Hate my mother...hate myself: can't decide

Sometimes its both, sometimes one or the other. I hate my mother because I hate myself and she's the person who made me this way. Or I hate my mother because I feel she hasn't loved me for myself ever since I developed opinions that differ from hers. Or I hate myself and force myself to forgive her for everything, for her repressed anger growing up, her denial of her past when she had panic attacks and anxiety, her refusal to help me in certain ways.
I have to qualify this and say: I make my mom out to be far worse than she actually is. I live with her, she works to support me, she supported my artistic side, got me into reading and cooking.
That said, I have always been the third, fourth, fifth wheel in her life (with my two brothers in the picture), and now she's happily partnered and living her life and believes I'm self sufficient emotionally so that we don't really have to work on our relationship. So, I resent her and I think she condescends to me. Probably the only temporary solution will be for me to move out and be economically independent until she can respect me as an individual.
I know this hatred towards her, this anger is misplaced, and it comes out of frustration with my depression, my social fears and lack, therefore, of a social life etc... I just want her to see me sometimes, and I think that I've been around so long that she's just used to not seeing me. I feel like I have to shout to be heard (which is ironic, as deafness runs in our family).
I've had enough breakdowns to know that nothing I do will make her wake up and decide to do something different with me. Actually, the only thing she changed was when I specifically asked her to hug me if I was crying rather than sit coldly across the room. She really hugged me the last time I cried. I almost couldn't believe it.
Should I ask for more? Do I even deserve more? She's always been pretty fragile emotionally... she takes it personally when us kids are miserable...

Umm, I rather thought individuals were responsible for their own happiness once they grow up. Therefore I wonder, without in any way, shape or form dismissing your own concerns or problems, if it entirely appropriate for you to blame your mother or yourself for each other's unhappiness?

I went through a similar phase, but I very carefully hid this from my mother, after all what can she do? She has her own problems and she had me when she was very young, hardly more than a child herself from my present perspective, so she did as well as she could given her inexperience and immaturity.

Nowadays I don't tell her my problems, but I do counsel her as best I can on her worries and concerns as she comes to the end of her life.

I hate my parents and don't care what people think those are my true feelings. My mom ruined my life (all of our lives) growing up, a useless, lousy dead beat *****, producing kids to keep a man around yet people tell me she "deserves credit" for being our mom. Nope, a ***** like that doesn't deserve **** as far as I am concern!

I know my ex-therapist said to me that I am responsible for my happiness and not to blame them. I said you didn't take care of your kids, you put us at harm, barely any food in the house only took us to the doctors when you felt like it, was never there physically, emotionally, and spiritually, treat your daughters like they are sluts/*****s, tell your daughters that this is how a marriage works by being abused etc, do I really need to go on? This is taught behavior to your children, so who's fault is it? Seriously, there's no accountability on the parents part at all always the victim who has to make **** right.

Anyway, if you move out, I doubt she may respect you as an individual. I am still trying to move but still don't have enough money as I am still looking for a 2nd job. Once I move, I know I won't be respected at all period! Not respected int he home what makes people think I will be respected paying my own way? My brother gets the respect not the daughters.

You seem pretty aware of your situation. Once you move out and have your own life will you care whether you are respected or not? Will you then be able to put this trauma behind you and make your own future? I hope so, it seems a pity to make your own life miserable over a situation that is not of your making and beyond your control.

I think this is a good idea though i'm not sure why you only consider it a temporary option?

I think very few families can live together permanently...in fact the only way i could get by without destroying mine was to move out.

Both you and your mum deserve a life outside of each other. That doesn't mean you can't be close but i think you'll give each other the best chance of mutual respect if you allow for space and independence.