getting over her past

when i met my wife she had been seperated from her sons father for a few months ,we met her through a co-worker named (bob). We talked and hung out alot she grew up in a very strict home, being home schooled and raised through he church. i thought this is the type of person i was looking for home one who would be loyal and not have the urges to party and go out constanly ( as i am not very social ). a couple weeks into our relationship (bob) told me he had slept with her years ago and that they were supposed to go out (she was 16 he was 19 ). ever since then i have not been able to get this out of my head , i looked at my self and said i would not treat her like i didnt lover her and ruin what i had but its a struggle because (bob) is a good family friend and no matter how hard i try hes always going to be around. I over think what happened and why ( she said she was drunk) but i can get my mind over it . apart from this i judge her past i have gone through her personal journals and she has had more experience than me ( ive only been with her and another ) she has lived with different men i dont know it sounds stupid to say these things but i feel so depressed thinking about her only loving me because i was a last resort, i am in depression i have anxiety thinking about her past but i cant get focused . she married me after a few outburst about these things wy cant i leave it alone i feel like dying ending it because i dont treat her like the amazing women she is

I understand that it can be difficult for you when Bob comes over but I also understand that you love your wife very much. Do you have a therapist you can talk this out with? I know this expression is over used but...."the past is the past". You can't change it, the future is yet to come. All you really have is today and if your wife is truly amazing and you truly love her either ask her about it or let it go. She is with you not Bob and that says something all by itself.

MINDATWAR - usually, people who grow up in a very strict home have MORE of an urge to party than people who grow up in less strict homes. I thought everybody knew that. Didn't you know about the lure of a forbidden fruit?

I have a friend who is extremely strict with the children - no TV, no video games, music lessons, limited computer time, no sweets, no nothing. Many years ago, her kids came over for a sleepover with mine. I served gummy bears and popcorn as they watched a movie. My friend's kids were not allowed candy or popcorn in their household. I allowed those things, which is why for my kids they were not a forbidden fruit so they were not obsessed with them. My friend's older daughter ... you won't believe it, but at the end of the school year they had an assignment in which they were supposed to write a story about their happiest recollection of that academic year. My friend's older daughter wrote about that slumber party at my place. Those forbidden gummy bears ended up being forever etched into the poor girl's memory...

So in terms of how you went about choosing your wife to fit that specific role you had in mind for her, you were doing it wrong - you were making a grossly incorrect assumption. Does it matter now? Probably not, since you are saying that she is an amazing woman and all is well that ends well.

You then say that she married you as a last resort, and you decided so after going through her personal journals from which you learned that she has lived with many different men. Normally, if a woman has lived with many different men and then marries man X, one would at least consider the possibility that man X was better than all the previous men jointly and separately. But you have not even entertained the thought that she might have simply chosen you. You decided that she was out of options. Really - an amazing woman and totally out of options? Does not make sense to me, except that aha! your depression is talking. Read a little bit about CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and its concept of cognitive distortions. I bet you will find some similarities between that concept and your way of thinking.

I am very glad that you came here and that you already got the advice to speak to a therapist. You wrote that you are overthinking, and it it is true; you are also overreacting. But these "over" are your depression talking, and rather loudly. Plus, that you alluded to suicidality is a big red flag. The situation does not warrant the pain it is causing you, but that does not mean that you should toughen up or leave it alone or hide your feelings - rather, you should be in treatment and actively looking at these things with your therapist. You are in a precarious position and you need help ASAP.

The things you say are NOT stupid, but they are not true, either. They are basically symptoms of your condition. Depression and anxiety are both quite treatable - be your own advocate and get the treatment you need!

I am seeking help as we speaking find a new psychiatrist and counselor I'm trying to find the right ones because last Drs I had was horrible