[roseblossom]

I sent my ex-husband a text to ask him if he was free to meet this week. He rang me back and said that he was busy for most of this week with appointments and because his wife's father was staying with him.

It was ok up to that point.

He then said that he had sent several texts to our adult son who hadn't replied and he said that he assumed everything was ok. I said to him that it might not be ok - that people sometimes didn't respond because they were upset or angry, not just because they were busy. I don't know if our son is, but I wanted to let him know that really it's best to check.

He then asked me what it was I wanted to talk to him about so that he knows before we meet (and he sounded as if he was in a rush). I said to him that I wasn't going to talk to him about it before we met. I started to feel angry for the following reasons .....

1. Since he met his wife several years ago, he let me know that he didn't want to keep in touch with me so much, which I understood, but this progressed to him not wanting to keep in touch at all but not being honest about it - he would just make excuses about being busy, although he later said that he didn't think it was fair on his wife if we remained in touch.

2. He has told me that he is now leaving everything in his Will to his new wife, and nothing to our adult son which I think that our son will find really hurtful (his new wife is only 10 years older than our son). I have mentioned this before here on another thread.

3. Our son had wanted to return home from university for a weekend to stay at home with his dad, but was told that he couldn't stay because his dad's new wife's father was there and the father doesn't apparently know that our son exists. This is a father who was abusive towards my ex-'s wife when she was growing up - my ex and her have had several holidays staying at his home but I had no idea that they hadn't told him that my ex has a son. I had wondered why they hadn't invited our son with them - incidentally my ex actually took his sisters to see his wife's father at one point.

4. I wanted to talk to my ex about something sensitive and didn't want to talk about it over the phone - it was about emotional abuse and emotional neglect because I think it has happened to our son. I had found a book which I thought could be really helpful and wanted to let him know. (Incidentally I could also be helpful for his wife).

I also wanted to talk to him about the fact that I thought it was unfair of him and his wife on our son, to have told him he couldn't come home, just so that his wife's father could stay - that they were treading on eggshells for him, but overlooking the fact that our son still needed to know that it was his home too.

Anyway, he said that he didn't want to meet unless he knew what we would be talking about. I didn't want to go into all that in a telephone call whilst other people were listening and while he was busy and I felt that he was being unreasonable in expecting to know everything I wanted to communicate when I had already told him that I wanted to meet, so I put down the phone.

I know that I didn't handle this all that well, but does anyone have any idea what it would be best to do now?

[catastrophic]

In all honesty... You concentrate on you relationship with your son. And just leave him to live his life - if it doesn't work out that he's going to hurt his son himself he's not going to change he will just think your meddling.

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[hvert]

I would just stay out of this. Your son and ex are adults - they need to handle their own relationship issues.

I can see both sides. I can see why you would be upset that he doesn't want to meet, but I can also understand why he wouldn't want to meet you without knowing why.

[roseblossom]

Thanks for taking the time to read my OP and for your advice - it's appreciated and it's caused me think about how I relate to my ex in future.

[Rainydaiz]

Just another thought- I'm my husbands 'new' wife. We will leave everything to each other in our will because all we really have is a house. Everything of ours is joint. If we were to leave it to my husband's children I'd become homeless. When the second one of us dies it goes half to his children and half to my family. So they will get something eventually. Also, I put the equity from my own house into our joint house, as did my husband. So the house we own is equally ours. That's why it will go half to my family and half to his.
Sorry that you're having a hard time with this. I hope things will improve for you all. Best wishes.

[roseblossom]

Originally Posted by Rainydaiz

Just another thought- I'm my husbands 'new' wife. We will leave everything to each other in our will because all we really have is a house. Everything of ours is joint. If we were to leave it to my husband's children I'd become homeless. When the second one of us dies it goes half to his children and half to my family. So they will get something eventually. Also, I put the equity from my own house into our joint house, as did my husband. So the house we own is equally ours. That's why it will go half to my family and half to his.
Sorry that you're having a hard time with this. I hope things will improve for you all. Best wishes.

Thanks for your post Rainydaiz. I appreciate what you are saying, however the situation differed in that my ex already had a two bedroomed property when he met his new wife - she did not contribute any savings. They then went on to buy a three bed property together based on their joint income using the profit from the two bed. He has decided to leave her this, plus a pension that he has. An additional factor is that he was only able to get his two bed by receiving money from a property I had, because his name was on the mortgage although actually he did not pay towards it (at the time we were separating and in order to get a mortgage I had needed someone to co-sign it). I wasn't well when this property was sold and thought that legally I had to give him half the profit, but the reality was that he hadn't paid into it.
On top of this, my father also helped him financially in the past at a time when he had a higher income.

So, overall I think that it would be the right thing for him to pass on to our son something - given that his wife could still live very comfortably in a smaller home - especially when our son has very little family support from anywhere else, whereas his wife has an extended family.

However, I realise I can't decide what he does. I've tried to express my concerns to him over our son's feelings at being excluded, but so far he has been defensive. The fact that he has now arranged for his wife's father to stay, without telling the father that he even has a son and preventing our son from returning home, just seems to me to be emotional cruelty on his and his wife's part, although I think there could be some degree of ignorance.

[Rainydaiz]

I did wonder if there might be different circumstances. It sounds a very frustrating and upsetting situation for you - I'm sorry. Wishing you well.

I am so sorry for this. I will say, though that my opinion is that if it doesn't have anything to do with your son, then it's not something you can discuss with him because you are no longer married. And any opinions you have about who they have in their home, you kinda have to keep to yourself. In fact it would be better if you tried to not let it affect you at all.

As far as your son goes, he IS an adult and he can come to his own conclusions about what kind of father he has.

I agree with you on the seeming unfairness of the will, but again, that's an opinion and, from your ex's point of view, anything in a will is a gift, not a right. He can choose who he wants to leave it to.

I'm so sorry it's frustrating to you.

[~Christina]

I know all these things hurt and worry you, but it's all out of your hands. Your ex can leave whatever to whom ever. Hes your Ex, he really doesn't have to tell you his wishes, I actually think he should have never told you what his wishes were. I would advise you to not tell your son any of these things.. You don't need to be in the middle of that at all. Hopefully your Ex will talk to his son about such matters.

Just focus on the relationship you have with your Son.

I'm sorry your having all this to deal with.