[Tom3429]

I'm so confused in my life right now. Over the past year there have been many changes and I don't know how to handle them all. I've made some mistakes that I never ever thought I would make. (But now I don't even know if it was a mistake).

I just finished a PhD that was very rigorous. I had very little time to spend with friends and, importantly, my wife of 2 years. So, she obviously took on hobbies to fill her time. However, when I finally slowed down and had the time to spend with her, she did not slow do her personal hobby. This was when we were supposed to plan our honeymoon, and yet she still never made time. It made me feel very unwanted. At the same time, many if my friends and already defended and moved away....essentially leaving me alone. I feel that this caused me to grow apart from my wife, and begin seeing the world differently. We didn't grow together over our last 2 years of marriage, (though I would insist that I tried) we grew independent.

Furthermore, I needed to be looking for a new job in my field. Going into this, we knew its would mean changing states and trying to find a place that matched both of us. This caused a plethora of stress, and my top choices had to be vetoed. We ended up having to move to the west coast, thousands of miles away from family, and me taking a job that wasn't exactly what I wanted, allowing her to be in her near ideal position.

About 9 months ago, and 6 months before moving, I met a new coworker. I know this is super cliche, but she and I hit it off incredibly well. Honestly, in a very short period of time, she became one of my best friends. Our passions and interests in life were nearly identical, we were immensely comfortable with each other. Truly one of the closest friends I have. I am also 100% sure that I would be friends with her even in the absence of my stressful home life.

For better or worse, this caused me to reevaluate my relationship with my wife. I realized that my wife and I shared very little interests comparatively. Our ideas of fun are different, and while I was content with her, I felt as if I was never as happy as I could be. Even when thinking back to when we were younger and just starting out together.

My emotional connection with my new friend become romantic, and it crossed lines that I never thought I could have crossed. It felt so right, and while it is likely a mistake, it didn't feel like one and still doesn't quite feel like a mistake. It felt so comfortable to be with her. Shortly after this, (literally days) I moved across the country.

I recognize that I am now depressed. Depressed because I did what was once unthinkable. Depressed because I am missing a person who became my one best friend. Depressed because I am trying to do all the fun things I want to do with my wife, but she is not interested, and I feel as if I am on eggshells ever since telling her that I was feeling disconnected from her.

Depressed because I am thousands of miles away from my family support. Depressed because I am confused about my feelings for my best friend, I don't know how to remove the romantic feelings while still keeping our close friendship intact. Depressed because I feel like I love both her and my wife in different ways, and I don't know how to resolve that. Depressed because I am in a location that I didn't really want, driving 3 hours round trip to commute, and don't have time to de-stress myself ever.

Depressed because I feel that even though I was trying to water the grass at ohm for the longest time, it isn't/wasn't getting greener....and the other side felt lush and vibrant. And now I feel that I am hypocritical for trying to be better at my marriage.

I am so lost. Sometimes I just want to drive away and leave everything behind, and start fresh on my own accord. Be independent, find a new job, find a new place, redefine myself as who I really am, the person I have grown into now.

[kaliope]

hi tom
so why don't you? you obviously aren't happy or feeling good about your marriage. and it wouldn't be because you strayed. you didn't feel connected to your marriage before that happened. you didn't feel connected to your job. so why not walk away from it all (responsibly) and go find yourself? discover, who you are and what makes you happy. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[Tom3429]

I think that the whole "responsibly" thing is what I am stuck on. Walking away from everything doesn't seem logical or responsible at all.

It seems it is more of a question of who do I want to be unfair towards? I feels like it is being unfair and irresponsible to myself to stay in a situation that I am not as happy as I could. But it also seems irresponsible and unfair to simply walk away from the life that I have already started down the path.

Thank you for the welcome. It is helpful to read and see the support that is here.