[JoeS21]

This is an unpleasant passive aggressive person.

What I've tried:

1. Waiting this person out. The problem with this, is the person I'm thinking of will start lying (or implying untrue things about me) in such a way that gives others (who overhear or listen in) a BAD wrong impression if you don't interject.

2. Making my point concisely and loudly. The problem with that is she still will not acknowledge what I said. Instead, she will start acting as if I'm angry and saying things to imply that.

What else can I do?

Edit: It has occurred to me that maybe she's trying either get me to do something that she can complain about or to "crock something up" to complain about.

[StressedMess]

Elaborate please, are you instructing the co-worker, in a personal argument, or what exactly goes on when she over-talks and doesn't acknowledge what you say?

Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk

[JoeS21]

Originally Posted by StressedMess

Elaborate please, are you instructing the co-worker, in a personal argument, or what exactly goes on when she over-talks and doesn't acknowledge what you say?

Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk

We have very different jobs but are sometimes required to work near one another or deliver news to each other. My plan is to stay away from her as much as possible. I would still like to learn how to deal with this sort of behavior.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

I tend to laugh such things off and say, for example, 'Whoa there Sylvia I wonder if we are saying the same thing but differently?' or 'An interesting point you have made there Judy, but I would look at it from the other side' A jokey tone, amused but friendly smile and the use of a question or remark to take a step back and gently assert your independence and slow things down seems to work for me.

[StressedMess]

I work in a unit of 12 people. There are varying degrees of training and experience in our unit. When someone is doing something blatantly wrong, the more experienced begin shouting instructions from around the room. Bad idea, makes the one who is wrong feel stupid and calls attention to the mistake in a very vocal way.

A quiet word at someone's work station goes a lot further than loud criticism or group instruction.

I was wondering if this sort of thing happens with your coworker?

Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk

Just keep calmly replying:

Like I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted ... Then finish what it was you were trying to say.

Hopefully this person will eventually get the message, and if not, then perhaps some of your other co-workers will see what's going on and start standing up for you too!

[JoeS21]

Originally Posted by StressedMess

I work in a unit of 12 people. There are varying degrees of training and experience in our unit. When someone is doing something blatantly wrong, the more experienced begin shouting instructions from around the room. Bad idea, makes the one who is wrong feel stupid and calls attention to the mistake in a very vocal way.

A quiet word at someone's work station goes a lot further than loud criticism or group instruction.

I was wondering if this sort of thing happens with your coworker?

Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk

There might be something to this.

If there is, it would be a result of her reacting to expectations she had regarding what I might say (and being wrong). If so, maybe she wouldn't provide the same kind of nasty response, if I were to find a way to speak to her more privately. On the other hand, privacy might be the veil she needs to create a more convincing and devastating lie (say she were jealous of me or truly hostile for some reason, which she might be).

Unfortunately, I cannot simply speak quietly because I have a hearing loss and the area where we work usually has some background noise. I also have personal space issues and I don't like people (esp. the opposite sex) creeping up really close to me like some people do when they are whispering (unless were dating).

[JoeS21]

Originally Posted by Pfrog

Just keep calmly replying:

Like I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted ... Then finish what it was you were trying to say.

Hopefully this person will eventually get the message, and if not, then perhaps some of your other co-workers will see what's going on and start standing up for you too!

Thanks, but I tried that. She doesn't stop talking for a second and does not even hear things like that. It's a volume contest until you've won. Then she resorts to trying to paint you in a negative light by accusing you of needing to "calm down," suggesting that you are out of line. It's a dirty trick where your natural instinct is to speak louder and then become antagonized, proving her right.

If you don't have a volume contest, then she keeps talking and twists the story so that she's saying all sorts of offensive untrue things about you in front of everyone.

Best solution I can think of, other than staying away from her as much as possible, is to just say once (loudly), "You're not listening. I'm leaving." And leave.

[StressedMess]

Originally Posted by JoeS21

Best solution I can think of, other than staying away from her as much as possible, is to just say once (loudly), "You're not listening. I'm leaving." And leave.

It would be very hard for her to twist everything you say, and paint you in a bad light, if you refuse to engage.

People who thrive on chaos and crazy-making behavior are stymied when they can't get a response. If anger, shouting, and tension are her "rewards" for her behavior, the only way to punish her (AKA make it not beneficial to act that way) is to give her a blank-faced unruffled look in return.

She will escalate her behavior to get the response she's looking for. Give her no response at all, not good nor bad, just indifferent.

She will therefore leave you in peace, in search of another victim. And your coworkers will be witness to this behavior, and notice you are not engaging at all, just in case there are punitive actions from higher up.

Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk

[~Christina]

I dont know your working situation of course but is it maybe possible to email her the info ?

Maybe that's not possible in your situation but just thought Id toss that out there .

[JoeS21]

Originally Posted by StressedMess

It would be very hard for her to twist everything you say, and paint you in a bad light, if you refuse to engage.

People who thrive on chaos and crazy-making behavior are stymied when they can't get a response. If anger, shouting, and tension are her "rewards" for her behavior, the only way to punish her (AKA make it not beneficial to act that way) is to give her a blank-faced unruffled look in return.

She will escalate her behavior to get the response she's looking for. Give her no response at all, not good nor bad, just indifferent.

She will therefore leave you in peace, in search of another victim. And your coworkers will be witness to this behavior, and notice you are not engaging at all, just in case there are punitive actions from higher up.

Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk

She isn't like that. She's mean, fast, smart, and in control of her tone of voice. Her tone is usually deceivingly professional and calm sounding which makes her false words and lies easier for others to believe. She puts words in my mouth and makes things up out of nowhere, in addition to twisting things I do actually say. I'm trying to stay away from her as much as possible. I think she enjoys fighting and bringing other people down.

[JoeS21]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I dont know your working situation of course but is it maybe possible to email her the info ?

Maybe that's not possible in your situation but just thought Id toss that out there .

I wish that were possible. I'm not on email there.

[StressedMess]

Originally Posted by JoeS21

She isn't like that. She's mean, fast, smart, and in control of her tone of voice. Her tone is usually deceivingly professional and calm sounding which makes her false words and lies easier for others to believe. She puts words in my mouth and makes things up out of nowhere, in addition to twisting things I do actually say. I'm trying to stay away from her as much as possible. I think she enjoys fighting and bringing other people down.

Originally Posted by JoeS21

She doesn't stop talking for a second and does not even hear things like that. It's a volume contest until you've won. Then she resorts to trying to paint you in a negative light by accusing you of needing to "calm down," suggesting that you are out of line. It's a dirty trick where your natural instinct is to speak louder and then become antagonized, proving her right.


If you don't have a volume contest, then she keeps talking and twists the story so that she's saying all sorts of offensive untrue things about you in front of everyone.

Then if she is keeping her tone controlled and you are having a volume-contest, aren't you the one who is over talking her?

Does she incite you to lose your cool on purpose? Do you lose your cool in the face of her calm manipulation? It sounds like you are the one who could face punitive actions from above!



Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk

[Werewoman]

I once worked in a kid's day treatment unit as a teacher's aide. Frankly, your co-workers behavior reminds me of similar tactics used by the children. She's obviously very immature.

These kids had been kicked out of their regular classes for their behavior issues. They were all different in their own way, but they all had one thing in common with each other and your co-worker. From the outset, they do something outrageous (in your co-worker's case, making sure you look bad, but same principle applies regardless) to get a response. In their old classrooms, that usually resulted in an adult shouting, making threats, and/or sending them to the office. The child now has the satisfaction of controlling the adult/adults. Your co-worker is needing the satisfaction of disrupting either you personally, or the process you are trying to achieve. I don't know enough details to speculate on that one.

As crazy as it may sound, no matter what a child does, the adults working there did not react. I once had a kid throw a chair at me. I calmly told her to put it back where it was, and then turned around (showing your back shows no fear) and went back to what I was doing. It took her awhile to finally do what I said. First, she cussed me out, then she came over and stood next to me and cussed me out. I ignored it. When it came time to go outside, I told her she had to stay back with me until she put the chair back. She put the chair back. Had I shouted at her, or engaged with her as she tried to push my buttons, I would have had to deal with her throwing chairs every day after that.

I don't know if this helps you or not, but it just seems to me that the only thing that will work in this situation is to take away her power over you. I don't know if she is your supervisor, but even if she is, she does not have the right to be so disrespectful to you all the time. In fact, it's very unprofessional. Also, is it possible you're not giving your other co-workers enough credit? How do you know they believe her lies? Perhaps you are not the only one she treats this way.

I hope I've helped. Regardless, good luck and feel free to PM me if you'd like.

WW

[JoeS21]

Originally Posted by StressedMess

Then if she is keeping her tone controlled and you are having a volume-contest, aren't you the one who is over talking her?

Does she incite you to lose your cool on purpose? Do you lose your cool in the face of her calm manipulation? It sounds like you are the one who could face punitive actions from above!



Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk

You're still NOT getting it. Loud does not equal out of control. Coaches are loud, cashiers can be loud ("next in line please"), etc.) Projecting one's voice or talking loudly can be civil.

The person I'm dealing likes to act "as if." She takes perfectly fine scenarios, and paints them in a different light. She sets people up.

