[Tzzy123]

Hello everybody and thank you for reading this post.

I'm hoping that this would lead to some support or a good practical advice, but any positive feedback or any help would be really appreciated.

Not too far back, I took a gap year. I ended up staying longer, and for really good reasons. I was happy where I was, physically, mentally, discovering myself and even making plans. I moved to another country, made friends with tons of people, and even partnered up to set up a company, but the most important thing, just generally happy and positive.

Somewhere around that time, I met this girl. She was someone in my circle, and we ended up chatting one long night, when I made her laugh pretty much the whole night. I do like making people happy and I enjoyed it, and started to spend more time with her.

At the same time, people in my social circle weren't 100% happy with it - one actually asked me if I was sure about that and if I knew what I was going into, and another mutual friend decided to keep a distance from her after she lost her control and called him names. I wasn't really there when it happened though and I think I wanted to believe it wasn't as bad.

I had feelings and I spent more and more time with her. I think one reason why one of my friend wasn't sure about her is because she would be nice and then without warning turn into a horrible person, and then back. It's like we couldn't expect it. At the same time, we both lived in the same foreign country, she found it very hard to adjust and hated everybody around, partly because she felt her bosses were cheating her and I wanted to help and show her how things weren't that bad and in fact very nice, and pretty much helped with anything I could - learning the language, the culture, food, nicer people.

She had to go back home at one point urgently. I helped her with the tickets and getting to the airport, and stayed up all night helping her. I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression, but I didn't do it to get something back, I was just happy to help, and that was the satisfaction here, I mean, I had feelings for her, but I also helped other foreigners adjust, or at least made friends and gave a warm welcome to foreigners I met. I mean, I adjusted well and I liked it and I wanted people to have the same experience.

When she came back, we decided to take things further. Things from that point, I only see it now, went downhill. I might be wrong and this is why I'm confused, but I think I couldn't see it then.

I spent more time with her and since our companies were related, I ended up one time telling her boss off for cheating (he was dishonest, to be fair. then had to leave my job. I kept a positive attitude though and immediately started looking for another job.

Since she left work as well, her visa was running out and she had to go home. At the same time, I left work and this was an opportunity to progress with the company idea a friend and I had. At the same time I felt less focused - I arranged to visit her and my passport got ripped at the airport and I found myself running around trying to get a new one.

Eventually we decided to do something else- she would come over and stay for a year. We would rent an place and I will work on my idea where she will find a job and do something else.

Finding an apartment turned out to be exhausting and she wasn't making it easier - It was tough enough to find a landlord who was willing to let a place without credit (not being a permanent resident), but she was always stressed and talked about going back and how the UK (where she is from) was so much better - treating foreigners better, jobs, social life, men, etc. I believed it was only doing damage focusing on the UK if we're trying to rent a place in a different country.

With the help of the friend who believed in our idea, and the hard work, we eventually rented a place. The next thing was to find a job for both of us, which turned out to be easier - I was right on time to find a job at a university for the both of us, which would give me the financial freedom to also work on the company.

From there, things started to get more intense and other signs appeared:

A. She continued talking about the UK all the time.
B. She was obsessed about cleaning and tidying, and every little incident turned out to be a yelling session. She would yell at me if the coffee table wasn't angled with the carpet, and I didn't know how to deal with it.
C. At night, she would twitch and jerk for hours before she falls asleep, We would sometime watch TV at night and I couldn't focus on the movie because she was twitching and "getting comfortable" for hours.

I tried to address it a few times but also felt uncomfortable, and the worst, I realized that within a couple of months I disconnected from my friends, I kept pushing away the company idea and spent more time in the house playing computer games, instead of spending time with friends and generally out as I used to and enjoyed.

Also before she started working, she had a major breakdown.

4 months after we moved in, she made a decision to go back home leaving me with the contract and the apartment on my own, and giving me the ultimatm to come with her. Her argument was that the UK was way much better and fair and what not. She also argued that her temper and yelling was only because she was stressed out in that country but that normally she is not, and to be honest, I know it wasn't true, but I wanted to believe it,

It took me a really good effort, but did it - I grabbed everything, sold out other, worked through the very difficult paperwork, and came over to the UK.

We moved in with her parents, who did not like me from the first day. I don't know if they didn't really like me or was it just her being so controlling that made it like that. I was not allowed to go down and cook and was pretty much warned about everything, and my confidence and mood went worse, to the point I just hung out in her small room all day.

