[BobbyDavis]

If you were close friends with two people that were married and you accidentally found out one was having an affair would you a) tell the other person about it b) confront the cheater and tell them you know about what they are doing and think it is wrong or c) try to stay out of it and hope the cheating partner eventually comes clean themselves?

I asked this question on another site and most people said C but some said A and would want their friend to tell them about it if it were the opposite way around and they found out their partner was cheating and I am curious what option most people would go with here.

[longdays]

Originally Posted by BobbyDavis

If you were close friends with two people that were married and you accidentally found out one was having an affair would you a) tell the other person about it b) confront the cheater and tell them you know about what they are doing and think it is wrong or c) try to stay out of it and hope the cheating partner eventually comes clean themselves?

I asked this question on another site and most people said C but some said A and would want their friend to tell them about it if it were the opposite way around and they found out their partner was cheating and I am curious what option most people would go with here.

c for an answer

Let me ask you this and then you will know the answer ..

If your partner was cheating on you and your close friend new about it would you be upset if you found out they new and didn't tell you ?

Unless you know for a fact and show proof , so it dose not back fire on you then yes tell the person who doesn't know there partner is cheating on them .

When you know something is not right way sit back and say nothing ?
That's not a friend looking out for them

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

A, definitely. I'm pretty loyal. I wouldn't want a friend that was cheating on their wife - does marriage mean anything these days?

[~Christina]

If you have absolute proof beyond a doubt I would say .... A...

[davidshq]

I'd suggest a combination of A and B: e.g., "I know you are having an affair with x. I want to give you an opportunity to do the right thing and tell your spouse. However, if you don't do so within [time period], I will."

Dave

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Originally Posted by davidshq

I'd suggest a combination of A and B: e.g., "I know you are having an affair with x. I want to give you an opportunity to do the right thing and tell your spouse. However, if you don't do so within [time period], I will."

Dave

I like that one. Maybe I would do something like that.

[ifst5]

I thought about this and i actually don't agree with the whole asking the cheating partner to own up before you have to step in...I thought i did but it's technically blackmail and frankly it lets the cheating partner off. If they won't own up then i don't see how forcing them is going to help - they've already had that opportunity and it might allow them to lie or manipulate the situation into something more advantageous for themselves. Better i think to go to the Friend direct, express concern that it's none of your business and that by coming to them direct you're already involving yourself as much as you'd want too in the matter. At the end of the day your interest is in them, not their partner or their relationship - them.

[niceguy]

Stay out of it. End of... It will not end well. They will work it out - and they will unite against you for "trying to break up their relationship".
Heed my warning. Back off.

[BobbyDavis]

Thank you for the replies.

My Sister told my friend her husband was cheating on her before I could do it because she thought it was the right thing to do and she has known the two of them longer than me and was very pissed off with my friend’s husband when she found out. She said he’s a male so she wasn’t overly surprised by his actions but she didn’t suspect him of cheating on our friend and if she sees him again she is going to personally have a nice talk to him. Since then our friend has moved out and is living in her cousin’s house while she works out what she is going to do with her life. They have four children and they are with their Mum and haven’t spoken to their Dad since she confronted him over it. She was upset but she had her suspicions about it because he was telling her he had to go to work at strange hours and his mobile phone bills had skyrocketed in the last six months and he wouldn’t tell her why.

As for marriage, I think it depends on the couple if it means something or it doesn’t.

Marriage was very important to my Wife and she wanted us to have a big flashy wedding with all our friends and family (apart from my Mum and Dad) and we ended up spending thousands of dollars on it and I even got a band there so I could sing a song I wrote for her. After my Wife and I got engaged I lived with her and my step daughter for three years before we got married and I think living together before marriage was a great idea for us in the long run and more couples could benefit from doing it too instead of rushing out and getting married because if you can’t live with someone you definitely shouldn’t marry them or that marriage isn’t going to last long. Most of my friends have been married to their partners for 15 to 20 years and my Wife’s Uncle has been married to her Aunt for forty years and the two of them have been best friends since they were 9 so I would say marriage still means something to some people.

[WholeEnchilada]

I'd have gone with B first, so I could be a friend first and foremost and try to help in any way I could, see what's going on, help them to see the light and see if they could patch things together

If they were unresponsive, I don't know whether I'd follow up with A.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by BobbyDavis

If you were close friends with two people that were married and you accidentally found out one was having an affair would you a) tell the other person about it b) confront the cheater and tell them you know about what they are doing and think it is wrong or c) try to stay out of it and hope the cheating partner eventually comes clean themselves?

I don't see the choice D - just stay out and not have any attachment to the outcome.

Marriage counselors get paid for a reason - their work is hard, frustrating, and at times thankless. Unless I were explicitly hired by both parties or at least asked by both parties to intervene, I would stay out.

[Slamjammer]

If you are truly friends to both of them, they deserve your respect equally. In other words, you cannot confront the "cheater" without also speaking with the other party....and vice versa. You must either inform both or neither one.

Of course, what does this make you? Are you really being a friend or a tattle-tale? IMHO it's best to truly be a friend. Keep your mouth shut and be ready to provide support when needed. That day will come.

[BobbyDavis]

Sorry. I didn’t notice more people replied to this thread.

I understand what you are saying but my sister has handled the situation now and while my friend is still hurt over her husband cheating on her she was happy my sister told her. When I look at it now if I put myself in her situation I would rather find out about it from a close friend right away than 10 or 20 years down the track and as much as I liked being friends with her husband I have to take her side in this because she is like family to me and I have known her much longer than her husband. I think if he is willing to cheat like that on his Wife of 16 years there is no telling what he would do to people he calls friends.