[jayharping28]

Hi all,

I want some advice. For the last 6 months, I've been at rock bottom in terms of depression. I desperately miss an old friend, who I used to relate to strongly. I feel like this is the primary cause of my depression which is causing me to lose focus of everything.

So, backstory. We fell out. Had a massive argument. He blocked me on everything and hasn't gotten in touch since. Taking a step back.. We started a small software development company together. Made a few apps, had a lot of fun. We went to parties, events, and ended up being best friends. We wanted to make it big, and often talked about our future like that was definite. Whilst I didn't realise at the time, in reflection I had a crush on him. Which makes the below so much harder to deal with. Emotions suck.

When you start out, everyone says not to go into business with your friends - it'll end badly. It did and I quit. We were still on okay terms for a few months, and then (whilst I was under a great deal of external pressure, as well as being depressed again with my own life) something petty happened, and I remember he tried to make my previous input into the company seem smaller than it was. This hurt so much. I was angry, frustrated, and really sad. I spoke to some people and they all told me to express my feelings in writing, so I wrote a blog post that made him out to be a d**k. (Which he wasn't BTW, and I deleted the post several days later)

24 hours later, I had seemingly permanently ended my friendship with one of the only people who I have ever properly connected with.

Now 6 months later, I still am in the rut over that day. Wishing I had never made such a fuss, or wishing I hadn't written that post. I just want to speak to him again. I've tried emailing, and he's ignored my attempts.

It's hard to explain, but losing someone like this feels wrong, and I really want to put it right. What should I do? I've tried to just move on, but I don't seem to be able to. I just want to make things right.

[Creamsickle]

I suggest calling him and asking for a meeting to discuss things. Tell him you are very upset over they way things ended and want hash it out. Since he was wrong to try to overshadow your input into the company and you were wrong to write the email you did, perhaps you are even? Both of you should talk this out and try to either end on a better note or maybe even reconnect in some way. Good luck.

[hvert]

Could you send him a letter, outlining more or less what you wrote here? I would be prepared for him not to respond or to respond negatively, but it doesn't hurt to try.

[hannabee]

I once had a best friend for a few years. Over that time frame, several small situations where I felt she was taking advantage of me arose, and I just ignored them...never said anything to her, but after maybe 5 or six smaller incidents, we had what I thought was a BIG incident and I dropped her. Told her once on the phone, don't call me again, I don't want to be your friend.

And the point of telling you this, you're wondering? She never tried to make up with me or make it up to me and had she, I think we might still be friends. She would have had to try more than once, though...I was pretty angry! Were I you, I'd write the letter and try to explain things. Good luck.

[jayharping28]

Thanks for the responses. Much appreciated.

In terms of writing a physical letter, I don't have his current address. I know where the office is, so I could send it there, or is email best instead? Or would a call be better?

Thanks.

[hannabee]

I'm of the older generation, so to me a personal letter would say you really wanted to reach me to explain things. You could make it a card with a short apology and also an invitation to dinner or something? Make it specific...like next Friday, the xx of Dec. at 7:30 at joe blows restaurant....That would make me at least want to respond. Put your phone number and ask for a response. Good luck...let us know what happens.

[jayharping28]

Originally Posted by hannabee

I'm of the older generation, so to me a personal letter would say you really wanted to reach me to explain things. You could make it a card with a short apology and also an invitation to dinner or something? Make it specific...like next Friday, the xx of Dec. at 7:30 at joe blows restaurant....That would make me at least want to respond. Put your phone number and ask for a response. Good luck...let us know what happens.

Thx for the response, I agree that a letter/card would be more personal and appropriate for this, but don't have his current address anymore. Only the old office address, not sure if it would be appropriate to send there.

[Bill3]

If you write to the office, mark the envelope "Personal and Confidential" and in the letter apologize for writing to the office and say that it is the only address you have.

I agree with hannabee. Make it a note or a letter. It's possible that if you simply email it will automatically go to trash...

There is only so much you can do to repair this relationship but I think, that by making this effort, you can at least tell yourself that you tried.

Good luck!
I hope it goes well.

