[Webgoji]

So last week Mrs. Webgoji and I celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary and I was gonna slam dunk the evening. I started by making sure our boys were going to get to stay over at their friend's house for the evening so we could be alone. Then I cooked a steak tenderloin marinated in a red wine marinade and served with a blue cheese sauce. After that I opened a bottle of moscato red wine and we sat down to watch An Affair to Remember.

I felt great. Pepe Le Pew ain't got nuthin' on me!

But at the end of the movie, Mrs. Webgoji went into a full fledged meltdown. To this day I'm still confused and feel rejected by it. (Mostly because I was stunned and could only think, WTF!? )

I understand that she was overwhelmed with some kind of emotions and the meltdown was her brain's way of trying to get her back to an emotional baseline. But she was crying almost hysterically, talking about not being able to pull herself together and that we couldn't have sex which was making it worse.

Would anyone have an insight as to what about that evening could trigger such strong emotional responses to cause something like that? And just what the heck emotions where they? What the heck happened!?

Signed,
One Confused Webgoji

[Rose76]

You need to talk to her. Or, rather, draw her out and listen. She's got something to say, but doesn't believe you will hear her.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by Rose76

You need to talk to her. Or, rather, draw her out and listen. She's got something to say, but doesn't believe you will hear her.

Thank you Rose76. I think you're right. I've tried to get her to talk through it, but either she doesn't wholly understand or doesn't want to talk. I've suggested she go to our therapist alone to talk through it without me around, that maybe me being there is holding her back. I just don't know and I get more confused by the day.

[Rose76]

Let me be more specific: She's got something she needs to feel heard about by you.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Let me be more specific: She's got something she needs to feel heard about by you.

Hmm ... well that sounds kinda scary.

[Rose76]

By cooking the steak and opening the right wine, you were showing her how wonderful you are. She wants to feel that you think she is wonderful.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by Rose76

By cooking the steak and opening the right wine, you were showing her how wonderful you are. She wants to feel that you think she is wonderful.

Okay, so by doing those things for her (setting up the evening and all) I actually over did it and instead of showing her how special she is to me I inadvertently ended up pulling the attention to me and made her feel bad? Am I understanding that correctly?

Well ... crap ...

[Bill3]

The steak, the wine, the movie, the "slam dunk" generally: how were these plans arrived at?

[HockingPastryChef]

Yes I agree with Rose76. You need to have a talk with her about that night.

It could of been what Rose76 had said that she wants you to see how wonderful she is too. OR maybe she felt that you doing all of that to have sex even though you love her dearly. Most of the time you truly never understand the mind and feelings of others, just need to talk them through.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by Bill3

The steak, the wine, the movie, the "slam dunk" generally: how were these plans arrived at?

She always talked about how she wanted me to set up a date evening all on my own with no input from her. So I wanted to get that "slam dunk" evening set up for her; the perfect night. It was going to be so romantic that Pepe Le Pew would be ashamed for his lame attempts you know?

I contacted the friends and asked if it would be okay if the boys stayed over there. Once that was established, I told my wife that I was going to cook something nice for her and the boys would stay with their friend. I then scratched up the recipe and bought everything, did my homework on romantic movies and found probably the best one ever and got it all going for her that night.

I mean ... what the hell did I do wrong that made her feel bad and so overwhelmed? I triggered something, but it was just supposed to be the best evening she could wish for.

[Alone & confused]

I'm confused about what you said about the not having sex and that making it worse. Is she physically unable to, or was that do to the meltdown? I'm asking because you said you've been away from us because you were taking care of her, and I'm wondering if the meltdown was due to not being able to be intimate after the wonderful evening you had planned??

[Bill3]

I agree with the other posters: try asking her to share her feelings, and listen to what she has to say, without explaining your actions or being defensive. Just wanting to understand.

[Rose76]

Nothing you did was wrong. She just happens to be having a problem, at a time when you are obviously functioning real well. It can be oddly annoying to have your partner seeming to be on top of the world, when you are in a bad funk.

