I am terrified

I'm 26, will be 27 in a few months. I have never gotten the chance to feel good enough for the girls I am attracted to. In high school I was a social outcast. Then in college I was socially awkward because of the lack of social experience. I also felt insecure about my looks. Now post-college, I am insecure because of where I am careerwise: I have a bio degree with a crappy GPA and work at a call center. And what I see ahead of me is that by the time I fix my career status, I will be into my 30s and at that point I will have my age to feel insecure about.

I just want to stop feeling like I'm not good enough for every girl I find myself interested in. I feel like I am being cheated out of my chance to have my share of dating experiences. I patiently endured being a loser in high school and in college and am enduring it now. But am I NEVER going to get my chance? Is it just not in the cards for me to go out and get dates with those cute exotic looking girls that I've always been attracted to? I've always told myself that someday I will get my chance and I will make up for what I have been missing out on. But from what I'm seeing I'm not sure if such a chance exists.

All you need to do is to find a gal that has those same shortcomings.....

Believe me, they are out there.

I can give you some advice based on experience. Back in my early days, I was a dweeb who eventually morphed into a very busy young man around town ;-)

First, look in the mirror. I suspect your appearance reflects your mental self image. Change your appearance. Invest in a decent wardrobe. You don't have to spend a bunch of money, but you do want to dress for success. You work in a call center, so the dress code is probably "business casual". The fact that you don't need suits and ties will save you a bundle. Look around you... What are the sharp dressers wearing? Emulate them. If you lack a sense of fashion, go to a decent men's store and throw yourself at their mercy ;-)

Do you wear glasses? If so, loose them....get contact lenses.

Go to a decent barber...better yet, a stylist. Nothing outrageous...just a style that projects an image of someone who has their "stuff" together.

Avoid cologne or after-shave. Just be clean and oder free.

These things will help you feel better about yourself...then you will naturally develop more self confidence. The self confidence will help to break down the social issues, and you will eventually become a different person. Make sure that new person is someone you like.

Good luck to you!

Hi Shadix,

Imo, you should try to clean your slate and you do not need to carry the burden of what happened in the past any longer. Just take your chance as if it is the first opportunity. Also at the end of the day, if you have attempted to be in a relationship with faith and commitment, it will happen for you. You don't need (let's say) hundred dates to find your soul mate; all you require is to find one person meant for you. I wish you well.

Well, these are my opinions so please bear with me.

1. You were never a loser. Drop that label. If you label yourself that way, you'll find a way to live up to it. So stop that.

So now, let's get into it a little deeper. You have to take a look around at the women you're trying to date. At that age, most of them are looking for two things in a man; cute and confident. Cute is a dubious term so good luck with that one. Confident isn't what it seems though. Most women your age mistake arrogance for confidence. Someone who is confident lets themselves have feelings, addresses them (maybe even cries ... GASP! ) and doesn't judge them. Someone who is confident knows what they are capable of doing and what they aren't so they can approach the world without hesitation; I know this so I got it or I don't know this so let me find a way around it.

Someone who's arrogant ... well heck, there's nothing they can't do right? Just ask them, they'll tell you.

So, your task is to find a mature woman, not a little girl who's looking for cute and confident. You want to find a woman that understands the dynamics of a relationship and doesn't play the games. They're hard to find because most of them quit looking for a relationship. Ever hear that there aren't any decent men left? So dig in your heels and don't worry about fitting some childhood fantasy that of some Hollywood hunk and locate someone that is interested in a genuine person.

They're there, just hard to find and it's totally worth it when you find her.

Are you interested in girls that are in your league? I had a female friend in high school who *always* had these crushes on gay guys. It wasn't that she knew they were gay when she started having feelings for them, but they would sooner or later admit that they were attracted to men.

She was unhappy that she never had a boyfriend in high school, but she was only interested in people who would not return that interest.

If you are only interested in women that are interested in something you are not, then it would be better to change what you are interested in than to try to live up to their ideals, imo.

Sorry, something I should have been more clear about is that this isn't really about finding a girlfriend. This is about wanting to NOT feel like every attractive woman is out of my league.

Another thing I should point out, I actually feel somewhat confident about my looks right now. I sometimes have doubts and feel insecure, but generally I've come to realize that I have physical features which many girls will be attracted to. But I feel like even if a girl thought I was cute, after she finds out that I am 26-27 and working at a call center, she would think I'm a loser and get turned off. And then there's my shy awkward personality, which is another issue altogether.

Yes, I think this is somewhat true. I think that when women are looking for a meaningful long term relationship, they seek qualities other than the qualities they feel attracted to. However, they will STILL feel attracted to the cute confident guys, despite not wanting to be in a committed relationship with them. And it's not just the"little girls", I'm pretty convinced that most women in their 30s and 40s are still attracted to the same guys that 20 year old girls are attracted to.

Basically, I'm just wanting to pursue casual dating experiences with those attractive women without being shamed or made to feel like I am unworthy. I think that in order to achieve this, I do not need to be the perfect Hollywood hunk, but there are some requirements, like not being too old, not being boring, not being awkward, not being unambitious(which is what I think would be assumed from my career status).

I think the ultimate problem is your lack of confidence.

Have you talked to a therapist about this? If not I think you should because if you don't get yourself out of this state of mind it is only going to get worse. Try and think about all the good qualities you possess and stop focusing so much on the negatives.

Shadix, but you wrote that you are attracted to exotic looking girls. Actually, you wrote that you were attracted to cute exotic looking girls, and, try as I might, I cannot picture them, because women are EITHER cute OR exotic. They can also by described with a whole lot of other terms related to looks, but "cute" and "exotic" do not go so well together. Maybe you can explain what you mean in some detail. For now, given that the word "exotic" is, well, much more exotic than the word "cute" (the word "cute" is virtually meaningless), I would assume that "exotic" is the operative term. But if that it the case, then they are not necessarily right on the mainstream path anyway, and might not object to your working in a call center, especially if you tell them that you also (pick whatever - are taking classes, are into music or art, etc) and if you do not preempt their questions by sounding defensive or apologetic.

Since all you want is to think differently, I think you should simply start doing so instantly.

I bet that there is a bigger issue with your career. Do you have a low undergrad GPA or grad GPA? If it is from a college, are you still living near the college? Can you ask them if they'd allow you to enroll in a couple of for-grade upper division undergrad classes now and then recalculate your GPA?