I can't deal with boyfriend's family and he wants me to spend holidays with them

Brasucasulu · Sep 18, 2014, 02:28 PM

my current relationship is one of the most difficult I've ever had. So, I have decided to break up and move on. He beg me to reconsider and I decided to give him a chance. Things have improved since then.
However, he started planning Xmas and New Year and he wants us to spend it with his family.
They aren't bad people, but I don't like to be among them.
Last time we went together with them I was very annoyed and bored. They organize everything their way. Everyday is the same thing. They spend the morning watching CNN, go to Starbucks and the rest of the day going to mall and grocery. At night they cook and we go to sleep. They speak a different language which I don't understand all the time, I'm totally left off the conversation and they don't make any effort to put me in.
Besides that, his bro is a real spoiled brat, he's 50 and rich, and he thinks he's master of universe. Everything has to be his way, and focused on his needs. The whole family are like puppies licking ... I'm sick of this. I don't wanna go and spend holidays with them. I have no parents and I honestly would rather spend it alone. How can I tell him that I don't wanna go without hurting his feelings.

arachnophobia.kid · 03:41 PM

This sounds so similar to what happens to me on a regular basis.

I think honesty is the best thing and often has the best results, even though it's also the harder route to take. As someone who's been in your situation multiple times, if you do decide to confront your boyfriend/his family with this, take it very seriously when you address them. Let them know how important this is for you and let them know how this is effecting you in such a negative way. Don't be aggressive or accusatory, tell them you wish things could be different but you are just experiencing this difficulty and would prefer not go. Chances are they have no idea how you feel and are assuming that it would be a delight for you to join them.

I believe that even if it's hard for them, people want to know when their behavior is effecting people negatively, it helps them to consider their behavior in the future and helps them to become more self aware and sensitive to others. I think it also helps to have these kinds of honest, open conversations in the long run, since these people may well be your family one day. Being honest will help them better understand you, and your relationship with them will be better off because of it. That's what I believe anyway... I haven't seen any case studies about it or anything, this is just from my own life experience having dealt with this before. So take it with a grain of salt I guess, you might want to consider that my approach is maladaptive and not right for you.

Be aware that sometimes it has really backfired on me in the past... where I get very negative reactions. Be prepared to deal with that as some people just will not treat you with respect. If that is the case I suggest keeping an open mind and hearing them out, but if they continue to disrespect you, what I would do is just refuse to go and refuse to talk to them about it any further.

I wish you all the best in figuring this out.

And just as a word of caution: consider weighing this against the value of your relationship with your boyfriend as well. As in, if you two end up married or something similar, his family will become your family, and you will have to spend more and more time with them.

~Christina · Sep 18, 2014, 03:28 PM

Well ... You need to be blunt with him about everything you have typed here.. There is one thing to be put in an uncomfortable situation and then there is being forced to routinely being in a situation where you are going to basically be ignored and they don't seem willing to speak a language you are able to join in with it?? That's just disrespectful to you...

Your concern is hurting him by not wanting to go .... But your going to be hurt by going with him and suffer through a whole holiday being excluded ?

If it were me I would just be honest and tell him you do not want to go, Maybe you two can agree to only spend X amount of hours with them and begin making your "own" traditions together as a couple?

If it were me I would start putting some or my needs and wants into the reltionship.. It cant be one sided .

I wish you the best

Brasucasulu · Sep 18, 2014, 03:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by arachnophobia.kid

This sounds so similar to what happens to me on a regular basis.

I think honesty is the best thing and often has the best results, even though it's also the harder route to take. As someone who's been in your situation multiple times, if you do decide to confront your boyfriend/his family with this, take it very seriously when you address them. Let them know how important this is for you and let them know how this is effecting you in such a negative way. Don't be aggressive or accusatory, tell them you wish things could be different but you are just experiencing this difficulty and would prefer not go. Chances are they have no idea how you feel and are assuming that it would be a delight for you to join them.

I believe that even if it's hard for them, people want to know when their behavior is effecting people negatively, it helps them to consider their behavior in the future and helps them to become more self aware and sensitive to others. It also helps to have these kinds of honest, open conversations with people who are going to be around in your life. It will help them better understand you, and your relationship with them will be better off because of it. That's what I believe anyway... I haven't seen any case studies about it or anything, this is just from my own life experience having dealt with this before. So take it with a grain of salt I guess, you might want to consider that my approach is maladaptive and not right for you.

I wish you all the best in figuring this out.

And just as a word of caution: consider weighing this against the value of your relationship with your boyfriend as well. As in, if you two end up married or something similar, his family will become your family, and you will have to spend more and more time with them.

Thanks for you response. Yeah! I cannot see us marrying. I will try and speak to him and see what happens!

Brasucasulu · Sep 18, 2014, 03:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Well ... You need to be blunt with him about everything you have typed here.. There is one thing to be put in an uncomfortable situation and then there is being forced to routinely being in a situation where you are going to basically be ignored and they don't seem willing to speak a language you are able to join in with it?? That's just disrespectful to you...

Your concern is hurting him by not wanting to go .... But your going to be hurt by going with him and suffer through a whole holiday being excluded ?

If it were me I would just be honest and tell him you do not want to go, Maybe you two can agree to only spend X amount of hours with them and begin making your "own" traditions together as a couple?

If it were me I would start putting some or my needs and wants into the reltionship.. It cant be one sided .

I wish you the best

Thanks Cristina! I will try and talk to him. It is a very delicate subject. Specially because his family is everything for him. I have started taking better care of myself and my feelings.

daethspellz · Sep 18, 2014, 09:26 PM

I think that you should be blunt but also, if you love him, try to be with them. YTou don't have to fully engage just be around them and be in your won little world. Sometimes we have to do things we hate but in the long run, facing what you dislike can help you grow and conquer little things you think or feel that are holding you back.maybe spending time with his family might bring you two closer together.

