Is this insane?

Hi, i got into trouble i guess, and dont know what to do. please i would greatly appreciate any thought/advice.

History:
there's this guy from another country i met online in 2001. i slowly fell in love with him and after a while, i told him. he didnt feel the same at first but then after a while he said he fell in love with me too and we started fantasizing about getting together (this all happened in a few years). talking about love with him was easy because we were so far away and because our relationship has always been more about fantasy than reality: we could go on for months without speaking to each other in any form (calls, missed calls, emails, chat, texts), then exchange a text or two saying how much we loved each other and we wished we were closer, and then again not hearing from each other for months. except for the first year we met, where we were emailing eachother daily, the rest of our relationship has been like this. talking a bit for a couple of times a year.

in 2011 he flew to my country and we met in person for the first time. he stayed a couple of days. nothing romantic happened, not even a kiss, even if we both confessed to each other later that we did think about it. after he got back to his country everything got back to normal, and we restarted hearing from each other casually a couple of times a year. sometimes it was him disappearing, sometimes it was me not answering to him.

this year though, thanks to whatsup, we got back in touch and got to talk a little more. we talked about living together, getting married, having kids... but it was all a fantasy/game for me. one part of me really does love him, the other part thinks he is crazy, he is unreliable and too touchy. not to mention we still live in different countries and we barely actually speak to each other. before this spring, i didnt even know he was living on his own or where...

Now:
last month, after he texted me and came back in my life after 4 months of being missing, i told him i loved him but didnt like him disappearing like that, for so long and without explanations. after that, every once in a while he texted me, called me and made missed calls but i never answered again. i completely ignored him because i was offended he left me wondering whether he was even alive or not, and this morning i got a text where he said he talked with his family that we want to get married and they said they are happy about it and they love me too.

this doesnt seem a game/joke anymore. it seems serious to me, he told his family. my family has met him when he came to my country and they like him, but i never told them we were fantasizing about getting married. it was more a fantasy than reality to me, even though there have been times i did seriously consider it. but we never even kissed. isnt this crazy?

what do i do? i am tempted to say while he was gone i got a new bf, but a part of me doesnt want to lose him... not that he's that present in my life but... what if it could really work with him? i think he is crazy, it is all in his mind and fantasies, he doesnt really love me because he barely knows me anymore and the same goes for me about him, but after all these years he does know me more than most people, he knows my past, my secrets, my problems...what if it could really work and im throwing it away out of fear? not that i got many other chances with other guys, you know... actually im feeling quite hopeless in that field. i am 32. Single, lonely. what if this is my only chance?

what do you think? what should i do, say or even think and feel? im so confused!

Thanks for any help!

I think you need to disconnect from him completely. To be honest i'm not sure how it even got to this stage for you both - did you at no point discuss what your true intentions were? It seems bizarre that this level of contact between two adult people didn't actually include any serious talk about what your relationship actually meant or how you really felt about each other. To be honest it sounds as though you don't actually know each other that well...i mean only talking a few times year and one actual visit? I'm not sure how that's suitable grounds for marriage.

I would reevaluate what online friendships/relationships can actually give you and if you're serious about marriage etc. focus on finding someone you can actually meet with and get to know properly. Don't rush into something out of desperation. If you have to move to him or he has to come to you things could become extremely messy - why even do any of that if he's just randomly decided he wants to marry you without any lengthy discussion on the matter? Move on and allow this person time to realize that in a civilized world marriages and relationships are serious and can't be decided on whim.

I agree with the above response. You should let this go, there are so many other men out there- why waste any more time on one that isn't even in the same country? He sounds flaky and indecisive too, those aren't traits you want in a partner, be with someone who wants to be with you not who choses when it's convenient for them. Focus on yourself right now and realize you will find a healthy mutually fullfilling relationship, with someone who is at least within a short drive away! I don't discourage long distance relationships because I do believe they can work with two willing strong partners, but when one is half in/half out- it will not work. The fact that you guys never had a talk about how you each felt and where you could see this going is the first issue, and you don't even relaly know each other that well. I'm telling you the irst 6-9 months of any relationship is when you will see their representative, after that is when the real person comes out and it is then you will be able to determine if the relationship works for you. Right now in your situation, you haven't even had that 6-9 months together to get to kno each other. Move on, you will find better- someone who isn't so indecisive and on their time!

Thank you. im a bit surprised by your answers, but i guess i needed a reality check. i'll think about it some more and i'll let you know how it goes.
if anyone has anything to add i'll appreciate it.
Thanks!

You and him started this thing in 2001and here it is 2014 <~~ that right there should be a huge screaming red flag .. Honestly the "type" of LTR you have with him is unrealistic on every level.

I think you know the right thing to do. Use logic not your heart and you will be fine.

There are so many men that live around you that are going to stick around and not go silent for months like this weird guy.

Take care

Crazier things have happened. People meet, fall in love and get married in a couple of years.....then get divorced within a month. Point being that there's no guarantees...

At least you both know each other very well....

I would agree with all the reality checks above. An online long distance relationship is just a fantasy. That's what you're afraid of losing. Fear of missing out. But what would you be missing? He could actually be married back home with a ton of kids and a mountain of debt and is just using you to escape his current situation. He could have a criminal background or all sorts if problems that have been hidden. I would stay FAR away from this guy even though you 'know' him, you don't because getting to know someone in person over a long time is hard enough before you live together. Trying to do it long distance is even harder to judge. I think you're in love with the thought of the whole thing. If you're not in therapy, I would begin with doing so to explore your own relationship status and look at guys less flaky and more closer to home. Good luck! ️

Thanks. i think you all are right, its all fantasy and we dont really know each other, but it feels like we do, you know?

The thing is, the closest i've ever been to feeling in love, it was with him. he says he loves me and accepts all of me, as i am. i cant say this of any other guy i've ever met. i dont think i am lovable, but he makes me feel loved. even if in a incostant way. so at times, it all feels real to me.

he may not be reliable, but in a way he's been part of my life for 13 years. he learned my language, i learned a bit his.... i still listen to "his" songs... and i guess this will sound crazy too, but all along, he had girlfriends (i guess) and i had a couple of boyfriends (that i didnt love), but still we played this "game".

i guess i never realized how seriously he took the whole thing. i used to think about it as a dream... i used to tell him so, that it was just a dream but during this last year i let myself get caught in this dream and by his fantasies... it felt good.

anyway, i told him we need to talk, really talk. i feel i owe at least this to him and to myself too. when we'll talk, i'll try to stay grounded to reality.

any suggestion on what we should talk about and clarify?

Perhaps just be honest and reiterate what you've written here. Disappearing for a few months at a time, doesn't quite qualify as carrying on a long distance relationship, never mind him just dumping on you, his plans to marry you.
And plus, there's mention of having a bf?
I often wonder how much pressure is placed on 'missed opportunities' , where 'love/the one' is concerned.
Granted, he may know things about you, that others don't, that doesn't necessarily translate to marriage, in my humble opinion.
Plus, the little red flag, that this thread mentioned in calling him crazy, a couple of times? Does he have a hot temper or some such??

Making distance a local reality involves many things. The hot and cold nature of this, doesn't bode well. Why now? Why not back when you'd met?