[Rhapsody]

Hmm -

I just had a thought after watching a movie on TV..... concerning LoVe.

A lot of people are content - but they are NOT happy... and that makes all the difference.
....... in success or failure of the relationship.

QUESTION:
What are each and everyone of us doing for our sufficient other / our relationship(s) to be HAPPY?

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[almostangela]

This is a very thought provoking thread.

Is content not the same as happy? Happy and sad are two extremes, but when you find peace with yourself and surroundings, that will lead to contentment which is the middle ground.

If you were to experience great happiness with your significant other, would that not mean that you would also be experiencing great upset or sadness, whereby you compare the two extremes to come up with the definition of 'happiness'?


But to answer your question, I do things for my significant other that I know will make him happy. (Back rub, cuddle, ask him about his interests, serve his favorite food) When I feel his joy, then I am happy, and he does the same. We are happy, but also content.

Just my thoughts on the concept of contentment, or am I missing something else that you are trying to convey?

[Rhapsody]

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almostangela said:
This is a very thought provoking thread.

Is content not the same as happy?

Just my thoughts on the concept of contentment, or am I missing something else that you are trying to convey?

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The concept was not so much on contentment, but rather on being content (settling).
Are you just content in the relationship or are you really truly HAPPY within the relationship...... meaning do you just settle for what you got (just being content) or are you in love and happy in your present relationship / marriage?

.... it is sad, but many people are just content in their relationships, for it is better than nothing at all - being alone, and yet if both parties try - they can both be HAPPY (a better place of being) with in a relationship.

....... True HAPPINESS!!!

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[almostangela]

I knew I must be missing something. What you are referring to is in being so settled that you are stuck in a rut and it's not so great. (did I get it right this time?) I was married for 20 years and I know what that feels like. I learned that you can try to pump sunshine up your butt all you want, but if the other person doesn't try to make it better too, it is futile. I do beleive that if you introduce a different atmosphere (like an unusual vacation) it can add a level of excitement that opens you both to new experiences that you can explore and find that joy again. However, the risk is that the other person doesn't want to play and it winds up being a catastrophy and makes matters worse.

[Wants2Fly]

A spiritual mentor once told me that seeking happiness was futile, because happi-ness comes from the same root word as happenstance. It makes our feeling dependent on having outer circumstances go our way -- and we have no control over them.

She suggested that joy is what we are really seeking. Being a woman of faith, she believes that joy wells up from our oneness with . . . well, each of us must fill in that blank according to our own beliefs.

Thus, I would rather have contentment than happiness. To me, happiness means that I am looking for my Other to be and do what I want him to. Contentment is empowering, because to me it represents inner peace.

[tiodlliwi]

Wants2Fly, I couldn't have said it better myself- that is excellently put! While I do understand why this question was posted, I think this is the kind of dangerous thinking that leads people quick to divorce or think that what they have is not "good enough". You even mentioned that you were watching a movie and it made you think of that question. That is why sometimes I despise romantic movies, romance novels, etc. I heard recently that the reason (probably one of many!) that Jessica Simpson divorced her husband was because she watched "The Notebook" and realized that they didn't connect like that.

I'm definately not advocating staying with someone if you're unhappy But I do agree with Wants2Fly- to say we need someone else to make us "happy" is a dangerous game to play and we are setting ourselves up for failure. Maybe being content and comfortable can feel a little boring every now again- that's okay- that's when you put in a little effort. Here are two fitting cliches to end on:

The grass is always greener... AND
If it aint' broke...

[jlove973]

Content to me is like being comfortable in a relationship. With that whatever works attitude. Just settling for whats there. Feeling as if you can't do any better or that you don't want to be alone forever so that's where you settle for second best so to speak. Being separate as apposed to being as one with the other person. (Settling is the main word I think of when I think of being content)

Happy to me is like being excited and experiencing new things and really enjoying ones company with passion, love, and feeling of wanting a life partner with honesty, trust, and all the good things in life. Wanting to see them everyday yearning to here their voice over the phone or in the room. The comfort of their touch and just knowing that you have that feeling of belonging. There, then, now, and forever. Being as one.

Now me I feel as if I am in the middle. What is the middle you may ask?

LOST

[tiodlliwi]

Yeah, we're all in the middle, I think. Your description of happiness is great- I just really am not sure that is attainable on an every day basis. I don't stay with my husband because I don't want to be alone, I stay with him because I love him, he is my family and my best friend. Do I long to hear his voice or feel his touch? No, not all the time. And there are some days, I can't stand to hear his voice!!! haha Not often, but realistically, I don't think any relationship is as glorious as you describe.

Maybe I'm wrong... If so, I'm screwed, I guess.

[Rhapsody]

Ok - let ME try again.....

What I am trying to convey is that...... many people are just going through life and/ or a relationship just being content with what they have or were they are in life and love (even though they are not happy - often lacking joy with the over all out come) - they remain being nothing more than just content within matters of the heart... thus they are missing out on being HAPPY - having JOY.

Does that make better since..... please know that the word content I am using here does not hold the same meaning as the word contentment - at least not in what I am trying to express it.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Example: Like staying in a loveless marriage... you remian in it for you are content with the financial and emotional security the marriage gives unto you and the children - yet deep inside you desire more - to be HAPPY and to be filled with JOY when you are sharing your life and heart with another

[Perna]

I think I found this definition for you Rhapsody :-)

"satisfy in a limited way; "He contented himself with one glass of beer per day"

http://wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn?s=content

I think it's hard to judge anyone else's marriage/love life as we're not there 24/7 and over the years, etc. so don't know the smaller nuiances. But given your definition, I'd have to say I'm "happy." Why am I happy instead of merely content? My husband gives me room to "develop" and cheers me on but doesn't "expect" anything of me, merely appreciates me. We let one another "be" the people we are and don't get in one another's sun but try to water each other.

