[JoeS21]

There's someone I interact with A LOT who's grieving a death. The problem is that every time we talk, that person keeps turning the conversation toward that death. She doesn't seem to know where to draw a line and without any warning says really rank, disturbing stuff*.

What can be done about this? How can I set a boundary?

*I tried asking her to give me a warning before saying shocking things, but unlike most other people I know, she doesn't seem to have ANY sense of what's shocking or disturbing and what isn't.

[Silent Void]

She needs to get it out of her system. Let her.

[jadzea]

I used to have friend who talked about things I didn't like to talk about too. Finally, one day I called her specifically to address this issue. I told her that I did not like talking about ______ (fill in the blank) and asked her to please stop bringing it up. I told her that I really wanted her to agree because if she did not I could not talk to her anymore. She stopped right away.

She also used to call me to complain about her bad day at work and how much she hated her bosses, etc. I got tired of having her ruin my evenings with her negativity. I told her that every time she told me the events of her day she was reliving them and making herself feel worse. I suggested we allow 10 minutes for her to vent and then change the subject and talk about more positive things. That one didn't work and eventually she ended the friendship because I no longer let her be so negative. At first I felt bad but shortly thereafter I realized that she was a toxic person and I was better off without her.

Good luck, whatever you do. It is not an easy situation but you need to do what you need to do for yourself first. If things are so bad that she has to do that much venting, she needs a therapist.

[Perna]

When she says something "rank", just look at her like it is rank and exclaim, "Please, I do not want to talk about that! I know it is important to you but I find it upsetting. I think you need to find a counselor or someone else to talk to about that."

I have a good friend with what I feel are disgusting medical issues that keeps updating me on them, I know how you feel :-(

[ChipperMonkey]

I don't agree that she needs to get it all out of her system so she should be allowed to dump it all on you! You are not a therapist. You are a friend, and as such, your job is to support her. Your job is not to sit there and listen to things you do not feel comfortable hearing. I agree with the other poster who said that you should call her and tell her that she cannot say such things in front of you anymore or else you cannot speak to her. She may balk, as you'll be throwing up a boundary, so be prepared for that, and do not back down. If she still needs someone to talk to, encourage her to seek counseling.

[JoeS21]

Originally Posted by jadzea

I used to have friend who talked about things I didn't like to talk about too. Finally, one day I called her specifically to address this issue. I told her that I did not like talking about ______ (fill in the blank) and asked her to please stop bringing it up. I told her that I really wanted her to agree because if she did not I could not talk to her anymore. She stopped right away.

She also used to call me to complain about her bad day at work and how much she hated her bosses, etc. I got tired of having her ruin my evenings with her negativity. I told her that every time she told me the events of her day she was reliving them and making herself feel worse. I suggested we allow 10 minutes for her to vent and then change the subject and talk about more positive things. That one didn't work and eventually she ended the friendship because I no longer let her be so negative. At first I felt bad but shortly thereafter I realized that she was a toxic person and I was better off without her.

Good luck, whatever you do. It is not an easy situation but you need to do what you need to do for yourself first. If things are so bad that she has to do that much venting, she needs a therapist.

Yep, this sounds familiar. I think I'm going to indirectly and tactfully suggest to the person in my post, that she see a therapist to address the negativity. I might say that I knew someone once who wanted to talk about a death, and that they found a therapist to be very helpful (hint hint hint). If she doesn't get that, I might be more direct, "I've been wondering if the same thing would work for you?... You don't have to be crazy to see a therapist. It's very common and helpful." Something like that.

[JoeS21]

Originally Posted by Perna

When she says something "rank", just look at her like it is rank and exclaim, "Please, I do not want to talk about that! I know it is important to you but I find it upsetting. I think you need to find a counselor or someone else to talk to about that."

I have a good friend with what I feel are disgusting medical issues that keeps updating me on them, I know how you feel :-(

Yep, she does that too sometimes. I can usually get her to stop with the nasty medical descriptions just by saying, "Yuck, that's gross. Can we change the topic?" Then if she suggests that I'm hypersensitive, I repeat what she said back to her and say I'm fairly certain that most people would find that gross.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Suggest therapy. She's very likely struggling, that being evident with her constantly bringing up these subjects. If the subject content is disturbing you and otherwise negatively affective you, then I don't think letting her talk about these things with you is fair at all, or even appropriate. I really think she needs professional support, even if just counseling.