Problem with neighbor

My neighbor on my street (Sandy), has a daughter (Debbie) that is the same age as my child. The whole time we've known them, things have been a little rocky. Debbie is a spoiled brat (sorry- best way to describe) with a very dominant personality who has been raised to feel that she can be rude to not just other children, but even her own parents. My child is a little on the shy side, but has stuck up for herself as best as she can. Over the years, we've had Debbie refuse to share her stuff, but expect to use ours whenever she wants, tell the other kids to run away and hide when my child comes out to play, tell the other kids "no" when they say they want to ask my child to come out, tell my child to "just go home" if my child does not conform and agree with everything Debbie wants to do, as well as physical stuff such as pushing and calling names. When my child asserts herself, Debbie runs home crying and her mom is outside in 2 seconds to "tell the other kids off". Nothing is ever Debbie's fault. A few times I've confronted Sandy about Debbie's behavior and was told "that's not the story Debbie told me, I don't believe you". A few moths ago, Debbie screamed in my child's face on the bus saying "move over!" apparently because my child took to long to scoot over in the seat. I had had enough and bypassed Sandy by calling the school directly to report Debbie's rude behavior and ask for a seat change for my child, which was granted. The principle and guidance counselors got involved which resulted in a weak apology from Debbie, but that's it. Immediately, I received a call from Sandy telling me how I betrayed her, hurt her deeply and have caused her to loose sleep at night. IN other words, she was the victim in all this. I explained exactly why I did what I did, to no avail. Now she and her husband are ice cold towards us. What do you think?? Should I have contacted the school?? or gone through Sandy again?

You did the right thing and believe me, if it had been me, Sandy would have heard about things long before she did with you. I have little tolerance for children like that and the parents who let them be like that. Stand your ground and maybe Sandy's little girl will benefit from you putting your foot down.

Sounds like you did the right thing. Of course these parents are going to be ice cold toward you. Nothing there child does is ever wrong. I was just going to say that you should just write these people off as lost causes.

However, the sad thing is that your child has to deal with their child. You can ignore those adults, but your child has to deal with being near this other child. That means there is no easy solution. But if this kid is as nasty as you describe, and I'm inclined to believe she is, then your daughter probably needs to just avoid her as much as she can. This kid is not going to be well liked by other kids. She and your daughter will someday travel in different circles. Until then, you might try to support your child in building a circle of friends that might not include this mean girl.

You did the right thing. You tried to solicit help from the mother to no avail.

I feel sorry for Debbie because it seems she has no boundaries and at some point in her life she is going to be in for a rude awakening to others who will not put up with her aggressive behavior.

!!!! spot on

Good job on the part of the school. Let us give them credit. Since it was the first complaint and they might be unaware of the history, that they promptly changed the seat assignment and elicited an apology, albeit weak, from the brat child is good.

If you have the parents' email address, I would write a few things to them, but if you do not, it is probably best to forget that they exist. The mom is extremely infantile (calling this a BETRAYAL, rolled eyes) and that is probably what fuels the daughter's bad behavior.

You clearly did the right thing!

Thanks for all your replies! Other parents have complained to Sandy about Debbie's bad behavior, I can think of 4 different ones off the top of my head. Of course, Sandy's response to them was "I think there has been a misunderstanding", so Sandy doesn't believe their accounts of Debbie's behavior either. That's what I had heard. And I'm probably not the first parent to call the school about Debbie, which is why Sandy acted so victimized. Because I brought public attention to it. Sandy actually had the audacity to tell me that I "don't care about Debbie's feelings" and "Debbie knows you called the school on her". Well, I don't care about a rude brats feelings, that is true. Interestingly, my child has come to me on 2 or 3 different occasions and said someone at school stated they did not like Debbie because she was mean, and these kids did not know what happened between my child and Debbie.

I think you should do... nothing.

In case Debbie's behaviour persists, turn to school counselors, there might be problem at home. Do so as many times as needed, this could help the kid.

Support emotionally your child in the first place.

i wouldn't be surprised if Debbie has Aspergers and Sandy is in denial.

the safety of your child trumps being good neighbours every time.

I doubt it. Everything is possible, but my approach is to look for the simplest explanation of what is going on first and if none is available, proceed to more convoluted explanations. This seems to be that canonical case of a spoiled brat, and not a dx. Plus, Sandy kept saying that she does not believe anybody's account because Debbie told her a different story. I simply cannot imagine an Aspie child who keeps weaving story after story after story in which she is always the victim and others are always the bad guys.

All you can do is take care of your child and you did just that.

If she lost sleep, unfortunately that's for her to deal with. We're not responsible for others feelings and happiness.

I think you were appropriate inasmuch as it wasn't the first time there's been an issue and now it's bleeding over into the school atmosphere...which has to be addressed I think.

Good luck and remember...you aren't responsible for her sleeping patterns. You're taking care of your responsibilities.

KD

Yep agree with everyone else. Those sort of people are very hard to deal with and prob best not to bother trying.

That is so sad. I don't know what else you could have done - you are looking out for your own child.

You did the right thing, and the family now giving you the cold-shoulder is no great loss. If the little girl's mother says anything else to you, you could try telling her how her enabling her daughter's bullying behavior isn't good for her daughter, but I doubt she will listen. You'll want to keep an eye out for the little girl retaliating at a later date against your daughter.

I think these are very wise words. Exercising caution is necessary since Debbie has been allowed, if not outright encouraged, to grow a humongous sense of entitlement within herself, so retaliation would be the most natural response for her.

I am even thinking that some preemptive measures MIGHT be worth considering.

There was that girl in the movie "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" whose mother constantly fed a sense of entitlement in her; do not remember her name, but hopefully everyone knows whom I am talking about. Debbie could play that role just like that.

In my experience as a teacher, it seems rather clear that Debbie is a bully who takes delight in bullying other children who are not as dominant. You were definitely right in contacting the school regarding the incident on the bus. They can only act if they know about the problem. While the action they take the first time may not be as strong as one might want, chances are Debbie will do this again, probably in the near future.Once they are alert to the problem they are in a better position to intervene

I think you did the right thing too just don't feel bad or beat yourself up!

I think you did the right thing and Sandy needs to take responsibility for her daughter. If Debbie is an out of control rude little brat this is Sandy’s fault for being a lousy Mum and not teaching her to have manners and respect for other people. You have done nothing wrong here and I personally think you should go over Sandy’s house one day and have a nice chat with her about her daughter’s behaviour and tell her it is unacceptable and you have had enough of it.

Speaking as a person with Asperger’s Syndrome, ADHD and OCD I will be the first to admit I did some things when I was young that I am not particularly proud of but when the current figures show that 1 in every 3 children with Autism in Australia suffers from bullying and a further 1 in 6 go on to commit suicide before reaching the age of 20 it is more than safe to assume (even backed up by specialists in the field) most kids that exhibit bullying behaviour aren’t autistic. Debbie is exhibiting aggressive and rude behaviour because she has hopeless parents that from what the poster described are incapable of raising a child and want to dump her on other people. They probably the type that just wanted to have a child for novelty of being able to say they had one and then when they get tired of them they throw them in front of a TV instead of doing the hard rounds.

It is sad and the real victim of this story is Debbie.