My dads birthday

So it's my fathers birthday and he lives quite away from me, almost an hours drive. I haven't got the best of relationships with my parents, you can search my old threads but i'll give a bit of background anyway. He is very negative and antagonistic especially towards me, I think he's always been depressed (now I look back) but he would never admit or get help for it. My mother is terrible at showing emotion. Needless to say I grew up thinking they never understood me or actually ever wanted me. I suffer with anxiety.

Anyway its his birthday and as he lives quite far and I have a child that attends school, I knew I couldn't get there today so I called him first thing to wish him happy birthday. I could tell straight away he was in no good mood. I said sorry you know I can't get through to see you but i'll see you tomorrow. He snapped, that its his birthday today and if I couldn't get his card & gift to him today why didn't I post it?! Well firstly I thought handing it to him in person was the best option. Obviously not in his eyes. Conversation was quite short and I said to him and my mother, have a nice day and left it at that.
A few hours later I pick my little one up from school and we ring granddad to wish him happy birthday. He was fine on the 'phone to my child, commenting on how grown up they sound on the phone etc. Little one says to him, wish we could come over today. I don't know if this upset him or what but he ended the call with 'ohh I don't think i'm coming over tomorrow eve now'.
He's made me feel like i'm such a bad daughter once again and then the other part of me is thinking why oh why do I bother with such a miserable, selfish man

besides the abuse I suffered as a kid, my dad making me feel this way is the reason I cut him out of my life. I couldn't tolerate feeling this way every holiday I had to gift him. it was too much for my anxiety to have to deal with. so I just stopped. I didn't owe him anything. it wasn't my job to make him happy. it wasn't worth it.

You are not a bad daughter -- you are a saintly daughter for all of your attempts to please your selfish sounding father even though you know he will probably find something wrong in all you do. It was very nice of you to have your kids call even after he was so rude to you earlier in the day. I can't believe he turned a sweet comment from his grandkid into an excuse to make you feel bad. That was really wrong.

Set your boundaries firmly with this group of parents. "Hi, Dad, Happy Birthday!I'll see you tomorrow at 4pm. Gotta run. Bye!" If they bother the kids at ALL cut it off with them. I drew the line at my mother telling my 8 year old I was a bad mother.

Thank you. He is staying put on what he said and he isn't coming tonight, he says he's not feeling well but after what he said yesterday I think it's just an excuse.
I'm not listening to him anymore, or at least i'm taking every word with a pinch of salt. I feel stronger already.

Ha! I'm sorry, I guess the more I read here... the more I want to laugh at people who are this crazy and self-centered, and expect to huff and puff like the big bad wolf and have everyone drop everything to suit their moods.

First, let me say - if this was somebody that I had a good relationship with, who had already showed a lot of caring and patience towards me, I would honestly consider how they were feeling and whether this was something that I could give in on, to help them feel better.

But in this case, where the relationship is already sour, and where you've already explained to him why you can't see him on his birthday, he's just being a big, whiny, brat. I think I'd have a tendency to say something that sounds vaguely empathic, then drop it and hang up. Sort of like you might do with a child having a tantrum? Like, "Yeah, it really sucks that I can't get out there today. I'm glad I'll be able to see you tomorrow then! Gotta run, see you later!"

But then... I'd say put it out of your mind. Not the trip the next day, I don't mean to blow him off... I just mean... don't let his words stay in your head and cause you additional stress/worry/grief. Just let them float away like a bubble, because it's all his "stuff", not anything you're doing... so no use holding on to it... if that makes sense.

Anyway - sorry your dad's being bratty

My dad's lucky if I send him a card. I only call when the kids are around, to have them wish a happy birthday.
He doesn't huff and puff, that sounds more like my kids father, but I don't make an obligatory display.
If it weren't for your mom, would you even bother?