[Lost513]

It has been a couple of months now, and I know it is still fresh, but I need to get past this. I am losing my mind. My husband smokes, and tries to hide it, and I asked him if he smoked in the car. I knew he did, but he lied, and said no. This made me blow up. With everything else going on why not just tell the ****ing truth???? It is so stupid to lie at all why about something this small??Then of course this all boiled up, and made me freak out bring up his affair, and I left crying had to pull over in a vacant place, and just SCREAM! What can I do???

[Maimster123]

Deep breaths.. I know you're situation sucks. I'm in a marriage that is moving forward from infidelity also, except I was the person who stepped out. It's been a little less than a year and we still occasionally have our outs about it.
We started marriage counseling, among other therapy for myself. We both had to decide if it was worth it to our own selves before we could begin to get past it.

I think it's crucial that he be as honest about everything as he possibly can and understand that the tiniest fib may be a deal breaker on your part. I know it sounds corny but getting a poster board and writing out the deal breakers for you both helps that way your expectations are crystal clear.

Do you feel he's still trustworthy?

[hamster-bamster]

Please don't ask him this question again. If the car stinks, you know the answer - no need to ask. If the car does not stink, then the question is not needed. There is no new information you can draw out of him by asking - the smell of the car tells you everything already. Since your husband feels guilty, and since he is in the habit of hiding smoking anyway, that question was like testing whether he'd lie... you put him in position of a schoolboy who is hiding his pranks or cheat sheets from his teacher. It was as if you had a huge pile of very dry hay and one lit matchstick was enough to set it ablaze. The pile was huge and very dry from infidelity and the matchstick was the question about smoking. The situation is so volatile that avoiding such touchy subjects for awhile would be best. Also, he most likely lied to you on autopilot - since he was in the habit of HIDING his smoking, as you wrote, his default setting was not telling the truth (hiding is similar to not telling the truth).

There is nothing you did wrong, but if you can avoid this issue in the NEAR future, that would be best. Once the dust settles, the issue of smoking can be revisited, but right now is an awfully bad time to talk about smoking.

That you had a good scream is good - hopefully it was cathartic for you and him. Don't view screaming as a failure - the steam had to find a way out.