We have shared jokes/points of view and if we're apart we're curious about what the other has seen/done while we've been apart; even if it's only with his being up in the office and me down here at the dining room table! I love to think of little presents/surprises for him, often bring him some little thing if I go shopping alone (or even with him at the grocery store as he is not very observant :-) and he'll read aloud to me if I ask, while I rub his damaged foot that hurts him often. We "share" our lives together and that makes me happy. I like warmth and sharing and I guess he does too :-)

[SeptemberMorn]

You hit it right on the head for me, Wants2!! I heard the very same thing in church a long time ago and couldn't quite recall it to my satisfaction! Kudos and thanks to you!

Yes, "happiness" is dependent on "happenings" which are transient. But if you are Content with your life and yourself, then there's more room for good "happenings."

To me, Contentment and Settling are two different things. If I am Content, I'm at peace. I made this choice. If I Settle, then I'm giving up some of my choices. I always taught my kids to Not Settle but to go for their heart's desire.

There was a time that I was content. It was a Very Good, Comfortable feeling!

[Wants2Fly]

Thank you for starting this interesting thread. I am enjoying comparing ideas and experiences with others here. I have been collecting ideas about this for about 30 years.

I like the point Tiodlliwi brought up about the media selling us this pot of goo about what love and romance is supposed to be. I really believe that we can drive ourselves nuts and ruin good relationships by striving for unrealistic images of what a relationship is supposed to be.

I've just finished the unit on communication and relationships with my students, using a book by Dr. Julia Wood, Communication in Our Lives.

Each of us is driven by sets of competing desires that are part of being human animals:

<ul type="square">[*]connection/autonomy [*]novelty/predictability [*]openness/closedness[/list]
Example 1, connection/autonomy: I just love my girlfriend so much, except don't ask me to give up poker night with the guys.

Example 2, novelty/predictability: At the beginning of the relationship, it's all novelty and excitement, but part of that comes from not knowing what's going to happen and how it's going to work out -- but what we really want is the predictability of knowing that you're not going to leave me if you see someone more attractive, I get sick, lose my job, etc.

For an article about why the honeymoon period, when it's all excitement, passion and novelty, has to end, see AskMen.com

Example 3, openness/closedness: I can share anything with my beloved. What? You read my email? How dare you violate my privacy?

Another quotation that comes to mind in this patchwork quilt of my thoughts is a quotation from Dr. Bernie Siegel, the Love, Medicine, and Miracles author. I'm going to have to paraphrase it, because I can't remember the exact years involved, but it went something like this:

My wife and I have been happily married for 25 years, and that's not bad out of 32.

I'm not encouraging anyone to stay in a desperate relationship. However, I honestly believe that there is something to gain from staying together through the hard parts and the boring parts and the times you thought of leaving and didn't. It builds character to keep the promises and commitments we made. If we wander through the desert for a while, we have a chance to come through to another side where we really understand a deeper meaning of love through sacrifice.

When we speak of the passion of Christ, for example -- and I am not speaking as someone with any particular religious ax to grind but only as a scholar of mythological literatures from various cultures -- we are not speaking about the kind of erotic passion that the popular media equate with love and romance. We are speaking of sacrifice and suffering for the sake of love -- and a much deeper, richer variety of love. It's not popular to speak of suffering for love -- and by suffering, I don't mean the battered woman who stays with a bully. I mean staying with the hard-working guy who gets a little bit boring, but who holds you in his eyes with love and never forgets your birthday.

I'm not persuaded that you can get to that deeper place of joyful, contented love by being happy, happy, happy all the time.

Any more thoughts about this?

[jlove973]

[Talulah]

I understand perfectly what you're saying and have been at that part of my life and in a relationship where I was content but not really feeling the joy or happiness that I could.

I learned, for me, for relationships anyway, never to settle. If I'm unhappy, and if she's unhappy, we need to open the lines of communication and just be honest and say so.

I shall never trap anyone in the guise of content even if it's..... well.......contentment that they feel because to me, it's not enough. But for some, being content is as good as it gets. For me, I need contentment AND joy to coexist.

[SeptemberMorn]

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For me, I need contentment AND joy to coexist.

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I believe that contentment comes from joy deep within. I picture myself content again and I see my face with a smile on it.

Joy is abiding. Happiness, again, depends on happenings or happenstance.

[50guy]

I've been married for 34 years. My wife and me are good friends. We are close most of the time. I have been madly in love with her some years and some years just love. I have also been just content to stay with her when the feelings were getting dim.
For me it is about commitment and keeping your vows. It is not always easy and sometimes I don't feel like it's fun anymore but, after some time passes I remember the good things we have together like our 2 children and 6 Grandchildren.
I don't want to give up all of what I have just to satisfy my own selfishness. Besides that I don't want to start over again with someone else. Once this marriage is over through the death of either one of us, we know that we will not marry again. Till them I am happy to be with her and she with me.

[Rhapsody]

- - - -

[Wants2Fly]

Thanks 50guy for saying in a few words of wise experience what I was trying to say. Only I can't speak from experience because the longest I've been with a man is 50 years, not by my choice, by his. I honor you and your marriage. Bravo!