[TerrifiedMother]

I've been married for 19 years. The first couple years were fine, but we were young and coping with our problems with drugs and alcohol. We both came from extremely abusive homes. After 3 years I was tired of the addictions and forced us to get sober. I quickly became pregnant and had my daughter. Our relationship started falling apart about that time. I was focused on giving my daughter the parents I never had, and I found healing in caring for her. My husband seemed to...not care much about anything.

My husband and I fell into a demand/withdraw pattern for many years. About 6 years ago I realized I hated, and didn't even recognize the person I was becoming with him, and I changed. We were still in a demand/withdraw pattern, but my approach changed. I very much tried to not blame, or criticize him, I just begged him to tell me what was wrong with us. He would respond with, " you're over-reacting", and "things can't always be the way they were in the beginning".

This year, our whole world changed. Our daughter started having emotional problems, and began therapy. Then I found out about some major things my husband had withheld from me our entire relationship. I experienced a betrayal trauma. While working through the things I've learned, I noticed a new pattern in our relationship. A withdraw/withdraw pattern.

I no longer demand..and he never does. If I perceive him withdrawing, I do to.
He says he withdraws because certain mannerisms, facial expressions or behaviors of mine trigger him to run away, however he has difficulty articulating what they are, and is not able to talk to me when it happens. He describes the same things i feel around him, however I have explained to him in detail the behaviors that trigger me.

I have explained to him that I can no longer "demand" in the relationship. I can longer climb over his coping, and defensive mechanisms, and I can't be the only one responsible to start a dialog when I feel something is wrong. I can no longer wade through all the blame and resentment, that I must face every time I try to connect. He has no problem ignoring the problem and living with this lack of intimacy. I have explained all this to him, more than once, and making myself bring it up has been torture.

I am afraid this may be the end of our relationship. He will really have dig deep to find the root of it all, and face the demons from his childhood, and even if he does, it will take a long time for him to be whole. I'm not sure if our non-communicative friends with benefits relationship will last that long.

I know we need counseling, but we can't afford it. I have spent hours and hours researching and i still do, but he doesn't. He once in awhile spends a few minutes looking for online help, or sliding scale therapists, but doesn't follow through. He doesn't believe in support groups, and 12 step programs don't really help agnostic types.

I am very thankful there is a community I can share my story with, and hopefully find support through this difficult time. Thank you to everyone that read this very long post.

[hvert]

Good luck. It sounds like it has been a long, hard road so far. I hope you can find some free or cheap counseling in your area. Sometimes universities have students who need practice hours, not sure if you have anything like that in your area?

[TerrifiedMother]

Thank you for the support, it's good to know people care.

[lilypup]

You are a generous person to offer "benefits" to this guy. Are your daughter's problems due to this marriage thing? You have to look at your own life...do you really want to live like this? Do you want your daughter to think this is marriage? My heart goes out to you.

[TerrifiedMother]

Originally Posted by lilypup

You are a generous person to offer "benefits" to this guy. Are your daughter's problems due to this marriage thing? You have to look at your own life...do you really want to live like this? Do you want your daughter to think this is marriage? My heart goes out to you.

I guess I am generous. My daughter's problems are not due to this, although I am sure they are affecting her. Our home is not a war zone, but mellow, and my husband and i are friendly, but no I don't want her to think it's "normal". I am trying to decide if it's time to give up. Thank you for your heart

[~Christina]

I think you would benefit seeing a Therapist to help you process the marriage and whether you want to stay in such a situation. Where does you Daughter receive her Therapy? Is there an option to go there ? If not there is county mental health services that offer sliding scale or even free sessions.

Its hard to make a decision whether to stay or go ... If he isnt willing to help improve your marriage then what you have is all your going to get . Dont you deserve more?. Life is too short to be unhappy or ignored

Take care

[healingme4me]

Sometimes even the benefit aspect grows empty, and can lead to feeling lack of respect for self.

If the betrayal was that damaging, and he's just unwilling to see he needs to put in effort, almost seems like what's the point.

The comments about a look you use makes him want to run the other way, seems cruel.

[PennsyR]

"He says he withdraws because certain mannerisms, facial expressions or behaviors of mine trigger him to run away, however he has difficulty articulating what they are, and is not able to talk to me when it happens. He describes the same things i feel around him, however I have explained to him in detail the behaviors that trigger me."

I can totally relate to this particular thing. My boyfriend doesn't withdraw, however. He gets angry. VERY angry. He says that my energy is off or something. I'll just be sitting on the bed playing a game on my phone while he's listening to music or playing his bass or playing on his tablet and then all of a sudden, he'll say "What do you WANT??!" My response is usually something along the lines of "nothing, sweetheart. I'm fine." That just ticks him off. He says it's BS. I've REALLY thought about it, long & hard, and 99% of the time, when he asks me that and/or thinks I "want" something, I TRULY don't. I don't know how to explain to him that I'm perfectly content just sitting there playing Fruit Frenzy or something. He says it makes him very anxious because he feels like I'm just sitting there quietly waiting for him to pay attention to me. I don't know if that's actually what I'm doing and it's just VERY deep in my subconscious but I've REALLY REALLY racked my brain and I can't seem to rationalize that thought. I wish you the best of luck with your situation. Please send me some good vibes, too. I'm just hoping to make it through one day where I don't anger him so much.