He won't marry me

My boyfriend of two years and I have a good relationship. Yes, we have our problems (which I've posted about before), but for the most part he's everything I've ever wanted. Yes, our sex life sucks, but I love him so much it's becoming easier to deal with.

The big problem is that he's told me he never intends to marry me. I've been married three times, and he's been married four. Our marriages were awful. He says the commitment without a certificate means more than a marriage certificate. I disagree vehemently! If someone loves you enough, they should be willing to marry you. He's not. He's 57, so he will probably not change. I'm 40 and want to marry again. Not just anyone--I want to marry HIM! No one else. But if he can't do that, and it's a deal breaker for me, at what point do I say it's time to go?

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I guess now. You know what you want and he isn't willing. You're old enough to get it. Good luck!

Now seems about just right. There's no use in prolonging the relationship, you're just postponing the invitable...

I agree with the other two posters.

just keep asking till he says yes

If marriage is a deal breaker for you then i wouldn't wait around - you're both adults and know your own minds. If he doesn't want to marry you that doesn't make him a bad person - he's been married four times, maybe now he's aware that he's just not suited to it? It would be unfair on you if he was going to commit to something he knew deep down wasn't right. I would accept his decision and move on if you decide that your love can't outlast this.

I'm in a similar boat! The only reason I've stayed as long as I have is because after 2 abusive husbands, I'm afraid I'll find a third if I have to find a new one! But if you have the ability to find a more fulfilling relationship (you're not a jerk magnate like me!) I'd say go for it.

I don't mean to invalidate your feelings, but the two of you have gotten married a total of seven times. That's seven times of "till death do us part" and broken vows. That's seven times of heartbreak (presumably) and disentangling your lives emotionally, financially, etc. That's a lot of turmoil!

Now the two of you are involved in a relationship that's pretty good. Why not just ride with it and enjoy it? Why not try something new and if it works?

If your dead set on a wedding band it would be best to move on , hopefully find someone else ? You both have had a lot of divorces? Have you looked back at yours and see what went wrong? has he done the same ?

Maybe couples therapy could help?

Good luck

K...little disturbed with the sex life sucks but you're learning to deal with it part but hey, it's your life so......

He never intends to marry you? hmmmm And by marry, is he talking about the whole legal ramifications marriage entails that he's balking at? Because if that is the issue....but he is willing to commit to you....you can have a ceremony that doesn't include an actual legal wedding.

(Lets try to forget for the moment, for his sense of legal leverage, that the longer you to are living together (I'm assuming you live together) you're lives are going to continue to be legally bound whether he likes it or approves or not. Time does that, and the courts are rather straight up on this front. Live together long enough and in some states you're common law...in others you've got the palimony issue etc.)

But do, let's not dwell on the negative.

Consider having a ceremony where you affirm your love for each other, your willingness to live and love each other excluding all others, etc....and exchange rings. This can be done by a friend, a family member..there is no necessity for it to be done by someone legally allowed to 'marry' you, so he shouldn't feel the pressure of that. Could be a good friend of both of you, you could ask to officiate.

If this is something agreeable to you, yet he still refuses to even do that much, in a non-legal, non legally binding ceremony....then yes, as the others said...time to move on. You're definitely young enough to do better.

That's not a bad idea. I don't care so much about the marriage certificate. It's about the commitment. And right now it just doesn't feel there.

But then there's the sex issue. It's nonexistent. Twice in one year is pretty bad, and I hate it. I feel ugly and unloved, and I don't know what to do.

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You don't feel emotional commitment from him and there is virtually no physical contact or commitment.

What is keeping you in the relationship?

Uh yeah, twice in one year is not too good. This from an elderly person.

This definitely does not sound like a relationship that should lead to marriage any time soon. You have no sex life, you feel unloved, and he does not want to emotionally commit to you. Given that you've been divorced 3 times already, maybe that says something about your level of understanding of what a healthy relationship is and what is required to make a relationship work? Maybe you should take some time to figure those things out before rushing into another marriage that seems doomed from the start.

Why do you want him, and only him, to marry you?

You feel ugly and unloved, and, want to marry this guy and only this guy.

Can you explain the logic? It seems twisted, to say the least.

I honestly never thought of it that way. This is the most stable relationship I've ever been in. We never fight and we spend our days together laughing. I feel ugly and unloved when he's not intimate or affectionate with me. Even though we talk about everything and anything, he pays more attention to the dogs.

I think counseling might be in order. I'll talk to my own therapist about it on Thursday.

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The time seems right for you to end this relationship. And if you don't mind me asking, have you sought counseling about your desire for a happy marriage? I wonder if getting in better touch with getting your needs met might not help you find the right man to marry?

Two years is plenty of time to decide whether there is potential in this relationship. And between the poor physical side and his expressed refusal to consider marriage, it's time to consider seeking the exit.

We are all who we are.
A relationship is what it is.
It's not love if we make conditions and ultimatums; it is hostage taking.

I don't agree with you. A condition of a healthy relationship should be physical intimacy, unless there is a medical reason not to have it. I never told my boyfriend we "had" to get married, just that I would like to marry him someday. He's the one who said absolutely not.

I have my beliefs and goals for the future. He does not share them with me. The appropriate thing to do at this point is to leave instead of prolonging things. After two years, it will be hard enough to leave him.

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Well, I did it. I broke up with him. It was horribly difficult. Oddly, he didn't seem to upset, while I was bawling. I guess it's for the best. He's been such an important part of my life for two years. I'm feeling a little lost right now.

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(((((gloamingone)))))

Sorry this is hard, but stay focused on you and what you want.

I think you did the right thing

Take time to grieve the loss of this relationship...

Find out what qualities you want in a partner and just date some men ... Take your time. Love yourself enough to find the right man not just any man.

Take care

I have bittersweet feelings for you! Sad for the loss of the life you were wanting to have with him, yet happy for the future that you deserve with the wonderful man that I hope you'll find! We're here to lend you support during this time of transition & new beginnings! Wishing you the best of luck on your new journey!