[hvert]

A friend wants to get together. He just asked if I wanted to visit with his kid and suggested we get together on a day he has custody.

The kid doesn't even talk yet. I don't have kids. I don't get why he thinks I want to see his kid. Is it because I ask how the kid is doing? I thought I was just being polite.

[hvert]

Actually, to be honest, I don't even want to see this friend. It's someone I knew 15 years ago. We took very different paths in life. It sounds horrible to say this, but I only talk to him at this point because I feel sorry for him. He has made some really bad life choices and has had bad luck on top of it.

I am really not interested in a friendship with him because we have very little in common at this point, but I don't really want to flat out tell him that. I had kept to a very low contact relationship with him, but some stuff really spun out of control for him this year and I tried to help him out. He keeps saying we should get together and I don't know what to say to that except 'yeah, we should.' I try to keep it vague and say I am busy, but sooner or later I have to get pinned down to a date. Ugh.

Just be honest with the guy , if you lost interest then just tell him , I like you but not in that way , I'm cool with e-mail chat but not in person . Dose he live close by or far away so he doesn't just pop over any oh time .

[hvert]

He doesn't pop over, thankfully. I don't answer the door if I'm not expecting anyone, anyway - I hate people popping in! I would just feel even worse if I dumped him. I don't think he has many friends right now.

[IrisBloom]

If I was in this situation, I'd have plans each time he suggested getting together. He will get the message sooner or later. As for his child, it's natural for a parent to want to show off their kids.

[JadeAmethyst]

I can relate to what you are saying. When someone is in need and hurting, I get hooked into their issues and try to be present. When coming to your home, you can change your mind. Tell him you aren't up for company right now, leave it at that.
If he continues to call you can answer or not.

Being kind for yourself and to your friend is golden.
good luck
Jade

[hvert]

Thank you. I worry that I am being mean when I am trying to be nice. It's very difficult to deal with.

[healingme4me]

I don't know, hvert, personally, when I want time to spend with my friends, not having my kids around is a better atmosphere to connect with my friends. Though I appreciate being asked how they are, I know I cannot give 100%attention to anyone, if I also need to attend to my children. They can sit still, yet, it's always something. ..

[A Red Panda]

A polite way to not hang out with the kid is to say that he should really take the time he has with his kid and give 100% of that to the kid.

[hvert]

Yeah, I thought it was a bit odd for him to suggest that. I've had friends invite me to meet their kids and I've spent time with friends with their kids - but most of my friends with split custody much prefer getting together when the other parent has the child. To get an invite that was 'Would you like to spend some time with my kid next Weds?' is too weird.

Maybe he wanted me to babysit.

[hvert]

Yes, Red Panda! That is a good way to phrase it! Thank you!

[IrisBloom]

Originally Posted by hvert

Thank you. I worry that I am being mean when I am trying to be nice. It's very difficult to deal with.

Your first priority is to be nice to yourself.

I have a girlfriend who I grew up with and every time I message her I get the I am busy or working now , can't talk now So hearing you say how you feel kind of hits me and thinks maybe she feels the same way .

I know you said you don't want to hurt him by being honest . But the truth is you are hurting him slowly because every time he reaches out to you your telling him your busy in other words I have no time for you . So you are hurting him even tho you may not think so .
That was why I said just be honest with him and not lead him to think there is something when there is nothing .

I wish my friend would just say I don't want to chat with you instead of giving me
excuses .

[hvert]

Nature1968, that is what I am worried about. I am okay being email friends, but I'm just not interested in hanging out, especially if it involves a two year old.

I did tell one person once that I only wanted to be email friends. She accepted it for a while and then started asking me to hang out again.

With your friend, I guess I would stop contacting her and see what happens. When I feel like I am the only one who initiates, that's what I do.

IrisBloom has a good point

I did stop contacting her for a year and I just messaged her again on FB and she post pictures and stuff on her page but has no time to talk to me and it hurts . I don't want to see her I just like to know what she is up to from time to time .

I wish I could just delete her off my FB but I want to hold on to something that isn't
there . Part of my psychosis I am dealing with ..

Tell him let's e-mail each other , Your not looking for anything serious then he will know where you stand .
You will feel better because you won't have to give excuses any more .

As for your other friend just say no I just want to e-mail you . Set the Boundaries and stick to them and you will be happy

[Parley]

In general~ I have no problems saying no but in this case, i believe would set up a few minutes to stop in. Just to meet his kid and say hello. Only because it sounds like there's been some chit chat and he's trying to get his life together and is proud of his motivation.

If someone told me that i needed to give 100 percent of my attention to my child~ it wouldn't go over well. I can think of a hundred reasons why but for one it implies that I can't have a personal life when i have my child. That sounds lonely for a person trying to get their life together. I might joke around with it and say "sorry dude~ I'm done with kiddy swing."

I am not saying I'd become friends but I would take the blame for not wanting to form a relationship rather than put it on him and telling him how to spend his time with his child.

It's a tough situation~ I wouldn't want to be in your shoes but I wish you the best.

[ifst5]

What i don't understand is why he isn't giving his sole attention to the kid anyway...if he doesn't get much time to see them you'd think every moment would be precious...

I'd just send a vague email - explain that you're going to be very busy soon so you won't have time to get in touch, explain that you wish them the best though and you'll always be available - by email - to get in touch with if they need too.

[hvert]

Gee, I never thought about how saying I didn't want to take time away from his kid was sort of putting the blame on him. This is sort of impossible! He does only have custody two days a week, though, so I do think it is weird he wants me to come over then. I said no to him.

Nature1968, that sucks about your friend. I can understand wanting to delete her and not wanting to.

[A Red Panda]

At the same time, it's more of a "I don't want to take away some of the time you get with your kid" so that they can make the most of their time with them.

You can also just tell him that you're not a kid person. One of my friends is very much NOT a kid person, and she makes it clear to people that she doesn't want to hang out with their kids because she just doesn't do well around them.