful & she commented one time that she felt like she was being abandoned when she didn't hear from me more often......wow, it was a learning experience for me.....that someone really cared enough to want to hear from me & that I wasn't a bother to them.

I was learning all sorts of new things about myself after all those years of living in dysfunctional relationships.....& I have come to find out (even though there is no official Dx) exactly why my H was the dysfunctional person that he seemed to be IMO.......& it hasn't change my feelings about not being willing to ever live with him because there is no way to trust him to take care of me in our old age it that were to become necessary as he wasn't capable of caring for the marriage especially financially when I had a serious time with depression & other things that hit me when I lost my career & realized how bad the marriage was & had been......but the understanding of the underlying reason has calmed down my anger. I never felt guilt about leaving because my anger level was so great that it was a matter of survival for me & a matter of needing a level of peace in my life that was totally gone.

It's not always easy with friendships to end up knowing the reason for someone's behavior (assuming it wasn't done intentionally like I thought that my H was doing).....but it definitely can help us with our own internal feelings about the situation & help release any guilt or anger that can build up the longer that the relationship is tolerated.

All relationships are complicated & none exist without some work....but if the work isn't successful & communication is impossible...then the best thing to do is to leave the friendship/relationship & move on & make it part of your past without guilt or anger.

[Jenni855]

Well that is the other thing, I was always the one putting in the effort here as well. I definitely think the behaviour is intentional in that it is expressing the fact she doesn't obviously care because you don't treat people in the ways described if you do care. I have tried talking to her and she brushes it off.
I have been a doormat and too weak, should have walked away a long time ago.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Originally Posted by Jenni855

Well that is the other thing, I was always the one putting in the effort here as well. I definitely think the behaviour is intentional in that it is expressing the fact she doesn't obviously care because you don't treat people in the ways described if you do care. I have tried talking to her and she brushes it off.
I have been a doormat and too weak, should have walked away a long time ago.

I recently got back in touch with a "friend" that never really made an effort; I thought things would've changed, but he's still the same. I'm the only one that contacts him. I moved twice and he never bothered to check out where I lived. He doesn't care about me, ... he cares about his online game and his bum-chum who seems to have abandoned him as well. It's depressing... I feel bad for him... I genuinely thought of him as a brother at one time. I knew him since I was 16 or something.. maybe younger. I just try to remember not to expect anything from him, now... the most he is, now, is a gaming buddy.

I also had a friend who was an alcoholic, and quite badly at that; he would use and abuse me a lot, broke my stuff, tried getting money from me several times, tried selling me junk, did unspeakable things to the place I lived, got me into all sorts of crap... ergh... not the greatest influence; I haven't seen him in years, thankfully. I know he had problems, but there was just no excuse for most of the crap he did; I'm messed up, as well, but for God's sake, I like to think I actually respect my friends.

I think I developed much more of a backbone, over the years. I might seem mean, sometimes, ... but I think in life you sometimes have to be mean.

[Jenni855]

Originally Posted by Zwangsstörung

I recently got back in touch with a "friend" that never really made an effort; I thought things would've changed, but he's still the same. I'm the only one that contacts him. I moved twice and he never bothered to check out where I lived. He doesn't care about me, ... he cares about his online game and his bum-chum who seems to have abandoned him as well. It's depressing... I feel bad for him... I genuinely thought of him as a brother at one time. I knew him since I was 16 or something.. maybe younger. I just try to remember not to expect anything from him, now... the most he is, now, is a gaming buddy.

I also had a friend who was an alcoholic, and quite badly at that; he would use and abuse me a lot, broke my stuff, tried getting money from me several times, tried selling me junk, did unspeakable things to the place I lived, got me into all sorts of crap... ergh... not the greatest influence; I haven't seen him in years, thankfully. I know he had problems, but there was just no excuse for most of the crap he did; I'm messed up, as well, but for God's sake, I like to think I actually respect my friends.

I think I developed much more of a backbone, over the years. I might seem mean, sometimes, ... but I think in life you sometimes have to be mean.

All sounds familiar. I am sorry
However much you love and care for someone, allowing them to screw you over and hurt you time and time again is just not an option. It hurts like hell but I have had to do it several times. If only one person cares about the friendship and puts effort in, it can never work

[Ripose]

I have the same problems with my family as well as friends. I know I have mental issues but to be ostracised by over 30 people definitely took it's toll on me. Then one day I realized that if none of those people could accept me for who I am than I did not want them in my life. I do just fine on my own (with just my wife). Not one of all those people have ever made a single attempt to contact me in 10 years. I phoned all of them 2 years ago at Christmas, none of them really wanted to talk.

I think the main "weird" thing about me is my sense of humour, hardly something I would consider abandoning someone over. The end result of this is that now I am hermit, only going out for doctors appointments.

I hope my Internet never gets cut off, as boards like PC are my only contact with others and I need at least that much.

[Jenni855]

Yes, I have had to do the same with family as well. I am sorry x