[lou7107]

I've been with my partner for 7 years, he's 24 and I'm 22 and I was getting a weird vibe the past month or so and I found some weird messages from a girl on his phone, basically her begging him to get in touch so they could talk about things etc but he hadn't replied and she finally said he wouldn't be hearing from her again.

I confronted him about them and he admitted that he was friends with this girl, she used to come into the bar where he works for a chat after his shifts and they spoke via txt, him talking about stuff that was going on with me and him, her sharing her problems. But apparently one night he went to hug her goodbye and it turned into a kiss, he freaked out and left and hasn't spoken to her since (hence the messages from her begging him to talk to her).
I basically don't know how to handle this, this man is my soulmate, we've been through a lot worse than this so I know I can forgive him but it's just messing with my head, and it makes it worse that I knew nothing of this girl, he says he just needed a friend that he could talk to that he knew wouldn't spread gossip around his workplace, but waaay back in the start of our relationship (the first 3 years was long distance before he moved up to be with me) he used to tell girls he was single to get extra attention, and this keeps playing on my mind. He swears that he never even considered romantic feelings towards this girl, and he has NEVER cheated on me during the past 7 years... I know that if it happened exactly how he described then I can get past it, I'm not going to throw what we have away over a misunderstanding, but it's playing on my mind that he didn't tell me straight away. He says he was overthinking and was terrified of losing me which is why he didn't tell me upfront and actually broke down in tears when he did confess about it, but this whole thing has totally messed with my head.

I don't think he is capable of cheating, and I believe that if he was looking elsewhere he would just break things off with me rather than cheat, but I think I need opinions from other people to get a different perspective. The past few weeks we have also been trying for a baby and I k ow with the past he has with his mum and dad he would NEVER bring a baby into the world if he thought we didn't have a future. The whole thing is just far too complicated and I don't know what to feel at the minute. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[kaliope]

hi lou
it sounds like you already have your mind set on forgiving him. you have built a case for it. but keep in mind your facts for cheating-he did kiss another girl and he does tell girls he is single for the attention. if he were entirely committed to you and happy with the relationship, why would he do those things? make sure to keep that in the back of your mind because the potential for him cheating in the future is definitely there. He is not entirely committed to you yet. Being together for so long since you were so long i don't imagine you have explored other possibilities so that longing may be there for him under the surface. i would recommend holding off on the baby for a few more years. you are still very young. make sure this relationship is rock solid before bringing a child into the mix. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[lou7107]

Originally Posted by kaliope

hi lou
it sounds like you already have your mind set on forgiving him. you have built a case for it. but keep in mind your facts for cheating-he did kiss another girl and he does tell girls he is single for the attention. if he were entirely committed to you and happy with the relationship, why would he do those things? make sure to keep that in the back of your mind because the potential for him cheating in the future is definitely there. He is not entirely committed to you yet. Being together for so long since you were so long i don't imagine you have explored other possibilities so that longing may be there for him under the surface. i would recommend holding off on the baby for a few more years. you are still very young. make sure this relationship is rock solid before bringing a child into the mix. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

Thanks for replying and being so welcoming!
I don't think I explained correctly, the way he says it happened is that the girl misconstrued the situation and kissed him, and he freaked out about it and left immediately.
I can understand why you would think he wasn't commited from what I wrote, but the last time he told someone he was single was over 4 years ago and since then he's been nothing but perfect, I believe he only used to do it because we were so young at the time I mean he was 18/19 when this was happening but then he moved countries to be with me and realised what we had wasn't worth jeapordising over some extra attention. But honestly in the last 4 years we've lived together and had virtually no problems, the odd disagreement but what relationship doesn't? That's why I'm more inclined to believe he's telling the truth, it's just hard for me to get over any lies that have been told in the process.
I really appreciate your honesty!

[hamster-bamster]

I think he is telling you the truth. Breaking down in tears is an authentic response. I doubt that it was acting on his part. If what you wrote was basically the words he said -- "terrified", "upfront", "overthinking", "freaked out" -- then it all sounds genuine; it does not sound coldly rehearsed.