[Twickenham500]

After two and a half years avoiding men I met a guy I really like who lives a 13 hour plane ride away. We met at a work event for one night really hit it off, then met up again for 3 nights a month later in a hotel in Europe. Its now a month after and we plan to meet again in around 4 weeks. We are in daily contact, more via texting than talking though, which I miss as it makes me feel detached from him more than talking would.

Problem is that I stupidly got very drunk and had a one night stand which I feel really bad about. I think it was just that I was missing him so much and needed the human contact. I wasn't thinking straight though and I regret it. Problem is should I tell him. We get on so well I don't want to feel I have secrets from him, but would I only be telling him to make myself feel better. Its so early on does it matter, or am I worrying unduly?

[kaliope]

hi twickenham
are you exclusive? have you discussed this hot dating other people? can you live with not telling him? I don't see that you owe him an explanation at this point in your relationship. it is just whether you can live with the guilt or will it go away. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[Yoda]

Since you are so far apart and don't seem to be in an exclusive relationship I would say don't tell him.

[hamster-bamster]

I agree with Yoda and Kaliope.

I don't think that you should tell him now. later maybe, you will see, but not now. I don't think that you are worrying unduly, but do think that you are worrying about a wrong thing. Since you don't want repeats, you need to be worrying about avoiding repeats. In your case if seems that simply avoiding getting very drunk will preclude repeats. So the more you think through what got you in the state of being so very drunk, the easier it will be for you to develop a plan of how to not get so drunk. Of course, make sure you did not get STI's - after two weeks since the one night stand, you can already get tested for the most common STI's (if you did not use condoms, and since you were very drunk, you may not remember whether you did, so I am mentioning it). You have 4 weeks ahead of you - enough time to get reassurance that you did not pick up infections. Again, I am writing all of this because you were drunk.

You are right that alleviating your feelings of guilt at his expense is unfair to him. Plus, you are not just very early into this, but given the extreme distance, it is unclear as to how well this relationship can develop. So while being drunk can be avoided fairly easily, missing human contact, if it matters to you, is going to be a problem that will continue unless you find a way to meet frequently. Also, do realize that he might be going through something very similar as well, also worrying about what to do and whether to say anything, etc. He is as human as you are. Another option (probably the easiest for both parties) is not to promise exclusivity at this stage. Then you won't feel guilty. You can decide not to be exclusive for now, but keep daily texting and Skype, too (since you like talking more) and see what unfolds, and decide to reconsider this decision in the future if you decide to relocate, or if he decides to relocate.

Your situation is very common and stems from the fact that relationships start, develop and unfold in a myriad ways and people do not necessarily talk about what they expect from each other in terms of exclusivity so early on, especially given that your rendezvous are so "chopped up" - three days here, two there - so it is just the regular uncertainty and muddiness of daily living in the geographically separated world.

[Twickenham500]

Thanks for taking the time to give me your input. I agree and appreciate your comments. I was feeling confused about the situation but feel better reading this, makes it look a bit clearer.

Luckily I am ingrained to use condoms, so thankfully that isn't an issue, and yes hamster-bamster the issue I need to address is drinking too much and not getting in that situation. Think its been a bit of a wake up call.

Thanks again