She sounds like a deeply unhappy woman. Has she been a depressive for quite a while? It might have nothing to do with her being let down by you. She feels bad about herself for some reason. For whatever reason, she's not opening her heart to you about what is her source of pain. You sound nice enough. So what's going on? Is she just a crier? This can't be the very first time in 14 years that something like this has happened. People have patterns that get repeated. There are clues in this picture, but not in the way you tell the story, which is leaving something out. Not saying you are doing that deliberately. Details that are important to a woman often get overlooked by a man.

[CrazyGirl6371]

I don't know how her mind works or anything about your relationship.
All I know is how I can interpret it. So, with that said, here it goes.
If a man did that for me, I would feel overwhelmed. Not necessarily in a bad way, but I would probably have a breakdown, too. Why? Because it's been sooo long since anything like that has been done for me. I would have a breakdown out of sheer appreciation and disbelief. Because it's so great that someone did that, and it's been so long since I've felt truly loved and appreciated, I would have a breakdown, because I wouldn't know how to handle it. I wouldn't know how to handle actually feeling loved and appreciated.
So, that's just me.
I'm not sure what your wife has (or doesn't have), but I have depression, GAD, apparently schizophrenia, and very, very likely BPD...

[Webgoji]

So I managed to get Mrs. Webgoji to talk yesterday. As it happens, about 3 or 4 months ago when she started working on her PTSD, her sex drive almost completely disappeared. She told me later that her libido was doing fine, but in fact her libido has never returned.

Thanks to her childhood, she can't separate sex and love. Meaning I can't just do something nice for her without her thinking she owes me sex. For 14 years that hasn't been the case, but she still can't make that separation.

So when I did all that last Friday, she felt like she owed me sex, but had spent all day trying to get in the mood and just couldn't get herself in the mood. Not a bug deal for me, but she was so upset with herself that she had a meltdown.

At least she's been honest with me and herself. She's went to therapy herself yesterday and is going to talk frankly with the doctors. So we can actually approach things without that secret.

[healingme4me]

I'm sorry, that a special loving evening turned into a moment addressing your wife's mental health.
Though it's a tough head play, for her, internally, it's something with work hopefully she'll see the difference between love and objectification. Could any ad meds, be the libido culprit?

[Rose76]

Well, it sounds like you got to the bottom of things. And you had no idea that this could have been the problem? You were "clueless," as you put it? Hmmmmm.

[SnakeCharmer]

I suggest another date night with hamburgers, Two Buck Chuck, and The Muppets Take Manhattan. Fun and simple, no strings attached. Enjoy each others company. That sort of thing feels good after a meltdown. No slam dunks, just fun.

I wish you the best.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I'm sorry, that a special loving evening turned into a moment addressing your wife's mental health.
Though it's a tough head play, for her, internally, it's something with work hopefully she'll see the difference between love and objectification. Could any ad meds, be the libido culprit?

I'm wondering if it's the Pristiq she's taking. I think it was a few weeks after she first lost her libido that she started taking it, but I know it was right about that time. Plus, she turned 40 this year so she's gotten to the age where pre-menopause could start kicking in and that can be a libido killer as well.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Well, it sounds like you got to the bottom of things. And you had no idea that this could have been the problem? You were "clueless," as you put it? Hmmmmm.

Totally honest, I had no idea. As I mentioned, she had told me her libido was fine and she had even hinted in a text message that she was going to "get a good nap and make sure she was limbered up" . So yeah, I was just rolling with the evening not thinking anything was amiss. I didn't realize that was code for "I'm not in the mood, but I'm going to try to get there".

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

I suggest another date night with hamburgers, Two Buck Chuck, and The Muppets Take Manhattan. Fun and simple, no strings attached. Enjoy each others company. That sort of thing feels good after a meltdown. No slam dunks, just fun.

I wish you the best.

Lol, yep. Next time it's pizza and Dr. Pepper.

[Webgoji]

Well, we went to see the psychiatrist and Mrs. Webgoji decided she didn't want to talk about her libido. The psychiatrist was amazed she was at work and her doctor had released her for sex. She said that yeah, her only restriction was that she couldn't lift anything over 30 pounds ... no tugging, pulling or jerking. Nice snarky comment that I thought was a hint.

I missed the no though.

I dunno. %$#@ it.