[Pup40141]

My husband, 49, and I, 40, have been together for 6.5 years, married for almost 4. This is a second marriage for both of us. We both have a child from previous relationships. I came from a pretty, normal traditional family. My parents are still married after 43 years. He came from a highly dysfunctional, toxic and abusive (his mom was the abuser) family. He has not seen or spoken to his Mom for 15 years. He also does not speak to his sister. His relationship with Dad is very strained and little communication exists. His dad never protected him from his mom. He allowed her to abuse him and still tries to make excuses for her behavior. I can't blame him for wanting nothing to do with these people.

I know belonging to a family he never had is important to him. When we were dating my mom knew his family history and was looking for signs that he was just like them. She became judgmental about everything. It was obvious to me that she was being an overly protective parent. He had done nothing wrong. He loved my daughter as his own. He has an usual personality and sense of humor. He can be very non-politically correct. He doesn't behave like she wants him to. He can be rough around the edges, a bit rude at times, but for the most part a good man.

We got pregnant 2.5 years into our relationship. I told him my parents would accept him if he married me. We married and they seemed happy about it. I thought my mom would reevaluate her opinion of him and accept him. Well, it just got worse. It was wishful thinking. They butt heads on everything. She'd make comments and he'd retaliate with words. Now my husband hates her with a passion because he knows she still isn't fond of him. I'm not saying my husband hasn't brought some of the tension on himself. He absolutely has. He doesn't acknowledge any mistakes he made either. He speaks poorly of her to me and blames me for lying about them accepting him once we married. He actually threatens to divorce and find someone with a family that will love an accept him. He has become a bit verbally abusive with me too. He can be so sweet at times and then the old behavior comes out. He is very angry. It makes it seem as though he never really loved me, only the idea of having this family he dreamed of. I'm crushed because I love them both. I pray that one day they can get along.

Have I done anything wrong? Should he be this mad at me? Is it because he hates his Mom so much that he doesn't like Moms in general. I need answers. Counseling has never helped. We tried and he just got more upset. Should I confront my Mom? He won't come to family functions anymore and it's embarrassing to be the only one there without their spouse. The rest of the family seems to like him. Just he and my Mom bump heads. Help?!?

[kaliope]

hi pup
from what I see, it all started with your moms lack of acceptance. you gave him hope that it would all be ok, a promise of sorts and he had faith in you. then it wasn't. he was rejected....rejected by another mom, just as he was in childhood. I imagine this was very triggering for him. so he is lashing out and being a jerk back because he is hurting. he is angry at you because he trusted you saying it would all be ok and you essentially lied to him. he need therapy to deal with his childhood issues so he is not projecting them on your mom. your mom needs to let go and accept him because you love and trust him. he needs to quit being angry at you because you had no control over the matter. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[Pup40141]

Thanks for your reply. I've never thought of it from that perspective before. I feel like a horrible wife for letting him down. I have no idea how to tell him I'm sorry. I don't know if he will believe I'm sincere. I know he needs therapy to deal with his past but he won't admit he needs it. Should I confront my Mom and tell her that she must accept him? What is my next step??

[healingme4me]

Could sit down with the both of them. Tension like that, does noone any good and for the sake of the children, not being able, even just cooly behave professional in group settings, must be so awkward for the children.
You can be sorry that you entered this feeling she'd be accepting, anything after that is their issue, not yours, you couldn't predict the future outcome and thus have enough stess without shouldering blame if they cannot behave civilized.

[Pup40141]

Luckily the kids have never and will never see the tension. In fact, my mom has kinda just acted as if because nothing was resolved it will just go away. My mom acts civil, yet very fake to my husband. As does my husband however he lets his anger fester and major resentment consumes him. It's only when we get back home do I hear his utmost hate for my mom. He *****es and complaining how horrible she is. Nothing major has ever happened just words. No betrayals, affairs or anything extraordinary. It's so hard being in the middle. I love them both. I was left by my first husband because he had an affair with my best friend. I think my mom is overly protective this time around. This husband is nothing like my first. I finally found someone who would never leave me and my mom won't accept him. I'm in such pain and sadness.