The job market wasn't good either, and since the place she lived in turned out to be a very small sleepy town, jobs weren't all over the place. The combination of me losing my confidence, the lack of income, her intimidating parents and her not stopping the yelling and even going worse, really affected me.

I don't want to judge the whole country, but at least where we moved, people were cold, uninviting, uninterested and generally busy with themselves rather than being friendly. Like I said at the beginning of the post, I always enjoyed making friends and making people feel welcome, but here it was the opposite. Even people you know will greet you with a fake hello and run home to watch repeats on TV. Literally. At the beginning it made me feel awkward, and since I even got few comments about being American, and even went through an interview that started well and went downhill after I confirmed I was American, I felt even more like people are just not friendly. People would rather complain and get into arguments rather than just be nice to each other.

At the same time, she didn't go better or relaxed but her yelling became even worse, she would come home from work yelling about anything, and I didn't feel confident to even yell back at the beginning. Other things appeared too - she started talking to herself in the mornings (repeating what she's done or had to do like get dressed, wear a certain outfit, making decisions, etc)

A couple of months in, she got into an argument with her parents and spoke really nasty to them - and we moved out. We found a shared apartment and a few weeks in, she also found a job at a really good company, while I was struggling with the job search, and my confidence, moral and general mood was even worse. She would yell even more. At one point her company gave her a nice car and she came home with even more confidence to yell. I was cooking dinner and she stormed into the kitchen yelling at me for not opening the door for her (she had a key). I really didn't hear it and explained it, and then she started yelling at me because the kitchen was "too messy" (as I was cooking). She then opened one of the kitchen closets and yelled because the potatoes were on the wrong side. I'm not making this up. We then had dinner, She did not talk the whole time and when finished, left everything and went to our room.

The same thing happened the next day too. She would call me names on a regular basis, make threats (go home if you want right now) refuse to admit ANY mistakes (in her opinion, she even literally said so - she was always right and I was always wrong)

One time, she took strong pills for headaches and I noticed that it affects her mood - to the worse. I followed up a few times and then tried to discuss it with her - of course it was unacceptable and I got lectured. But at the same time I suffered too - it was bad enough as it is without the pill. One night I mentioned it again - she refused. A few hours later at dinner with her friends she told the whole story about me "making threats" to take her pills away and how it's wrong - missing out the reasons, which made me look like a psycho.

Any of my attempts to discuss therapy or help failed. I was accused for being manipulating, wrong, crazy, mad. Everything.

Our social life wasn't as good as promised before we moved to the UK. I used to dance - on a regular basis, not only out at the clubs but at a studio. In the last 2 years I've been here - We've been to a club once. Once. and there are no studios around, believe me, I've searched. The only one that showed some potential, email me 8 month later asking me if I wanted to join Salsa classes (I do hip hop)

She refuses to dance and the only one time we were in the club, she refused.

To show you an example of how bad things are: We met in the couple a couple of her friends. They're "very good friends" and I won't even go into I don't get it - why wouldn't ask us if we wanted to join ? but I was trying to make friends. I paid for some of their drinks and in fact I enjoyed the night, and hoped it might turn into more nights out. We live across the door from them. They've been in our house twice. That is as far as it goes. I invited them a few times but kinda gave up. Heard about events they hosted - but did not invite us - someone else who knows them very well said they though we wouldn't like the party style. They are friendly - in a British way - the fake "Are you alright?" but that's it. There is nothing wrong between us - never had a problem but each to their own - nobody is even remotely interested in making friends.

Meeting people is done on a schedule basis. Her friends and her schedule getting together like doctor appointments. You want to catch a movie after work ? schedule it 2 weeks in advance. Knocking on someone's door is a crime, and any attempts I've suggested during these 2 years to just be causal (and friendly) to see what x is doing tonight have failed. Her friend comes every Sunday. They have a chat for an hour talking about ill people and that's it.

That shared apartment were we moved into was also - the neighbors decided they hated us, for absolutely no reason. I've never done anything to them, yet they seemed to enjoy giving us dirty looks, and topped it when my dog disappeared for too long and told me I deserved it and that I'm learning a "lesson" as I was calling for the dog in tears.

