[elin95]

Hello,

My name is Elin and I'm 19 years old. I am a lesbian.

I have this problem that I keep falling in love with older women. ( in their 30s, sometimes 40s) It is really annoying because I know it will never work and it frustrates me. Whenever a older woman pays lots of attention to me and she is attractive, I melt already. I was abused by my mom and never received love from her, maybe that's important to tell.

I just hate myself because what 19 year old falls in love with a 40 year old? I hope someone can give me some advice or tell their own story.. I am never going to find a nice girlfriend of my own age if it goes further this way..

Thanks for reading

Elin

[quote=elin95;4115259]Hello,

My name is Elin and I'm 19 years old. I am a lesbian.

I have this problem that I keep falling in love with older women. ( in their 30s, sometimes 40s) It is really annoying because I know it will never work and it frustrates me. Whenever a older woman pays lots of attention to me and she is attractive, I melt already. I was abused by my mom and never received love from her, maybe that's important to tell.

I just hate myself because what 19 year old falls in love with a 40 year old? I hope someone can give me some advice or tell their own story.. I am never going to find a nice girlfriend of my own age if it goes further this way..

Thanks for reading

Hello elin95: Well... if I were to go into detail with regard to my own experience, I'd have to start a blog! But I'll just say that, many years ago, as a 20 something, I was involved with a forty+ year old woman. Personally, I don't see any reason why such a relationship can't work out. The one problem is, of course, assuming you would both live normal life spans, you will likely be left alone sooner than you might if you were with someone your own age. But there are allot of if's, and's, & but's to be dealt with along the way too.

However, assuming you only want to find someone your own age, I think what you perhaps need to do is to arrange for some therapy services geared toward figuring out why it is you are so attracted to older women, & what you can do about it. (It's probably best not to see an older woman!)

What you wrote about your relationship with your mother would certainly seem to be significant & may need to be explored more deeply. Also I would want to zero-in on your statement that you "hate" yourself because you fall in love with 40 year old women. Self-hatred is a slow-acting poison. Over time, it gradually erodes away one's psyche to the point where sooner-or-later the psyche collapses. (Years ago we used to refer to this as a "nervous breakdown".)

Perhaps your use of the term: "hate" is more for emphasis than it is descriptive. However, personally, I would hope you might explore this further. It isn't outside of the realm of possibility, I would presume, that somehow your attraction to older women is linked to some hatred of yourself that you acquired growing up.

Of course, the more mundane option here is simply to avoid older women & spend as much time as possible with women your own age. Join organizations, & participate in activities, where you're most likely to be with women your own age rather than with older women. This more superficial approach may work for you. However, if your attraction to 40 something women is tied to your relationship with your mother & with your own self-concept, you may find that trying to establish a relationship with a woman your own age will continue to be frustrated.

I wish you all the best, elin95.

[elin95]

[QUOTE=The Skeezyks;4115345]

Originally Posted by elin95

Hello,

thank you so much for this kind message. really made me feel better. thank you for your advice XO <3

i get your advice about avoiding older women.. but the problem is that i work with them at my job/internship and that's part of my study so I can't just quit. that's really difficult

[elin95]

more people who experience this or can give me some advice ? x

[ifst5]

Personally i don't see the issue either - we all have preferences. And they're usually formed by a variety of experiences, not just negative ones. Focus more on the person rather than their age. If you're going out with someone in their 30's - that's just over ten years older, these days that's not really a lot. Some would argue that 20's years isn't either.

If you enjoy being with someone and you feel they contribute to your life positively then what does it matter? Not everyone will approve of your relationship even if you're with someone of your own age. But what others think doesn't really apply. They're not the ones dating that person or having a relationship with them.

Older people have a lot to offer, they don't mess about and they're more self assured. Personally i think more younger people should consider dating out of their age group.

Remember you're still growing up - you're not even in your twenties yet. Your preferences might change further. Just enjoy being young and having fun. You'll make mistakes and you'll mess things up but there will be a lot of happiness too.

I hope this is vaguely helpful.

[hvert]

I also dated much older people when I was in my teens/early 20s. In hindsight, I really wish I had put a stop to that early on. I missed out on a lot of experiences my peers were having because I was always hanging out with a much older set. Now my older friends are in their late 60s and 70s when I am still in my 30s - and they aren't physically active enough to be much fun - and I still have no idea how to relate to people my own age!

Skeezyks had some good practical tips. I hope your older women aren't coworkers - or maybe we all have to learn that the hard way

You can not pick Chemistry it just happens