[A18793715]

I've been dating this guy for 5 months now. I've grown to love and adore him. But he's emotionally distant and not affectionate because he said it always ends up horribly for him if he allows himself to fully open up have an affectionate love. So he doesn't want to bother with that kind of relationship. He does do random, cute things like covering me up when I fall asleep but he says it's just common courtesy. I never know how he feels and I'm always uncertain. It's making me so insecure and it weighs heavy on my chest. I wish he showed me love more often.. The most of all, I wish he would hold me and let me cry my eyes out. But. Like. Anything to show me he really loves me. Sometimes his words and "I love you too's" just feel completely empty and it hurts and I have to try my hardest not to cry because I'm super sensitive and he gets irritated that I cry at nothing and girls crying in general. So half of the time, I'm super happy with him and feel more happy than I have been in like 10 months now. But at the same time, randomly I'll get super depressed because I want him to be affectionate towards me. Is it stupid of me to feel like it's unfair that other girls got to have his affection but he always tells me how nice I am and even let's me wear his class ring that he says he's never let any other girl wear because it's very special to him but I don't get affection because of girls in the past? I don't know. I just feel like it's unfair and it's stupid but I'm jealous of his exes. I feel like he and even I could be even happier if he would let himself.

Does anyone have any advice? I just want to feel love so I can believe it.

If he's emotionally detached, is that even really possible?

[kultking]

I'm sorry to hear this, I know how you feel since I've been in similar relationships where I don't receive any affection/the same amount of affection as I gave. My advice is to talk to him about it just to let him know your feelings and thoughts about the situation. He might also need some more time to get more comfortable in your relationship before he feels safe opening up with his feelings. He's had bad relationships in the past so it's understandable for him to be cautious, but he should give you a chance because you are not (like) his ex-girlfirends. Another possibility is that he's not the affectionate type, or he's just not as affectionate as you are in general. Either way, I wish you all the best

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi A

I'm sorry that you've found yourself in this situation.

We all have different needs in a relationship in order to be satisfied.

Your longing for affection, considering the amount of time you have been together, is a natural one. You want physically contact. Like even a big bear hug and holding hands to let you know it's okay. It's a form of unwritten and unspoken communication.

Body language and physical contact adds a whole new realm in a relationship.

He seems to have past issues that he doesn't entirely seem to have worked his way through, and until he does, I'm not sure when he will change.

Here's hoping things start looking better for you in this relationship.

[Big_Bear]

I just became a member of this forum because of your same issue! My beautiful girlfriend of 8 months and I just got into an argument the other night. We went out on the town and once again I was unsure of what to do or how I could act. I felt like she didn't even care. She is not the most affectionate one, but she has shown affection slightly at times so I know its there. This bugs me a lot because I am insecure about her difficulty with showing affection/passion, but at times I see it there! My girlfriend does smoke ALOT of weed, and this bothers me because I believe that she is dependent on it and I believe her being "high" all the time takes the affection out of the relationship! When I try to explain to her my feelings, when I finally gain the courage to look weak and needy, I feel like she really isn't listening and is being really stubborn. Long story short, we broke up and I don't really want to get back together until these issues are worked out. I don't know what advice to give you or what to do, but I just want you to know that I understand. Express your feelings and maybe tell him you want a separation and time to figure out the issue. The issue is most likely rooted in both of you as individuals and you both may have to figure out what is wrong and how you can work on it together.

[PennyD]

I would recommend the book, The 5 Love Languages which highlights how people receive, express and understand love. Everybody experiences love differently growing up and so in return, they show love in so many different ways, and sometimes the person we are with doesn't accept is as love. it's a great read and really helps break down communication and love in relationships

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by A18793715

I've been dating this guy for 5 months now. I've grown to love and adore him. But he's emotionally distant and not affectionate because he said it always ends up horribly for him if he allows himself to fully open up have an affectionate love. So he doesn't want to bother with that kind of relationship.

Tell him that he is making you repent for his ex liaisons' "sins", which is unfair, because you did not commit them. Further, tell him that his doing what he is doing constitutes a pre-emptive strike in a passive sense, and therefore means that he does not trust you to be a safe and a caring partner for him. Lastly, explain that it is not OK for you - for you, it is not hard to get another boyfriend who will be affectionate the way you desire it, so it would not make sense for you to continue in this relationship you are currently having. Because your bf said that he does not want to BOTHER with an affectionate relationship, he effectively gave you an ultimatum, but you somehow did not understand that fact. Had he said that he had had prior hurts that inhibit the expression of his affection but he hopes that with time things would get better and this and that, then this would not have been an ultimatum, but since he said that he would not bother, it was. And you silently accepted it. From the time he said till now, you have been living with acceptance of his ultimatum in his eyes, since you did not say a word. Not acknowledging this fact and starting to talk about it out of the blue would be weird, so I would acknowledge this fact to your own advantage, as evidence showing that you cannot maintain this relationship unless he changes.

So I would say or write sth along these lines: "Remember how in July you told me that because of some baggage of yours you would not bother with affectionate love?..

Since then, I have received a few token "I love you too's" that sounded so robotic that I might as well get an app that occasionally tells me "I love you too". I kind of wanted to be in a relationship with a human man and not a man. Not sure if this is too much to ask...

Anyway, it has been 5 months since and I have observed my feelings and wants and now can tell you with confidence that I would not live in this kind of relationship. I have given it a good honest try and no, this is not a good deal for me by any means. Also how is it fair to me that be answerable for whatever baggage you acquired before I even came along? This is ridiculous.

I am not giving you an ultimatum because I realize that the affectionate button is not a simple switch on - switch off one, but I can tell you that your continuing with the attitude of not bothering being affectionate with me would mean that soon I will not bother being with you at all. For a little while I can last if I see effort on your part, because I do realize that you have been hurt and do not really know how to proceed, and, mistakes and oopsies are totally excusable; what is not acceptable is the attitude of not bothering. Believe me, I am perceptive and will be able to tell an earnest attempt at showing me affection from another robotic "I love you too".

By next July I will decide whether this is good for me - that seems like a fair term, all things considered - and I am sure you yourself will be far happier if you manage to open the floodgates of your feelings and let them flow - that is, if you have those feelings, and if you do not have them, then for me there is no point in staying with you, nor is it good for you, so we should part on amicable terms.

Oh, and when you said that being affectionate always ends up horrible for you, you insinuated that I would not be a safe and caring gf for you, which I did not appreciate in the least.

I hope you see that this is reasonable, and, if you do not plan to change, just tell me calmly and we will part our ways sooner rather than later avoiding further hurt."

[A18793715]

Thank you so much for putting the words together that I couldn't.

[hamster-bamster]

Thank you. I made a typo. I wrote, in a rush as always:

"I kind of wanted to be in a relationship with a human man and not a man. Not sure if this is too much to ask... "

I was trying to choose between:

- "an app",
- "a machine", and
- "a robot",

but instead made a typo. Take your pick!