[angmh1213]

I have been in relationship with a man for 8 yrs to whom I love but am not in love with. We recently broke up for a few months and I started seeing a man that I have feelings for, for many years. This new man also has had feelings for me. We dated for awhile and things were great, then I found out my ex was seeing someone else and I fought to get him back. Then things were good for a short time and now I am unhappy again. I screwed up things with the man that I actually have true feelings for to be with a man that was familiar. How does this make any sense? Do I love being miserable? I do want to be happy and I do know that I have issues and would love suggestions as to what the hell is wrong with me.

[Little Lulu]

Have you even asked yourself if you are looking to a relationship to make you happy or feel safe? We all need relationships but when to expect them to fill the 'hole in our soul' they go afoul. Maybe being alone for a while to do some self-exploration would be good for you. Just a thought to consider ...

[indygerry]

Do you have any abandonment issues?

The only reason I ask is because a lot of times when we have been in a past relationship where we develop a strong attachement to the other person and then that person up and leaves, or hurts us in some unfathomable way it can leave a deep wound that takes a long time to heal.

In many cases where this has happened you will often find yourself having a hard time allowing yourself to get close to a new person, or when you do, you will instinctively pull away or self sabotage to 'protect' yourself. It's like beating them to the punch-- you kill the relationship so that you don't have to relive or remember the trauma from the past.

I don't think you want yourself to be miserable. I don't think anyone truly wants to be miserable.

The other thing that comes to mind is that maybe both of these relationships were simply not the 'right' ones. And when you jumped out of the first for the second and then realised the second wasn't everything you hoped it to be you reverted to wanting the first relationship. In this scenario, it would seem to me that maybe there might be some wisdom in stepping back, and doing an evaluation with yourself about what you are looking for and wanting from a relationship-- the type of characteristics you want in a partner and how you want to be able to feel in that relationship. Do this evaluation completely in isolation of any previous relationships. The goal is not to compare and contract but to create and define a relationship completely brand new and from the ground up using your own constraints.

There are plenty of fish in the sea. Spend some time with yourself, learn to love your self and understand yourself and this will help you know what kind of bait you need to rig your line with.

[mommaxo]

I know I stayed with a guy I was unhappy with because It was comfortable. The thought of moving out on my own, having my own place, sleeping alone at night terrified me. We finally broke things off, as much as I miss having someone to be close to, and all the good relationship stuff. I realized I'm better off now on my own. I'm not relying on anyone else to make me happy, I'm starting to figure my way around the city, and I'm starting to meet new people. I'm working on myself. sabotaging your own happiness by depending on a guy will lead you no where in life. it's just another form of self destruction. You should be with someone who makes you happy, someone who's crazy about you. Don't settle for any less, just because that's what your used to. I think it's time for you to move on, and be on your own, and make yourself happy.

[hamster-bamster]

I think you miscategorized the reason for your going back to the first guy. It is not that he was familiar. It is that you felt challenged by his seeing someone else, and, as you aptly said, "FOUGHT to get him back". Now the question is - was the fight worth it?

So you are not sabotaging yourself and no, you do not love being miserable - you simply love winning more than you love being happy. You removed the new woman from the familiar man's life (at least for now) - that was your win. It made you content for awhile, but not for too long. If you look at it calmly and consider how much you are paying for the victory, you just might realize that your personal happiness is worth more to you than making that other woman lose. Think along those lines - just very calmly, without any guilt - and see what makes most sense for you.

[mommaxo]

Originally Posted by indygerry

Do you have any abandonment issues?

The only reason I ask is because a lot of times when we have been in a past relationship where we develop a strong attachement to the other person and then that person up and leaves, or hurts us in some unfathomable way it can leave a deep wound that takes a long time to heal.

In many cases where this has happened you will often find yourself having a hard time allowing yourself to get close to a new person, or when you do, you will instinctively pull away or self sabotage to 'protect' yourself. It's like beating them to the punch-- you kill the relationship so that you don't have to relive or remember the trauma from the past.

I don't think you want yourself to be miserable. I don't think anyone truly wants to be miserable.

The other thing that comes to mind is that maybe both of these relationships were simply not the 'right' ones. And when you jumped out of the first for the second and then realised the second wasn't everything you hoped it to be you reverted to wanting the first relationship. In this scenario, it would seem to me that maybe there might be some wisdom in stepping back, and doing an evaluation with yourself about what you are looking for and wanting from a relationship-- the type of characteristics you want in a partner and how you want to be able to feel in that relationship. Do this evaluation completely in isolation of any previous relationships. The goal is not to compare and contract but to create and define a relationship completely brand new and from the ground up using your own constraints.

There are plenty of fish in the sea. Spend some time with yourself, learn to love your self and understand yourself and this will help you know what kind of bait you need to rig your line with.

you are very wise