I am a controlling girlfriend.

Please help me before I ruin my relationship.

I have a great boyfriend I am very much in love with. We had a wonderful first year of dating and frequently speak of getting married. As time has gone on though, things have gotten worse. I had a falling out with my group of friends and have become very withdrawn since then. I'm kind of a loner. My boyfriend is the only person besides family I still have (I'm 24.)

Recently he has been spending lots of time with another guy friend who he plays tennis with. They now play tennis about 4 times a week and when I don't see him because he is doing this, I get very upset. I "broke up" with him after he chose to go to his match over talking about issues in our relationship. He seems to want to please everyone else in the world (not canceling the match) over talking about our issues.

He says I comtrol him and who he talks to. I do monitor what girls he talks to and look in his phone. However, this is all after I found out that he was texting another girl behind my back, when I told him for 7 months that she made me uncomfortable and to stop. He swore she was just a friend although she frequently called and made contact. That was a year ago and he thinks I should "get over it." But now I feel like I have to watch what he is doing. I even have to watch when he hangs out with his friends because they are very much into cocaine, strip clubs, and even inviting strippers/prostitutes to their apartments! While I don't think he would ever be involved with that, I still get very angry when he hangs out with friends.

He says I keep him on a leash and get mad about everything he does. I know I over react but how do I trust him? He's lied to me about other things than just the girl he was texting, but nothing else that big.

How do I learn to not control him? Does this possession have to do with me having depression and no one else friends wise ? I have acted this way in past relationships though when I had all my friends still.

How do I not be a controlling girlfriend??? Thanks in advance.

I even have to watch when he hangs out with his friends because they are very much into cocaine, strip clubs, and even inviting strippers/prostitutes to their apartments! While I don't think he would ever be involved with that, I still get very angry when he hangs out with friends.

That is a red flag !

If you can't trust him then you need to let him go or your both going to be fighting all the time .
It's not even about controlling it's abut trust at this point .

You could be seen as controlling under other circumstances. Boyfriends and spouses ought to be able to have friends and go out to do things with them. But in this case, I am wondering, too, if this guy is really the one for you. You might really just be clinging to him for fear of being alone.

I suggest you start going out yourself to public places and meet other people. Try to have fun. If you struggle with that, then you might want to talk to a therapist to get support and advice, too.

Are you sure this is the right guy for you? I would also have a problem if my boyfriend hung out with people who were snorting coke and cavorting with prostitutes... but you can't really tell him who his friends are, you can only decide who you want your friends and lover to be.

It sounds like getting out of the house and around other people would be good for you and might dampen some of the urge to control. If you had an active social life and were busy when your boyfriend was playing tennis, things would be okay, right? I think it's natural that we get a bit clingy when we rely on only a few people for our social needs. I know I'm that way.

If talking with him hasn't worked and he's still continuing the behavior that you don't like, you have to draw the line somewhere. It's better to face the facts sooner than later. When illegal substances are involved that can potentially lead to arrests down the road. Just saying it's not something that you should be going through alone. I hope you can make another friend who could be supportive of you.

Thank you for your reply! I am having trouble meeting new friends and am depressed so I don't even really care. I agree though, I need for this to happen. Xoxo!

I agree. I wonder if the trust is broken beyond fixing.

Thank you!! His response is always "well I don't do those things!" But when you have a history of lying it's also hard to believe. The friends also aren't fond of me (as we don't have a lot in common) so I worry they will convince him to do something. He is very easily impressionable and is a people pleaser. I need to get over some social anxiety I have to try to meet new people. I only ever want to be with him :/ thank you for your support

I'm scared to draw the line because every time I try I am just "controlling" but I agree. I need to branch out but I am also battling depression and anxiety where I don't even care about leaving the house or doing much. It's a very hard time, thank you for your support!

I would suggest a therapy group for social anxiety, if you can afford one (they are not very expensive), or, failing that, a free peer support group for same concern.

Another idea, if you play any kind of sports, is to get into a regularly meeting group to play - racquetball, whatever, something. He has his tennis and you have your racquetball. See how that would feel for you (you need to try - picturing how it might feel would not work; it has to be happening in reality).

Another idea is to call your public library or your public school district and ask if they need volunteers to teach literacy. I do not know where in the US you are; in any state with a significant influx of Spanish-speaking immigrants you would find a need for English literacy teaching. You will feel so much better - somebody would need you and you would give that somebody the MOST important skill for survival in your country.

Currently you might be keeping the bf on a tight leash because you have nothing better to do. Also, you seem to overconclude. It might be that the bf is a people pleaser - you know him better - but from that one incident in which he kept an appointment for a tennis match instead of talking over the issues in your relationship, he was simply appropriately polite and appropriately committed to being punctual; he was not a people pleaser - your conclusion went too far. I think that because you do not have much to do, you get that distorted impression that everything revolved around you, in a negative way, but still around you. That the bf kept his match appointment is not about you; if anything, it portrays him as trustworthy because keeping appointments and not being late are one facet of trustworthiness.

So I hope you can focus on yourself, your life, your interests, and your capacity to be of service to others and derive pleasure from being of such service (the literacy teaching example would go here). You might then surprise yourself by how you little you'd care about your bf's friends. And you will be in a better position to evaluate this relationship/

honestly, i get like that sometimes with my boyfriend. we had fights before about a trust issue. so i know exactly what you're going thru! if you ever need someone to talk too, feel free to message me! maybe we can both get over these issues somehow! lol

This is my opinion only, but from what you write he's doing plenty of blaming himself.

Someone who constantly tells you that you are at fault for a failing relationship is quite manipulative....

Is he deflecting in order to make himself look innocent?

Just a thought.