I did find the dog - Found a lady holding it from running back as I was walking up and down the street, who told me she "did not hear me".

a few months later I did find a job - at a really good company - it was a job for a US company I could do from home. That gave me a little bit of a push. I saved up money and surprised her with a cruise and a week in rome as a new year's present. I though - that might get her more relaxed and see things in a different way.

2 days into the cruise, she mentioned how it was really cool how I made friends with a lot of people on the boat - and I asked her - why does she think it's not like in the UK? Within 2 seconds she yelled at me again, called me names (*hole) and turned the whole evening into a nightmare. I was really disappointed and told her I made so much effort there to relax, and it took her 24 hours to promise she wouldn't but that it's up to how I behved. I did make an effort to avoid other things like her refusing to go into the swimming pool because there were "too many people".

It usually takes some time to people to get out of the holiday mode when they come back, but for her - less than 24 hours later, she yelled and freaked out calling me names again because: A plastic bag was on the "wrong shelf".

Not only that, losing control, she insulted a family relative who had recently passed away, and I got really hurt. At this point I told her I would not forgive her and somehow got the confidence to yell at her back.

She apologized for a week and told me she would do something to change - she said she went to a private therapist and that he gave her a book so she would try to read and it and that the book will help her change. I agreed, but she made an effort for a week, and a week later, forgot about it. I wanted to trust her and wanted to believe she was doing something about it, but less than a month later - in a yelling session, she snapped at me and grabbed my throat.

She stormed off the house and came back apologising - for less than a day - while I discovered the book and the therapist were only valid for a week and that nothing was done. She had good days and bad days, but you never know when to expect it and I had a few talks with her on how she needs to go and see someone, but nothing happens for a while and I kept going worse and worse:

Working from home - seeing nobody, in a town where there is nobody, meant no social life.
People were unfriendly in general and have an issue with empathy
Her moods affected me even through I thought they didn't and I found it harder and harder to focus and be relaxed or even strong enough to sit down all day and work - the upside was that because it the work was done from home I could do it in my own hours.

She eventually started a therapy, but that also - takes time. Meanwhile, right now, I've realized I have been down for a long time, I find it almost impossible to focus sometimes, especially during the day. Friends ? Zero. Self confidence - Below. She still yells - The last time was when we went to see her parents: Her mom's laptop had an issue and I spent 4 hours on trying to fix it. We were supposed to meet them later - and so we were a few minutes late (because I was stuck on the laptop) The walk from the car to the restaurant is about 5 minutes. She started walking faster(because she's always on edge and stressed) while I said that if she walks faster - the difference would be less than minute and that there was no need to stress out for nothing. She then yelled at me calling me "the most selfish person she had ever seen" - literally less than 10 minutes after I spent 4 hours on fixing her mom's laptop.

She also forgets she yells, like in this case, 1 hour later when I mentioned it - she said she had never yelled.

Wow, just realized I wrote a lot - took me two days. That's not the whole story but any comment or if anyone wants to listen for more, I would really, really appreciate.

Thanks in advance

[bluekoi]

Tzzy123, Why are you still with this woman? From what you have written, you have given up way too much and are losing yourself. If you would like to chat you can Private Message me.

[sans]

Wow, that was a super long post. From what my gut feelings were when i was reading, i felt that if you focus on yourself, and getting a life that you are content with, you will find a mate that will add to your joy.
This one sounds like a full time job, and that's not what a good relationship is supposed to be about.
Wishing you balance and harmony in all you do.

[~Christina]

Yikes !

Why in the world are you still with her? Shes emotionally abusive to you. You have given up and change so many things for her and shes still never happy or grateful it seems..

Cut your losses and make plans to get away from her. Shes not going to change her ways. Im sorry.

Take care

[silver tree]

Hi Tizzy

I think everyone else has already said it, it's not working and you should leave. I think she probably has some work to do on herself before she can manage a healthy relationship and she doesn't seem terribly happy? Do you think maybe part of this is that you are not all that compatible really and she is responding negatively towards you, instead of facing that, and her own issues? Whatever the reason and whatever the problem, from what you have said, it sounds a lost cause for your relationship maybe.

I would say, judging by your need to express all of that and you talk of being down and losing your self confidence, you are probably in need of some therapy yourself? Some of the cities in the UK are quite cool places; Manchester, liverpool, Bristol etc. Perhaps London as it is very multicultural (including Americans) would be good for you. So if you work from home and have no other emotional ties to where you are, maybe move, get some therapy and then make the most of your time in the UK?