[Sojourn]

Hi jay,

It's terrible to see such a good friendship end up like this. Unfortunately, blogging about your frustrations seems to have caused a lot of damage. No doubt he viewed that as a betrayal of your friendship and that will be difficult to mend. However, that doesn't mean it is impossible. Obviously you have shared some exciting experiences together and perhaps the bond you once had can overcome the hurt you have both endured.

I think the suggestion hannabee made about apologizing and then extending an invite to talk somewhere is a good one. At this point, I think a convincing apology can go a long way towards fixing things. It's true he shares responsibility for how things have turned out but things were escalated by the blog posting which made the dispute public. If the friendship is important enough to you, you may have to offer an unconditional apology and assure him that you want to repair the friendship because you value it. Close friendships are often hard to come by so it may very well be worth it to put forth the effort here. Good luck!

[hamster-bamster]

I would just add - though this is probably obvious, but still - WRITE. In handwriting. If your handwriting is bad, you can print the letter, but sign it in handwriting, maybe write his name on top and a line or two in handwriting. Plus, handwriting on the postcard. I would do this (just compiling the suggestions you have received so far into one):

- Mail a standard large envelope to his office with "personal and confidential" printed on it. Hopefully he will open it automatically as he opens all his office mail, both outside and interoffice.

- Inside the large envelope place a card. Either make one by hand or choose a really nice one with a message that is neither corny nor trite. You are in the UK so I do not know what is available; in the US, Papyrus greeting cards are really good - tasteful, whimsical, touching.

- Inside the card, write, by hand, that you are inviting him to (see hannabee's suggestion)

- Also place a small sealed envelope with your printed letter inside the big envelope. On the envelope itself, write "a few things I needed to say".

[jayharping28]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

- Inside the card, write, by hand, that you are inviting him to (see hannabee's suggestion)

- Also place a small sealed envelope with your printed letter inside the big envelope. On the envelope itself, write "a few things I needed to say".

Originally Posted by hannabee

You could make it a card with a short apology and also an invitation to dinner or something? Make it specific...like next Friday, the xx of Dec. at 7:30 at joe blows restaurant....That would make me at least want to respond."

Thanks for the help. I should have added, we both live a considerable distance away, so I wouldn't be able to meet him in person. Should I perhaps just ask him if he wants to call me?

Thanks,
Jay

[hamster-bamster]

Not exactly. You should invite him to feel free to call you any time and express how glad you'd be to hear his voice.

[MattBemis]

I'm in somewhat of a similar spot right now. A manic episode and the fact that I'm trying to stay clean has left me basically friendless, including my best friend.

It's hard, but when everything is right with yourself everything will fall in to place with the people in your life. All you can do is apologize and hope they come around. I believe everything happens for a reason and I my lose of friends as an opportunity to work on myself if that's any solace.

[hvert]

I would not send a letter to his office. I would opt for email over that. I may be hypersensitive, but I would be upset if a friend sent me a personal letter through the mail to my office. At most offices I've worked it, a letter that looked personal or from an unknown sender might prompt questions from coworkers.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by hvert

I would not send a letter to his office. I would opt for email over that. I may be hypersensitive, but I would be upset if a friend sent me a personal letter through the mail to my office. At most offices I've worked it, a letter that looked personal or from an unknown sender might prompt questions from coworkers.

That is why I suggested a large envelope - it would not look personal - and typed up addresses or stickers with typed up addresses - no handwriting. The words "personal and confidential" by themselves do not scream "personal!!!" so much because they are used a lot and even used in marketing so people are desensitized to them. What does scream "PERSONAL!!!" is handwriting. If the envelope itself looks completely nondescript and professional, but inside of the envelope is a card with handwriting, then hopefully this will not pique the curiosity of coworkers and yet avoid being filtered in the email. This person might have put a filter in his email and would not even see what OP wants to say.

AVERY sells address labels of different sizes on sheets that can be "fed" to the printer. I myself would not be able to use them, but I know that it is possible for people who have better skills. An alternative maybe going to FedEx and sending the letter in their envelope. What do you think of that option?