I want him out.

I have been in a "relationship" for 14 years with the father of my children. I believe he is in love with some other girl who "had to set boundaries" with him. She is 20 years younger than him and had to make it "perfectly clear to him that she is not interested." He claims they are only friends and now that may be true, I do believe he tried to be with her and he does not get why I cannot stand for their "friendship". He claims that I have a problem because she is a girl and that I have a problem with all girls he is friends with and it is my fault that he does not hang out with them more and his friends in general. Really? Am I the crazy controlling one here?

I am the one who has no money for anything because I have to pay the majority of the bills. I can't go out or join an activity, and in fact he has accused me of sleeping with everyone from the night cleaner to my boss, because I have to work a lot. When he is the one supposedly working overtime and has no money for bills, just lavish gifts for our kids.

I don't think he is working overtime, since she is the one he is calling when he is supposedly at work and never carries his phone on him. He has also completely changed his behavior and in fact has said they are two lives who have crossed paths and that is all.

Is it really me?

Since it seems like you are already doing it, why not go ahead and start living a separate life from your children's father? Set up your own household (whether by moving out or moving him out) and start living your life the way you want.

If you want a relationship, this action would free you up to find a decent, attentive man who will treat you right.

Your children could still regularly see their dad.

If finances is the issue, please think long and hard about that. Finances are the one thing it is easier to improve when you weigh the pros and cons of a relationship. Yes, I know living costs are expensive, but it is easier to spend less or to earn more than it is to get a partner to keep promises he or she does not want to keep.

I imagine if you suggest separate lives to your children's dad he will say "oh, no that isn't what I want" and it probably isn't. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. But you are in control of whether you want to continue to enable him in this. Courage!

he does seem by your post that he does want his cake and eat it too. you are enabling him if you are paying the bills and working. I would cut the bill paying in half, then he will have to WORK harder!!! He's the one being suspicious by saying you slept with your boss, so what does he have to hide if he is so jealous?

Not paying his fair share of bills but lavishing the kids with presents is highly, highly manipulative and despicable.

The kids are not mature enough to appreciate all the sacrifices you are making but they can easily see and appreciate glitter.

What this man is doing is underhanded; yikes! He is trying to freeride on your generosity while buying his kids' love with presents.

I think that if you go the way IceCreamKid suggested, your kids' father would be unable to afford gifts because he would need to pick up the tab of "mundane" expenses, and the children would get a more realistic view of who is who in their lives. For the children it will be better. Right now they are witnessing how one parent exploits the other financially but gets away. Is this the lesson you want the children to learn?

As for jealousy - this man is NOT jealous. When he accuses you of sleeping with every man in the office from the boss down to the night cleaner, he does it not out of jealousy or a genuine suspicion, but to improve his standing and his position and feel better about exploiting you financially. If you are at work to pick up his slack, that is not really something he likes to live with. If you are at work sleeping with half of the office, then your being at work automatically means fun and not sacrifices. Simple - by accusing you of sleeping with guys at work, this man relieves himself from whatever remnants of guilty conscience he might be carrying inside him.

Call his 'friend' or knock on her door. Even if she says nothing to you, you will know by her demeanor/reaction. You are only hurting yourself to put up with this for as long as you have. (I lived with manipulative, demeaning husband for 20 years and now that it's over - I realize that I hurt only myself by staying.) Deep in your heart you know. Even if it is platonic - you would not feel this way and he would not treat you this way if it was right between the two of you. Don't let him talk you into (or out of) anything because you want it to be true.