[LookingforCalm]

I broke up with someone a little over two weeks ago, and I'm reeling. Work helps me escape from my grief, but I am having a hard time when I get home.

He is a salesman. Commission salesman. His paychecks are up and down, but he still made more than me. I live alone, and pay all of my own bills. He lived with a roommate, and paid rent to a place he wasn't living in because he practically lived with me. First mistake - I let that slide.

He was kind, and at first he was caring. As the relationship progressed, we had less and less to say to each other unless we went out to our "bar". Serious conversations weren't had until we'd had some beverages, and I knew a long time ago that something was off about all of this.

About a year ago, I was to renew my lease for my apartment. Since he didn't have a car that he owned (he was driving his roommate's car) and he had other financial woes that I became privy to after some "truth serum", I became more wary.

However, I gave him a year. A year to get his crap together.

Well, here we are. A year later and nothing to show for it. He said he had a bad month, but even when he was having a "good" one I never saw any benefits. No help, no real dates. Just more nights at the bar. That I paid for.

And I let this happen.

Well, my car started breaking down and my job requires me to drive. I've worked VERY hard to get where I am now. I climbed my way through my company and have a very secure job. So I bought a car, but not from his dealership.

The main thing that made me kick him out was that he never "courted" me, but I blame myself. Even though I made it clear that's what I wanted throughout the relationship, none of it mattered until I said I was done with it.

I am tired of being a doormat. I thought I was helping him save money by supporting him, but to find out that he had NOTHING saved for us to move in together was too much.

He hawked stuff. He owed (owes) the IRS. He was never honest about money, but he wanted to move in together. My opinion is that he wanted someone to take care of it. Stuff. Lack of responsibility... Did I mention he's almost 44?????

When we finally decided this year to move in, he said he needed me to pay the deposit, the pet deposit (for a cat that I'm allergic to), and the first months rent. I knew, in my heart, that setting this precedent meant I would ALWAYS be paying for stuff. Because stupid me already has been.

The more I considered this, the more I realized I couldn't be his "sugar momma" anymore. I started to freak out, and I told him I was and why. He said everything was going to be alright. Everything I've told him about my fears is nothing new, but he blew me off.

Until I said I was done.

I'm not looking to be rewarded. I'm simply looking for the same respect I give others. But apparently, that means I'm a *&^(ing doormat. Why is that???

My heart aches and I kind of miss him. I'm not going to do anything stupid, but I do wish I could write a letter explaining things. But if he didn't listen then, why should he now, right?

Opinions, encouragement, and brutality is welcome (in his or my regard). I know right now I am feeling bad because I am feeling BAD. Sad. Did I really do the right thing? I'm sorry this is so long...

Thanks!

[Slamjammer]

IMHO- you did EXACTLY the right thing. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, you work hard and have "your ducks in a row". Good for you!

Forget about this loser...the right guy will come by at the right moment.

[Rose76]

This is a situation in which there is no "right thing" IMHO. It's a matter of what you want. This guy is never going to pull his weight financially in the relationship. At the same time, being alone can feel very . . . well . . . lonely. That's what you are going through now. It takes time to get over a breakup. Two weeks is no where near the time it takes.

You just have to ask yourself, "Am I so lonely that I would rather support this guy than be without him." If the answer is "No," then you did the right thing. He's never going to change . . . never, never, never.

Can you do better for yourself in the realm of relationships? Well, there is no guarantee. But you are guaranteed not to do better, if you don't kick him out of your life. You're a lady doing well enough to keep a roof over your head. Seems to me there is a good chance you can do better than this leech. I hope you do.

Bravo. You gave him more than a fair chance, and you made the right decision. What you did was difficult. But necessary. It sounds to me like he's a 44 year old little boy.

In my battle tempered opinion, you made a healthy, but difficult decision.
You are second guessing yourself because it is very often difficult and painful to stick by healthy decisions.
If you stick by your decision, you will soon have no doubt that ending the relationship brings you closer to finding calm, health and happiness,
Congratulations!

[hamster-bamster]

Definitely draft a letter.

Whether to send it is another question altogether, but drafting it, getting the stuff out of your head and onto paper (screen) would be the way to go. You are feeling the need to express yourself - follow it; it is there for a reason. Once it is written, you will decide on the next steps.

[healingme4me]

I believe if you stayed, being in very different financial decision making realities, bitterness and resentment would destroy the relationship in the long run, anyways.

You gave him an opportunity to display compatibility by living together.

Plus, lesson from my own experience, if conversation isn't really there, without truth serum, then it's a long road to misery.

You expressed something else, that's a huge relationship red flag. If you wrote a letter, you wouldn't feel like he listened anyways. Feeling unheard in a relationship is about as bad as it gets, imo.

Grieving sometimes involves, doubting choices. Sometimes it's not right or wrong, but staying true to your own self integrity.

[springdweller]

In life i have found that best the decisions are usually the hardest to execute. You will heal. I know how you feel completely.. Keep chin up ,just know it will only get better.

[Bill3]

You did the right thing.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Bill3

You did the right thing.

Bravo! Somebody answered the question as it was posed.