Therapy Relationship

Hello. My name is Sam and I am glad I joined this site. I am hoping to gain some knowledge and find myself along the way. Here’s my story:

The summer before my freshmen year of high school, my life changed completely. I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). My parents found a really great therapist that summer and I have been seeing her for about five years now. Most of my experiences in high school have not been very great because of this obstacle I have been given. Throughout my experience in therapy, I had to fight for my life and I grew so much; I do not think I would be where I am today without being diagnosed with OCD or without building a relationship with such a great therapist. It was through this struggle, that I truly found God in my life and formed a great relationship with Him. Even though I was fighting to find myself, I am glad that God blessed me with this disorder. Since I was diagnosed, my views have broadened exponentially and I am proud of whom I have become.

My therapist also told me that I probably have some symptoms of selective mutism. This has been a struggle throughout my relationships. When I am going through a hard time, I usually keep things to myself. And eventually, those burdens become very heavy to hold onto. I become extremely conscious when talking about my feelings and I become uncomfortable, to the point where I struggle to begin talking, even though I know I need to let my feelings out.

During my junior year of high school, I had my first boyfriend. It was going well at first but quickly went downhill. At the time I did not realize, but now know, that I was in an abusive relationship. My boyfriend only wanted my body and we eventually slept together. I was only trying to make him happy, especially because when he wanted “alone time” and I did not want to do anything with him, he would become upset. Many other factors contributed to my understanding of what kind of relationship I was in, but it hasn’t been until recently that I realized I was still suffering from that abuse. The abuse from my first relationship led me to be insecure and struggle being intimate with my second relationship, and as I have stayed in touch with a great friend of mine through youth group and have thought about a relationship with him, I realize that I need to work through the pain from my first relationship before I move into a new relationship. And that’s something I would like to discuss with my therapist, even though it may be an uncomfortable topic for me.

Recently, one of my therapist’s family members passed away. I believe I am a sensitive soul. I feel things strongly for others and people’s struggles affect me. I care a lot about the people in my life and when I heard that my therapist lost a family member, I felt the need to attend the visitation. Many of my friends and my mom thought it was a great idea. For everything my therapist has done for me, I felt I should show my respect and just be there for her for once. A great holy friend of mine came along to the visitation to pray the rosary toward the conclusion of the visitation. Once the prayer was finished, I was overcome with two decisions: 1) Talk to my therapist and express my sympathies, or 2) leave and be content with showing my respect and praying for her family member’s soul. I was about to leave, when I decided to go talk to her. This was our conversation:

T: Hi Sam. How are you?
Me: I am good. How are you?
T: I am good. Did you drive all the way here?
Me: Yes (it was an hour and a half drive from my home)
T: Who’s your friend with you?
Me: That is Trevor. He is from (insert town name here)
T: Oh. Were you spending time there today?
Me: No. We just met and came here. (We met halfway from our towns)
T: What’s Trevor’s last name?
Me: I don’t’ know (smiling sheepishly) *My selective mutism kicked in and my mind went blank
T: (Gives me an odd look) Well, I am talking with family right now.
Me: Before I could say, “that’s fine,” she had turned toward her family.
And then I left.

My intention was never to interrupt her time with her family or step over any boundary. I was only trying to be nice. And now, I am struggling with what to do or say to my therapist. I have not texted or spoke in person with her in 4 days and I do not know how or what I will say to her. I feel so bad about what happened… I am so disappointed in myself for becoming so nervous to the point where I went completely blank. I feel so dumb and I feel as if I hurt her feelings for being there. If anyone can give me some advice on what I should do and/or say to my therapist about my abusive relationship and the visitation situation, I would greatly appreciate it.

Also, if anyone ever needs a prayer, do not hesitate to message me. I would love to send prayers. Thank you to anyone who reads my post.

I would just let the issue with the visitation go unless your therapist brings it up. you went there to pray and support her which you did.

as for abusive relationship talk. just bring it up. upon going to session, state that you would like to work on relatiohship issues. that you have been involved in an abusive relatiohship and you feel this will impact future relationships and you want to work thru it.

Thank you. I appreciate your advice... that was really nice to hear.
I want to contact her, but I have been waiting to do so. The visitation was only a week ago and I feel like I should give her space... that's the hardest part, to decide what the best thing is to do.