ChipperMonkey · 03:34 AM

Why do you care AT ALL about hurting his feelings when he doesn't like that you are not white? (Per your other thread.)

I think you actually answered why they treat you differently in that thread....so no need to question it.

I guess you could say that I'm a bit confused at this relationship!

Jump ship. I don't see why you're staying with this guy.

Brasucasulu · Sep 19, 2014, 09:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Why do you care AT ALL about hurting his feelings when he doesn't like that you are not white? (Per your other thread.)

I think you actually answered why they treat you differently in that thread....so no need to question it.

I guess you could say that I'm a bit confused at this relationship!

Jump ship. I don't see why you're staying with this guy.

You're right! However I'm very bad ending up relationships. I have decided to give him this last opportunity as I realized that he has a lot of emotional problems. This will be the only chance. If he screws it, he's out.

lilypup · Sep 19, 2014, 12:06 PM

Um, I don't think his emotional problems are a good reason to give him another chance. As a mother of young adult children it is normal to want to see your child around the holidays. I would either send him alone for a day. Or suck it up and go for a day and smile. If you stay together you will eventually be able to deal with it and laugh at it.

Trippin2.0 · Sep 19, 2014, 04:08 PM

English isn't a foreign language here, so his family is just plain rude to speak what I'm assuming is Afrikaans throughout your entire visit!! Even if its not their home language it's their official second language as its mandatory to master it at school...

Why you're allowing this racist rude man to emotionally blackmail u into staying with him is completely beyond me, he doesn't deserve the time of day.

For all you know they gossip about you the whole time you're in their midst

You couldn't PAY me to go if I were in your shoes, and that's saying alot because I'm broke!

Ps. Maybe u should leave ur phones voice recorder on while u visit and I'll translate for you just incase...

Brasucasulu · Sep 19, 2014, 04:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

English isn't a foreign language here, so his family is just plain rude to speak what I'm assuming is Afrikaans throughout your entire visit!! Even if its not their home language it's their official second language as its mandatory to master it at school...

Why you're allowing this racist rude man to emotionally blackmail u into staying with him is completely beyond me, he doesn't deserve the time of day.

For all you know they gossip about you the whole time you're in their midst

You couldn't PAY me to go if I were in your shoes, and that's saying alot because I'm broke!

Ps. Maybe u should leave ur phones voice recorder on while u visit and I'll translate for you just incase...

Thank you! Yeah! You guys are right. I am also growing apart after all that. Soon I'm going to my hometown for vacation and I'm looking for a job there. I have a couple of offers so far.
I would be really upset if they're gossiping about me. I don't think they are, but everything is possible.
I just have this as a total lack of respect. I also speak Portuguese and Spanish, but even if I had the chance I wouldn't let anyone else put of conversation. It is rude.
I would definitely not going to spend my holidays with them. Last time I spent a lot of money and ended up spending two boring weeks going to the mall and listening to a conversation that I don't understand. He and his sis stated asking me questions and once I responded they laughed and talked in their language again. I got fuming and told them that they were very rude and bullies. They then stopped.
I love other cultures and don't make difference of people, that's why I cannot deal with them.
They came to my apartment one day, and as I went to the bathroom his dad started opening my fridge and cabinets.
And I don't thing it is any cultural stuff. I have very good friend from ZA and they're very polite.

Trippin2.0 · Sep 19, 2014, 05:50 PM

I assure you, it's definitely not a ZA cultural thing to be rude and snoop around in someone else's fridge! 😈

Brasucasulu · Sep 19, 2014, 07:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I assure you, it's definitely not a ZA cultural thing to be rude and snoop around in someone else's fridge! 😈

Agreed. And that's why I will rather spend Xmas all by myself

Trippin2.0 · Sep 20, 2014, 12:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brasucasulu

Agreed. And that's why I will rather spend Xmas all by myself

Solitary Xmas isn't as bad as it seems, I've done it too, and that's because I refused to put up with my own family politics! Not even someone else's!

You're doing the right thing, don't go looking for misery, it's just not smart😉

Brasucasulu · Sep 20, 2014, 11:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Solitary Xmas isn't as bad as it seems, I've done it too, and that's because I refused to put up with my own family politics! Not even someone else's!

You're doing the right thing, don't go looking for misery, it's just not smart😉

Solo Xmas are usually fun! You eat what you want, and as you say, you don't have to put up with other people's stuff.
I already told him that I am not going, as he wanted me to book my flight now. Why would I spend 3k to be with them?

Trippin2.0 · Sep 20, 2014, 02:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brasucasulu

Solo Xmas are usually fun! You eat what you want, and as you say, you don't have to put up with other people's stuff.

I already told him that I am not going, as he wanted me to book my flight now. Why would I spend 3k to be with them?

Whaaaah??

He wanted YOU to visit HIM for Xmas and deal with HIS rude family AND spend 3k to do so????

I hope he was joking!!!!

Really proud of you for letting him know you wont be attending that circus! 🎪

Brasucasulu · Sep 21, 2014, 07:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Whaaaah??

He wanted YOU to visit HIM for Xmas and deal with HIS rude family AND spend 3k to do so????

I hope he was joking!!!!

Really proud of you for letting him know you wont be attending that circus! 🎪

Yeah! They can enjoy themselves. I will stay right here!! Xoxox

Brasucasulu · Sep 21, 2014, 08:53 PM

I was speakimg to another Sputh African friend today. She told me that what they do is very rude. She couldn't believe it.
She said that they're really selfish and disrespectful. And I agree with her