I don't know where else to put this. My mom has fallen several times the last few years. I'm afraid now these aren't "falls" but possibly pushes by my dad.
I don't want to jump to crazy conclusions, but I'm basing this on a lot of history and my sisters thoughts as well. She doesn't think it has happened as far as I know but thinks it is a possibility to happen in the near future.

He still, when we are around, seems to put up with the negativity, depression, anxiety she has, and now Alzheimer's. I know as a little child I have very few memories of him choking or holding her up against the wall, or throwing things and becoming furious. I think there was a lot more violence than I can remember because my sister doesn't touch the subject much but has told me there was more than I know.

I just don't know what to do to help her. She called me a while ago, and pretends to joke about her fall. She wanted to know whether I thought tylenol or advil was better, because earlier in the day I told her something to reduce inflammation was better than tylenol. She clearly hasn't got a really horrible memory, she remembers a lot of things. My dad will tell me it is not so.
I don't believe it. I think he want's people to think her memory is worse than it is.

What makes me think it is my dad that did it, was she was calling to him, asking him something, and then said "dad can't hear me". Then I asked her, so when you fell, were you alone? She said, a long list of things that were going on around there and mentioned dad was angry about getting milk but she rambled really fast. She then said "don;t worry about me, you just worry about yourself".... I told her I think more deeply about it, just trying to hint to her that she could talk to me. I guess at her age she would never admit to being abused?? She didn't when she was younger so why would she now?

Sorry for the vent, I don't know what answers to get. If I had a vehicle I would be able to drop in on them and check up. My dad has the finances to help me for the last few years to co-sign for a loan for a car, but keeps saying he can't do it. Lately he is giving in on the idea. I think it is getting to him to take care of my frail mother. He also mentions the nursing home, but then says "mom would go totally bezerk there" and I truly want to believe that he doesn't want to see mom go through more anguish. He has mentioned he wanted to buy a home very near me. I think he needs help. Most of the time my mother calls and says dad isn't in the house and she wonders what he is doing. He is probably avoiding her but it isn't good for her to be so alone when she has Alzheimers

Other than that, who else could I call, to maybe look into things? Would that be a possibility? Maybe a neighbour, or church friend, but most of their friends have passed on.

Well I'm thinking it through and I can't think of how to find out what is really going on.

[hvert]

I am sorry, that is a very difficult situation. I don't have a lot of experience in this. I have a few ideas:

Could you directly ask your father if your mother is too much for him to handle? Perhaps he wants help buying the house near you or finding a senior living arrangement?

If that doesn't go well or isn't a possibility, I would look for agencies in your parents state that deal with aging. Maybe DHS. An Alzheimer's support group or advocacy group. Tell them that you think your father can't handle your mother anymore and ask them to evaluate. Someone must do that, right? Could you call your mother's doctor and ask them to recommend a visit from a nursing agency?

Alzheimer's can do some really strange things to people. I just watched a neighbor's husband live his last year with early onset Alzheimers and he became a different person. He remembered quite a bit, forgot a lot, but his personality seemed to change sometimes. Maybe your mother is being abused, maybe she isn't. I think you are right that you are not going to know for sure based on what she says.

Hello hvert, thanks for helping.
So, asking my dad, I kind of do get a feel for how he handles things. I asked him last week when he came to my town to get things, how he is handling the stress. They were getting a visit from my sister so my mom gets very stressed about things. He laughed it off, and said mom is very hard to handle but he'll take it one day at a time. He said it runs in streaks, she'll have a few days where she seems like herself, and then she is looking for things and can't remember where they are, or forgets her son isn't married anymore. He can be insensitive about it.

Alzheimer's, I don't know if it was diagnosed properly or they are just basing it on symptoms. But she is not the same person. I was in an abusive relationship, got out of it a few years ago..... tried to fix it, long story, but up until a few months ago she knew and remembered all of it. She now is calling my ex and wishing him happy birthdays and calling on our son's birthday to him and acting like my ex is a good human being. That is NOT her. She knew, and knew better than me that I should get as far away from him as possible.

I guess I'll google something and keep trying to figure it out. I don't know what DHS is. I don't want her alone with him if he is hurting her.

I've offered to go along for doctor visits, but because my dad doesn't want me to, that isn't an option. What bothers me is my sister lives 1000 miles away and has power of attorney I think but what can she do, and she kind of made it clear she is in a very resentful state with my mom and doesn't like her. She and I got in an argument over the phone a while ago, and was saying "mom is aggressive, and she's going to end up in the nursing home someday and probably beat the sh t out of someone there" It is like she doesn't care and I could see it this past weekend, she said "mom is so irritating, I try to talk to dad and she gets mad, etc." She also tells my mom to shut up when she is talking. I feel like no one is going to stand up for my mom.

Why this is bothering me now so much, is because of my sister's visit. She is the one that got my mom to go to a psychiatrist years ago, and they immediately took her drivers license away. My mom seemed to be so isolated, and relies on my dad to get out. She pretends she doesn't want to go out. I don't know, my mind is racing lately so I should just stop... sorry if anyone bothers to read all this. Just don't know. I'm going to lose them both sometime in the near future maybe and I want their last years to be better.