I don't want to judge the whole country, but at least where we moved, people were cold, uninviting, uninterested and generally busy with themselves rather than being friendly. Like I said at the beginning of the post, I always enjoyed making friends and making people feel welcome, but here it was the opposite. Even people you know will greet you with a fake hello and run home to watch repeats on TV. Literally. At the beginning it made me feel awkward, and since I even got few comments about being American, and even went through an interview that started well and went downhill after I confirmed I was American, I felt even more like people are just not friendly. People would rather complain and get into arguments rather than just be nice to each other.

I must admit I did really laugh at this I would have to say that I agree with a lot of this to some degree and can see why Americans think it lol Especially some of the stories I have heard about US hospitality and generosity on a personal/community level. I wouldn't say the brits were 'fake' though? Polite and distant maybe. I don't think we have a problem with empathy either. It is just that we are not terribly open with expressing or receiving displays of emotion, in the same way other cultures are, maybe?

I love cultural differences, especially when they are so far removed from your own that they really stand out. I love the way the english are seen by the rest of the world also. It really makes me laugh, especially, as an overview, it can be funny to have it pointed out x

I am sorry that you haven't been happy here and I am sorry things have been so tough with your relationship. I hope it isn't a hard brake up if/when it comes I also hope you don't leave without trying other parts of the country

All the best to you x

[Tzzy123]

Thanks Silver_Tree, Christina and Sans. I'm a little surprised since I wasn't sure people would bother reading such a long story. I'd really love to talk. I mean about anything, it doesn't have to be that.

I agree with everything you all said - Getting up and do something about it. I agree - Chances are not everybody in England is like that, but I have yet to met any. I know, the place where I live is not known as the best town in England.

I read all the comments on the first day - and it took me a week to answers. I feel up and down like a rollercoaster, I go to sleep thinking I'm going to do something about it first thing in the morning, and then I don't, feeling down the next day and up, I find it hard to focus - especially when she's around.

We went to a movie a couple of nights ago - a long one - over two hours, and she sat next to me twirling her hair the whole time. non stop. I get less and less patient and I actually couldn't concentrate on the movie because of that - and felt horrible after.

So I'm finding myself in this loop every day not being able to do anything about it...

[~Christina]

You can change it.. Don't allow her to control you ..
Make a plan to get away from her and do it , no excuses just make a plan and follow through with it... And for gawds sake don't feel guilty or sorry for her.. You dont owe her anything at this point. You have given enough.

Just leave !

[healingme4me]

How difficult would it be, now that you are working from home, to find yourself a flat, in a different part of the country, alone and away from her? That's no way, to live! Maybe the neighbors just don't like her?

[Tzzy123]

I am not making enough money to get out :/ I feel exhausted and frustrated.. No one to talk to. We just sat watching tv (this town closes up at 5:00) and she is obsessed with the tv - sitting to watch a whole season of shows a day. She sat again the whole time twirling her hair (for about 3 hours) and do this thing when she yawns all the time. She yawns 2-3 times a minute. For two hours. And now I feel drained.

[~Christina]

OK so you dont have enough money to find a place alone then its time to start looking for ads from people looking for a roommate.

Why bother sitting with her while she watches TV ? Go to sleep or surf the internet, apply for a new job in another country? Do anything that keeps you occupied and away from her.

You mention working from home is she there all day or does she work ? (sorry I cant remember) Are you able to put in more hours to increase your income? Or maybe take a second job for more income but also to just get away from her?

Your in a terrible situation of course .. I would think making a move to get away from her would be worth putting up with a roommate or a living situation your not real thrilled about ... It would be better than staying with her.

Take care

[Tzzy123]

not enough money and probably not enough emotional strength got take myself away from this. It took me once again days to answer, and there is nothing done.... I sleep on the sofa, wake up every day with tears or just with frustration going through my bones.

[bluekoi]

Tzzy123, You need to make a serious effort to help yourself get out of this toxic relationship. ~Christina, healingme4me, silver tree & sans all gave you some very helpful suggestions. There must be social services that can help you. Reach out, move out and start living again.

I rarely write here, but I felt compelled to comment. I am no expert and so this is simply an observation..... You have an unhealthy obsession with a highly manipulative woman. Why, I have no idea, but to me it's completely clear that you are aware of this fact.
You are here seeking affirmation that your instincts are spot on. Say goodbye and get out of this relationship before it damages you any further.