(Clarification: Maybe the term "volume contest" was misleading. In normal everyday non-hostile conversations, sometimes a the person speaking has missed a key point, and they start to go on and on about it. Or they have their facts wrong and are going on and on about that.

A normal civil reaction, is to interject by speaking slightly louder. Example: At the dinner table, Sally is telling a story about Ryan to her extended family. Sally neglects to mention that the "zipper" she speaks of, that was unzipped was a suitcase zipper, and NOT a pants zipper like the family seems to be thinking based on their expressions. So, Ryan speaks up to interject, "That was a SUITCASE zipper." Sally raises her voice above Ryans. Ryan tries again louder, "That was a SUITCASE SUITCASE!!!" That's what I'm getting at. Raising one's voice to correct a story is not necessarily hostile.

In this same vain, I was trying to correct my coworker when she was telling a misleading story about me. I wasn't angry, just trying to be heard AND to prevent others from getting the wrong idea. It was disappointing and embarrassing to me that my attempt at an interjection was mis-characterized by that coworker.)

[JoeS21]

Originally Posted by Werewoman

I once worked in a kid's day treatment unit as a teacher's aide. Frankly, your co-workers behavior reminds me of similar tactics used by the children. She's obviously very immature.

These kids had been kicked out of their regular classes for their behavior issues. They were all different in their own way, but they all had one thing in common with each other and your co-worker. From the outset, they do something outrageous (in your co-worker's case, making sure you look bad, but same principle applies regardless) to get a response. In their old classrooms, that usually resulted in an adult shouting, making threats, and/or sending them to the office. The child now has the satisfaction of controlling the adult/adults. Your co-worker is needing the satisfaction of disrupting either you personally, or the process you are trying to achieve. I don't know enough details to speculate on that one.

As crazy as it may sound, no matter what a child does, the adults working there did not react. I once had a kid throw a chair at me. I calmly told her to put it back where it was, and then turned around (showing your back shows no fear) and went back to what I was doing. It took her awhile to finally do what I said. First, she cussed me out, then she came over and stood next to me and cussed me out. I ignored it. When it came time to go outside, I told her she had to stay back with me until she put the chair back. She put the chair back. Had I shouted at her, or engaged with her as she tried to push my buttons, I would have had to deal with her throwing chairs every day after that.

I don't know if this helps you or not, but it just seems to me that the only thing that will work in this situation is to take away her power over you. I don't know if she is your supervisor, but even if she is, she does not have the right to be so disrespectful to you all the time. In fact, it's very unprofessional. Also, is it possible you're not giving your other co-workers enough credit? How do you know they believe her lies? Perhaps you are not the only one she treats this way.

I hope I've helped. Regardless, good luck and feel free to PM me if you'd like.

WW

Thank you very much. This sounds exactly on the right track. As soon as I can afford it, I'm going to take this message to a therapist and ask for more insight into this problem, and additional strategies or wisdom to help overcome it.

I am going to try NOT reacting no matter what and see where that gets me.

[StressedMess]

Originally Posted by JoeS21

You're still NOT getting it. Loud does not equal out of control. Coaches are loud, cashiers can be loud ("next in line please"), etc.) Projecting one's voice or talking loudly can be civil.

The person I'm dealing likes to act "as if." She takes perfectly fine scenarios, and paints them in a different light. She sets people up.

(Clarification: Maybe the term "volume contest" was misleading. In normal everyday non-hostile conversations, sometimes a the person speaking has missed a key point, and they start to go on and on about it. Or they have their facts wrong and are going on and on about that.

A normal civil reaction, is to interject by speaking slightly louder. Example: At the dinner table, Sally is telling a story about Ryan to her extended family. Sally neglects to mention that the "zipper" she speaks of, that was unzipped was a suitcase zipper, and NOT a pants zipper like the family seems to be thinking based on their expressions. So, Ryan speaks up to interject, "That was a SUITCASE zipper." Sally raises her voice above Ryans. Ryan tries again louder, "That was a SUITCASE SUITCASE!!!" That's what I'm getting at. Raising one's voice to correct a story is not necessarily hostile.

In this same vain, I was trying to correct my coworker when she was telling a misleading story about me. I wasn't angry, just trying to be heard AND to prevent others from getting the wrong idea. It was disappointing and embarrassing to me that my attempt at an interjection was mis-characterized by that coworker.)

I didn't "get it" because you never spelled it out for me, even though I asked you to elaborate. I was drawing my own conclusions.

I still think blank faced unruffled demeanor is the way to stop this behavior. Don't give her the reward she seeks, she will eventually move on.

Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk